W was in a real mood yesterday not long after coming home. Started asking about her day. She was talkative while making dinner. A few minutes into it, asks me about mine. I started telling her but noticed she was fading from the conversation. She started getting testy. I think she's stressing over her time and having to do school work. I suspect she got distracted by the school work.
During the day yesterday I txt'd her (was testing the waters) and told her I was thinking of her and hoped she was having an awesome day. I was trying not to be so far gone that it seemed I wasn't interested. She replied with "thx, r u?" I figured I'd joke about and said yes, I am thinking of you and having an awesome day. No response. Hmm....
We still seem to be in that hot and cold cycle. I found myself getting pissed off about it, then depressed, then back to angry. I woke up at 0300 this morning and the thought in my head is that I will NOT tolerate that emotional monster again. I'll get rid of that monster before that happens.
I'm getting better perspective now. I think, looking back, that the letter and st paddy present was about as much as she can do for right now. Emotionally.
Ok.
I'll take it one day at a time. I won't see much of her for the remainder of the weekend/week. Tomorrow is MC session, but after that we go in different directions while she studies and I take care of the kids. Saturday is a party for daughter and a friend of ours down the street. I may have to see her then too
I went back and started reading some old posts. We've made progress. That's certain. We're no longer hearing the "You stole 11 years of my life". Or "You were perfect except for this one little - big thing!!" I grabbed this from one of the threads:
Quote:
I am backing off. Going silent. The MC suggested we need to slow things down. That's the last thing I'd like to do, but I can see the wisdom. So I'm going mostly dark. Having some trouble slipping back into that, but will work harder today.
I was told the war I see are within her and not against me. I was told that neither of us are malicious towards the other. That we have a strong marriage and relationship to draw from. Those are the positives. The negatives are that this is complex. Her mind is complex. She is warring with herself and I have to be much more patient. I don't want to be patient. <there, I said it>. I will be patient though. For her. For us.
Hmm... I have to gain more perspective, but I feel myself continuing to get colder myself. I recognize that it's a crisis that she's going through. I feel for her. But I don't know that I can continue to function like this.
I'm struggling for that perspective this morning. I'm working on it. I'm going to drop off this board for a little while so I can hopefully find that perspective a little quicker.
I'll catch you guys later. Maybe tomorrow or the weekend so I can update you on the MC session.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
