We weren't married, but were probably headed down that road one day. I had bought an engagement ring and was planning on asking the big question this month (March 09). I realize a lot of the stories here are all about couples who have been together for years and years, and some with children involved (so please forgive me if this seems out of place). In my case, we were only together for one year (since October '07). We both have had a lifetime of failed relationships with all the wrong people. In our case, we were absolutely "spot on". Our relationship was absolutely wonderful, extremely loving and we were completely in sync in everyway. We had the perfect relationship, the best in either of our lifetimes. It was truly fantastic. Almost from the moment I meet her, I had this overwhelming feeling of such love and respect. I felt as if she was the one person I've waited a lifetime to meet... which I still believe to this day.
I never had any form of financial difficulty in my life. I've always worked very hard and made a good living for myself. Unfortunately, my own company hit a huge financial snag and I found it very hard to communicate this with her. Like millions of small firms, my company was a victim of the global recession. For a couple of months, she had to actually cover all the bills including rent (as the company gobbled up my life savings in a very short period of time). It was only a temporary snag, but during that time I did become a little closed to visiting & talking to friends, spending money, or even going anywhere. I became a bit of a shut in (which I hated). I wasn't doing anything mentally or physically to better myself during this time. I know this situation made her feel like her financial security was threatened, but this was only a temporary situation. Once my clients started paying my bills, I ensured that she was reimbursed 100% for the bills she had to cover.
In mid- November, after a small argument, things really hit the fan. Her personality changed from a fun loving person to a totally angry hate fuelled woman (where it stayed to this day). She speaks in absolute negatives constantly, and often repeating herself over and over again. I have been accused of some pretty ridicules things, which he repeats endlessly as well. Example: I apparently treat her like a child, when the only example she can give is when I tried to warn her of an on-coming car in a car park. I've been labelled a "sponger" for allowing her to pay all the bills when my company was going under and I really needed her help (which she has since been reimbursed as I am financially solid again). Some conversations, in the early stages were simply relentless verbal abuse. She completely exaggerates even the smallest of points (putting a negative spin on each). Shortly before Christmas, she moved out and in with a girlfriend. For the period this was happening, my head was all over the place and simply couldn't think straight. Yep, "Elvis left the building" and I checked out mentally as this rocked me right down to my core. The woman I knew is gone (emotionally) it seems, and it truly has broken my heart and really rattled me. Right now, this has filled me with an overwhelming feeling of loss and dread (like someone I loved and adored has died tragically) and I do feel set upon (as if the situation has been pre-judged in my absence on some pretty shaky evidence and concluded without any input what so ever). Attempts at any civil conversations now are just addressed with complete anger & resentment I have never known or seen before from anyone, ever. Its heartbreaking and very very hurtful (where anything I say or do just seems to be constantly thrown in my face like evidence in some bizarre court case from hell). The conversations now (March 09), that are not hate fuelled, are all about her, her dreams, her aspirations, her goals ... and she'll speak about nothing else nor will she ask how I'm doing or doesn't even seem to care. I just don't get it. Why the hell is she still so angry & irrational?
A friend of hers left the details of DB in a Christmas card for my attention in my house while I was away (as it helped her marriage). At first, I was livid of the interference ... but after some cool reflection, I've now read through the site, and the book and found it all very helpful ... and I have thanked the friend for trying to help somehow. Since that time in December, I have put forth some huge changes. I have a new job, social life again and life is pretty grand. I am back to the fun loving guy I once was.... Only she is still bitterly angry, and has no problem sending me venomous emails. I just don't get it.
On that note I throw it out there for anyone who would like to make a comment or give sound advise. I would love to have "wonderful fun loving woman" back in my life (as she was all I have ever dreamed off), the woman I so wanted a future with .... but for "abusive angry woman", no way... and I won't pay for an exorcist either.
Please help!
Best, Harpoon Dave
ME: 43 Her: 39 (about to turn 40 and possible MLC)
I would hate to say, but I'd let this one go. If it's this bad now, just imagine what could happen in the future. We all put on a good show and act in our best behavour in a fresh new realtionship. The slowly but surely, we begin to show our true colors.
Perhaps this type of behavour she exhibits now is the reason why she's hod so many flaud realtionships? Remember, you only hear her version of why they failed. And, perhaps she realized that going in to everything with you, but again, slowly but surely couldn't keep with straying away from that type of behavour.
All in all, life's too short and again, if it's this bad now, I would crindge to think what would happen later on. I constantly hear now from my STBX that I've done nothing but waste 11 years of her life which is about the most painful thing anyone can ever say.
