Just keep swimming...PH #6

[pearlharbr]

Of course I bought the jeans....and a skirt, top and sweater. I know, I need to stop! But they all looked fantastic on me.

Well, I wasn't sure I wanted to post what happened last night but decided I need to be honest with people here who may be following my sitch. Everyone backslides, falls down, makes mistakes, and here's mine:

I couldn't control myself and ended up going to the bowling alley last night. My new jeans fit like a glove and I was having a great hair day (ladies, you understand this, right?) so I decided to make an appearance. As expected, when I walked in the OW was standing less than a foot away from xBF. I stood behind her and waited for him to notice me. When he did he smiled and said hi. I calmly told him that this certainly didn't look like "not hanging out in any capacity." He responded, But we're bowling. I said I didn't care and walked out. He didn't call out to me, come after me, call me, nothing.

Needless to say I was disappointed in his behavior yet again. After I got home and had a glass of wine, I rehashed everything with a couple friends. The guy said he understood why xBF wouldn't consider that lying, the girls totally agreed with me that bowling, drinking beer, and chatting are so NOT "not hanging out in any capacity." Sheesh! Men just do not get it.

So I decided that I would call xBF to get it over with once and for all. I left a vm and he called back about a half hour later. I laid it all out for him:

• Walking in and seeing him with OW proved to me that I cannot believe anything he says.
• ZERO contact with her is a prerequisite for any further conversations between us, this means he needs to choose bowling or me.
• He has done absolutely nothing to back up his words.
• His writing an email and letter equal about 5% effort, yet he is expecting me to meet him halfway. Not going to happen.
• I need to feel like I am worth fighting for and he is failing miserably at this.
• He seems to be waiting for a guarantee from me that we will work on things before he takes any action. It doesn't work that way.
• He hasn't shown any emotion or interest in his correspondence since the letter. It's not really inspiring me to want to talk to him.
• I am the type of person who wants and appreciates gestures large and small. He should know this about me after 8.5 years. If he doesn't, that says a lot about our R.
• HE is the one who cheated, HE is the one who left, HE is the one who said we have nothing in common and it will never work. I thought about it, agreed with him and moved on with my life. Now HE is the one who changed his mind. Therefore HE needs to convince me and win me back. And chances of that happening are slim to none.

His thoughts:

• He wasn't lying about not hanging out with OW because bowling doesn't count. (In what twisted world???)
• He hasn't done anything because he was trying to respect my boundaries.
• He didn't think I wanted him in my life anymore (I don't think I do)
• He isn't expecting a guarantee, just wants to talk. (Like I did a few months ago and he refused.)
• He does know I want gestures like flowers. But I have other people sending me flowers now so I don't want them from him. (Hah, so he did notice the flowers! And he does think I'm seeing other people.)
• He knows he's the one who made the mistake and was in the wrong.

At this point I was emotional and frustrated so I said I needed to end the call. Will we continue this convo? I haven't decided yet. He is available whenever. Ok, next Wed night. Oh, he'll be out of town on Wed. Grr. More frustration. Then he got a little snotty, do I expect him to cancel his business trip? No, how about just being up front about his schedule and availability? Oh. Ok. He'll be out of town Mon-Thurs. I paused. Well, then it will have to wait until the following week. (There is no way I am giving him any time on the weekend!) Then I said good night and hung up.

So there you have it fellow DBers. Not following the good advice given here but sometimes it happens. I am now going to set it aside for at least the next week, maybe longer. I need some time to cool down and he needs to figure out if he's willing and ready to do what is necessary.