The Bumpy Road to Recovery #2

[Bagheera]

A bit of blogging in my own thread, for a change this morning. I was thinking about mine and my wife's physical appearance in middle age (I'm 48 and my wife is 43), and our respective responses to and appreciation for each other's body as we continue down the road of marriage and SSM recovery. There are a couple of things that I thought I'd share with the men, in particular, struggling to recover an SSM with a low-desire wife.

Your appreciation of your wife's body

As LuckyGirl, Alimari, and several of the other women here have demonstrated, women tend to be their own worst critics when it comes to their own bodies --> *especially* as they grow older and nature takes its toll. It is all too easy for a woman to look in the mirror and consider herself to be sexually unattractive, and as her sexual self-esteem goes down, so to will her desire to share her body with you. Therefore, it is your job, as her husband, to help her to see the sexual, attractive woman that she is, in YOUR eyes. If she's gained weight and is out of shape, believe me when I say that she knows it and doesn't need you to tell her about it --> instead you need to make sure that you are a source of positive feedback and encouragement, and NEVER, ever go negative on her about it. You can change YOUR OWN diet to something more healthy and share it with her; you can exercise more YOURSELF and invite her to come along on a walk or to the gym; you can send her off for an afternoon of pampering at the spa / salon; you can arrange for her girlfriend(s) to take her off for an afternoon of clothes shopping at the mall with your blessings: however, all of this must remain POSTIVE and OPTIONAL.

Regardless of her current body state, your wife needs to trust, know, and FEEL that she is the most sexy and attractive woman on Earth IN YOUR EYES. Compliment her genuinely (never falsely) and often. Let her know what you find sexy and attractive, and when those moments occur during the day that either touch your heart or cause a rush of blood to your groin, tell her about them. Taking this ia notch further, DQ has frequently mentioned the joy she experiences when her man occasionally pins her to the wall, kisses and fondles her, then disengages: a brief display of masculine sexuality and power, along with an affirmation of her own sexual attractiveness to him. Most women can get a 'rush' out of their ability to sexually arouse and excite a man -- so don't be afraid to show your wife that she can do this to you -- let her enjoy it.

Just remember that in order for a woman to appreciate being a sex-object, she generally must FIRST feel loved and cherished outside of her sex-appeal. As such, NON-SEXUAL touch and comments should always outnumber the sexual ones. Choose your moments wisely.

Your wife's appreciation of your body

Women are FAR more subtle and secretive in their appreciation for men's bodies and sex organs than men are of women's. This is part hard-wiring and part cultural. Thanks to testosterone, men generally respond easily to visual or other sexual stimuli: the desire is almost always there, so it's easy to bring about the arousal. Women, on the other hand, need to have their interest and desire stimulated, and arousal is generally much further down the road. Culturally too, women have it drilled into them that Nice Girl's Don't fondle, appreciate, or even notice men's 'packages' or other sexually appealing attributes. This has changed somewhat over the past couple of decades, and women are now a little more free to openly appreciate men's sex appeal, but in general, most women still keep such things to themselves.

Nonetheless, be assured that your wife DOES watch your body --> and your package. Similar to, although *much* less obvious or conscious, to the way that men tend to notice and catalogue the breasts of all the women in a room, women tend to notice and catalogue the packages of the men in a room. They could probably point out who is wearing tight briefs or loose boxers, and even identify what the man's preferred penis 'resting position' is (to the left, right, or straight down). Again, this is all very subtle, secretive, and more 'background' observation than all the other things that are foremost in her mind. However, most women would never admit to 'penis watching,' so don't bother asking her. Thus, if your goal is to tickle your wife's desire for you whenever possible, take advantage of this feminine feature and give her opportunities to appreciate and admire you. No, DON'T lounge around the house in your underwear (this is considered slobbish and unappealing to most women): be -casual- and -subtle- about it. Don't be afraid to undress and dress in front of her. Actually shop for and wear flattering and attractive underwear (a novel idea to many men). Give her opportunities to observe and admire your scantily clothed or unclothed body, *without* drawing attention to the fact that she is doing so OR that you are flaunting.

This brings to mind the subject of flaccid / erect penis states. Most men are ULTRA-sensitive regarding penis size and therefore don't like to be seen naked or touched by a woman in anything but an erect or at least semi-erect state. Because of this, most women never even get to see a cold, fully flaccid penis until they've been in a long-term sexual relationship and even then, rarely. GET OVER IT GUYS! Part of the appeal, and women's fascination with, men's sex organs is the tremendous range of sizes and states that you experience. Scrotums expand and contract with temperature, testicles swell and shrink with sexual excitement, and penises can change in length and girth by 3-5 times between a fully flaccid and fully erect state (the textbooks say 2-3 times, but they've never measured a guy after he's just shoveled snow for an hour in 5 degree weather -- my equipment runs and hides). Stop being ashamed and let your woman learn to appreciate you in whatever state you happen to be in.

Another male feature you can both take advantage of is the fact that men frequently experience erections during REM (dream) sleep. This is the body's way of keep all of the systems and mechanics involved in good working order, and most men experience multiple erections each night, particularly in the lighter-sleep, morning hours. Couple this with the fact that most women find the feel of an erect penis against their body particularly sensual and appealing, and you have another opportunity to 'tickle' your wife's desire for you, even in just a warm, snuggling way -- you know the erection isn't the result of sexual arousal, and so does she, but it feels good to both of you and isn't going to lead anywhere (you might have to educate her regarding 'nocturnal erections' to put her mind ease). Now that my own SSM is well along the road to recovery and my wife and I often snuggle or stay in some form of physical contact throughout the night, I frequently sleep 'commando' for better skin-to-skin contact.

A note on appearance and grooming: always keep your genitals clean and well groomed for the best sex appeal. Smegma (I've always hated that name), residues of urine leakage, Cowper's fluid (pre-ejaculate), or semen (which is particularly 'fishy' smelling) should NEVER be an issue -- if it is, go take a shower. Don't use artificial powders or fragrances, however. In the same way that her natural scent 'down there' can drive you wild, your own masculine musk will have a similar affect on her -- as long as it isn't overpowering or stale. For the best appearance, you might also trim your pubic hair to a shorter length closer to the body, which, in turn, will help you look 'bigger' and not buried in fur. In addition, you might also consider shaving some areas, depending upon your preferences and practices as a couple: I personally keep perennium, scrotum, and penis-base shaved -- it looks and feels better, increases skin sensitivity, and is more enjoyable for both of us during oral stimulation. If the thought of shaving your scrotum scares you, Google it. It's not all that difficult or time consuming once you get used to it.

Alright -- hopefully, I've given you guys some ideas, and clued you in to the fact that women look, and appreciate too. So act accordingly, but just as subtly and covertly as they are about it.

Take care,

-- B.