Me 35/XW 33 S13 & S12 M: 10/17/98 OM & S: 07/08 D final 06/09/09 12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing" 06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10 06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
Cheers for that. I have to say that your view is echoed 30 times over by my friends and family. ... but saying that, it is still hard to take in. I am naturally an understanding and caring person, and want to do the best for people. If someone is that 'angry' I want to know why... and three months on, there is all still this irrational anger and coldness from her. The person I knew for a year was far far from that. She was just so kind and simply happy. Everyone seem to be screaming at me "Anger issues"... she's got them, and I should run for the hills, but it's in me to help her some how and don't want to give up on her...
But (over the last 3 months) I have been accused of some pretty crazy & truly ridicules stuff, all of it well & truly out there (I mean seriously crazy stuff). I have been unfairly slagged off over the internet (on her FB page) for the public to see (and they have, like my friends and family). I have been truly insulted in my own home, on several occasions, even on Christmas. I've been disrespected, misaligned and insulted in just about every way possible, publicly and privately. I've had my personality, integrity and even my professionalism called into question. All of it negative and all pretty nasty stuff ... just so out of character.
I guess, because I've never had to deal with anything like it before from anyone... I guess I am just at a loss for what to do. I do truly love the woman (or that is, the woman I thought I knew for a year) and find it hard to take in that walking away is the right & only thing to do. I guess that's why I am here at DB looking for answers.
You manned up and mentioned a series of previous bad relationship. Sounds like the wheels came off the wagon at the one year point. Everything you've described about the previous year sounds a lot like the "honey moon" period -- too much perfection, too much like the soul mate thing. It looks like she simply showed her true colors. The verbal abuse thing is way out of line; not caring about you is way out of line; focusing totally on herself is a HUGE RED FLAG. Dave, this woman has the gifts to make the rest of your life (or at least the next few years) totally miserable. Tell her to go pound salt and press on with your life.
BS (me) 57 WW (her) 51 M - 27+ years Sons - 34/21 daugh - 32/26 D-day - (A#1 Apr 98) (A#2 Oct 08) Status - minimal contact (me) living with OM (her) Divorce - Scheduled for Apr 09
WOW… it’s a year and a half on! I have just found old references to my original posting on my PC and thought I would check in for a re-read.
For those who tried to help with advice back then, I thought I would give an update. At the time I wrote my original request for some help & guidance, I had no idea what was ahead. The woman I knew and loved so much was gone and in her place was this anger fueled narcissistic evil woman. All she wanted to do was sling insults, make ridicules accusations and put the boot in where ever and when ever possible. I thought it would pass and maybe, just maybe, one day the woman I knew would come around and we would talk. Not in my wildest dreams did I ever think it could get worse. IT DID!
Originally, when she moved in, our deal was that I paid the rent and she paid the assorted utility bills. She stuck me with unpaid bills, made wild claims to our landlord that SHE paid the rent (when she didn’t) and things then got ugly over the deposit we both paid 50% of. She wrote nasty accusatory letters to both the landlord & the utility companies (where she had outstanding bills). It just turned into one big mess and I actually had to file a small claims court case against her (suggested by my then p-ed off landlord). For over a year all I received from here were angry narcissistic insulting email and cold demands for money (her half of the rental deposit). Her defence of small claims court case (which was received just a couple of months ago) was 12 pages of angry accusatory self important dribble, where she plays herself up as some sort of victim (?). All I ever did was love the woman and showed her kindness.. and I got that! When I read it I just felt so empty and beaten down. I had over a year of nasty angry stuff from her and not one moment of civility. I just didn’t care anymore. I dropped the case and just let it all go. I’ll never understand any of it (all that anger that is), but I just let it all go. Even though I loved the house we once shared together, I even moved out of there just to be rid. Even up to the end (months ago), the last few emails from her were cold, angry and mean spirited. I just don’t get any of it and I just tired myself out trying to figure out where it (the anger) all comes from and how anyone could stay so angry and just so mean over such a long period of time ... and over what? I still don’t know.
I think the only way, in the end, for me to remain sane is to visualise two separate people; the woman I met, loved & adored and lived with for a year and the angry narcissistic woman who she turned into (or had always been... I just don’t know). I don’t know which or who was the real person. I do (mentally, for my own sake) view the first as having ‘passed away’. Real or not, I didn’t think I was capable of ever loving anyone as much as I did her. She was everything wonderful and great … and there probably isn’t a day that goes by that I won’t think of her and miss her terribly. I will probably feel that way for years to come. But like I say, she has “passed” and is gone now. The positive thing that I take away is that I was discovered just how much I am capable of caring to another person (despite the fact that I am unsure she ever really existed, if that makes any sense).
It’s THAT possibility and ability I will bring to someone else.
