I've moved here from MLC

[stillloveshim]

Hi!
Monday I told him I needed a break and to pick out S and bring him back to me at 8:15. He did. We chit-chatted while S was taking his bath--one of my favorite times with S. H gave me a weird hug/squeeze. I was sitting and he was standing so my face was in his stomach/chest. I patted him but not with much affection. He then left and said something I can't quite remember and I looked at him and said "It is going to be ok, I'm already ok H." He smiled and said good, in a sincere manner.
Yesterday, I picked S up and took him to a kid place in town. As I was on my way H called, first contact of the day. I didn't answer. I called back about 10 mins later. And said Hi. He said "What's up?" I reminded him that he called me and he said "Yup, what's up? What's the plan?" The plan had not changed but I told him I was on my way and he'd said he be there shortly. He got there about 20 mins after us (he was coming from across town). We chit-chatted again and I left after about 4 or 5 mins. He seemed surprised, because Tuesdays are supposed to be family night. But I really needed the break. I had on a new dress and he commented about it looking nice.
I went and got gas, played tennis with a girlfriend, ate dinner with her and got home a few minutes after H and S. I went and took a shower. While in the shower, H came up to talk to me. He asked me more about what is going on with my job. (I have a job offer on the table right now BUT not in writing. My potentially new boss promised me I could give notice and start the process so I can start sooner. I told him "No way. I need it in writing." He understood and I will have it this Thursday. In the meantime, my current boss has asked me "Do you REALLY want to leave....No.....then stay......can't laugh at the raise they are offering me.....Alright, then I'll counter offer......" I'm still waiting on the counter offer.) I feel like H is a little too interested in my potential raise. I've told him, I'm going to pay off my debts first and MAYBE will pay more into the joint debt, but I'm not really feeling any obligation to do that. So that is a concern of mine...what if he's being nice because he wants to part take in my raise? I truly hope not.
But, we talked a bit about that and not much else. He said "Alright, I'm tired so I'm going to get out of here." And as he started to say that, I started to walk into my room, and he walked out the other door. I said "Good night. You pick up S tomorrow." He said "I got him, no problem." And we said bye.
No physcial contact this time.
No contact today either.
I am the bill/money organizer. I'm in charge of the finaces now. Since I've taken over, things have gotten better. But I tell him, via email, what bills to pay and for what amount. Since Friday of last week, I've been educating myself on how to pay the bills on-line, which ones are mailed, etc. So I won't have to contact him to get that done anymore.
But like LonelyRzr, today I feel blah. I feel like I've done pretty well, but I still feel blah.

[LR1]

Still,

Hang in there. AJ is right on. I am taking everything in that he is saying as well. My day still sucks, but I am glad I found you on here. We will stick together and hopefully both prevail. We are all in this together, we all have a bond in that we are all dealing with similar (some frighteningly similar) sitches. We can all lean on each other and learn from each other and I am very grateful that I found this place. Keep the PMA and AJ, keep the advice coming.

[AJM]

ST, how are you today?

AJ

[stillloveshim]

Hey LR,
Your day wasn't horrible. And neither was mine. I think we just have to admit that just because our days aren't as we would want them to be (our spouses at home with us and our kids, being loving and affectionate, not thinking about the Big D), it doesn't mean our days were bad.
Yesterday was the second day in a row of me going Dark. Well as dark as I can go since H has to drop our S off back to me. Today, and the rest of the weekend until Sunday night, there's a good chance I won't see or talk to H. I have S until Monday night. Sunday nights we always eat dinner together at the friends house where I am staying. (That's a long standing tradition, from way before H left.)
Tonight, I am having dinner with our friends where I'm staying, then I have a tennis match.
Tomorrow, I'm having Mommy Night with my great girlfriends.
Saturday, I'm going to take S to a few museums since I think he's old enough to appreciate these things now. Pizza for dinner.
And on Sunday.....not sure what we'll do, but I'm just trying to stay busy busy busy.
When I have seen H for the few minutes we exchange S, he's been nice and fine. I've been cordial too. He makes a little bit of physical contact, like a squeeze on the arm/elbow.
I'm just not sure what I should be looking for? Anyone have any ideas what are the sign, good or bad that I should be looking for?
Oh, and a guy in my yoga class asked me for my number!!! I was so shocked and frankly impressed that my old mommy butt could still get someone to ask for my number. I told him I was married and he apologized, mentioned that he had looked for a ring during the last three weeks and didn't see one. I told him I don't wear it to work out. He apologized again and I said "don't apologize, you just made my day!"

[stillloveshim]

Hi AJ!!

I think I'm somewhere between ok to pretty good, all things considered.

Yesterday was day two going as Dark as I can since we have a son together. Tuesday and Wednesday, no contact from me to him at all. He called me once to double check the plan. I didn't answer and called him back a few minutes later.

Otherise, we only talked when he dropped S off. And both times I was upstairs, on purpose and he came up to talk to me. We only talked about my new job opportunities, the house (we were burglarized and I am the one dealing with the insurance company because H doesn't like to do that kind of thing--hope he realizes and appreciates this fact) and our S.
On Tuesday, he gave me a squeeze good night.
Yesterday, he gave me an arm squeeze and I walked away to finish getting ready for bed because I just really wanted to grab him.

Today, and the rest of the weekend until Sunday night, there's a good chance I won't see or talk to H. And that is going to be the real test for me and very tough. I have S until Monday night. Sunday nights we always eat dinner together at the friends house where I am staying. (That's a long standing tradition, from way before H left.)

This going dark thing has been tough and honestly, I've been able to do it knowing I would see him later for at least a few minutes.

So to prepare myself for the rest of the week and weekend, I am having dinner with our friends tonight, then I have a tennis match. (I'm gonna crush them!!)
Tomorrow, I'm having Mommy Night with my amazing girlfriends.
Saturday, I'm going to take S to a few museums since I think he's old enough to appreciate these things now. Pizza for dinner.
And on Sunday.....not sure what we'll do, but I'm just trying to stay busy busy busy.

So, I'm glad you "stopped by", AJ. I'm just not sure what I should be looking for when H and I do interact now. Any ideas-- what are the sign, good or bad that I need to keep my eyes open for?

But yesterday, I ended my day on a high note: a guy in my yoga class asked me for my number!!! The boys still want my old lady mommy digits! I told him I was married, and he apologized again and I said "don't apologize, you just made my day!"

Of course, I didn't tell H this, it's for me to giggle about when he makes me nutz.

So, I think I'm ok. Bracing for the impact of a tough few days here and gearing up for not seeing/texting/talking/emailing him. I keep telling myself, it's killing him too. Right?

[AJM]

So, I'm glad you "stopped by", AJ. I'm just not sure what I should be looking for when H and I do interact now. Any ideas-- what are the sign, good or bad that I need to keep my eyes open for?

Good question. What you're trying to do is this: detach. Get off the crazy train. Get a life. You're not trying to control him. You're trying to control you. Slowing things down (you can't go completely dark because of son, right?) allows you both time to figure some things out and work on your individual selves.

Is it driving him crazy? You bet it is. He's having to figure out what changed. Why it changed. I'm guessing he got a scare.

Be careful of the flirting and getting numbers. You're not trying to date or make him insanely jealous or worse, give him the idea its ok to flirt. Getting even is not the way to go either.

But good on you for somebody at least making you feel good, right?


Remember this is a long term journey. Not a sprint. There will be some more tough times. Don't get discouraged although that will be easy to do. Live in the moment as much as you can when it comes to H.


AJ

[2gthrButApart]

You're coming along great. I just think sometimes you and I do things with our H's in the back of our minds, and we shouldn't. We need to do things REALLY for US not with any intentions of what it can do for you and your H as a couple. Once we can master that that's when true detaching will begin, and maybe that's when they'll Really take notice. But we have too much focus on them, we're both doing it. GAL'ing but not with a 100% ME mindset just yet. Let's work on that!!

[stillloveshim]

Ahhhh, I know. I dream of getting off the crazy train. And really it has been a bit better. I think it's easier on my soul and heart and blood pressure to wonder if he'll contact me for whatever as opposed to what we might fight about.
I hope you are right. I hope he is trying to figure it all out and it's driving him crazy. I hope he did get a scare.

Oh and believe me, I'm not flirting. I'm not sure I know how with anyone other than H. I was actually surprised he asked and even more surprised because I don't think ANYONE looks all that great after yoga, and they definitely don't look sexy while doing it! It was just an ego boost and it never occured to me to say anything but thank you, I'm married.

And something else from my very long list of concerns: I think my H has talked to too many people about our relationship and wanting the big D. If so, I think that could be an issue and could stop him from returning to work on things....a losing face kind of thing if he does return. How do I deal with that? Or can I? Is there anything I can do?

My DB coach said one of the things I should be doing right now is making sure he knows the bridge home is not destroyed and to be doing as much as I could to let him come home and save face.
But that was before the two large back slides and much of his "We're not getting back together....if it weren't for the economy, this would be done.....I'm not married--haven't been in months."

I am feeling good about GALing. I just got back from lunch with my girls. Doing dinner with them tomorrow with all the kids....dinner and tennis tonight too. Saturday is going to be the big day with me and S doing fun Mommy & Little Guy stuff.

I won't lie though. I sort of hope through out the day to hear from H. But I think now, we might think I'm playing "Who's Tougher and Can Hold Out Longer Before Contacting the Other" but I'm not.

[stillloveshim]

2BA--you are ABSOLUTELY RIGHT!!! We are doing that way too much. It's also a hard habit to break.
But to be honest, I was doing that while the marriage was not in danger and that's probably one of the reasons why H and I are where we are, I wasn't doing enough for me and playing the Martyr part.
How are things with you and your sitch?
I was worried about you.

[AJM]

My DB coach said one of the things I should be doing right now is making sure he knows the bridge home is not destroyed and to be doing as much as I could to let him come home and save face.
But that was before the two large back slides and much of his "We're not getting back together....if it weren't for the economy, this would be done.....I'm not married--haven't been in months."

What you're feeling seems normal to me. Go with what the DB coach suggested. I don't think you should or realistically can worry about what H has said to others. I don't think there is anything you can do about yesterday either. Let it go and focus on today.

Keep working toward the detachment. You're off to a great start and you'll do well. It won't happen overnight, but little by little you will get there.

AJ