WAW

[Can it work]

Coach's success thread for newcomers is called 'Film Study - What Worked'. It's one of the stickys right at the top of the page. I suggest you look at it when you're feeling low. It helps.

Hope you don't mind me advertising for you Coach?

Kev

[markhaving probs]

Thanks Kev.

[DrHemlock]

Mark -- if W wants a spat, and you don't, she's going to try to force one. If you respond, you're playing HER game. So do a Rod Laver -- hit it back, past her. Totally change the subject: "Hey, did you see that Pompey are getting relegated?" or something of the sort (perish the thought!). She'll get that quizzical look and say something to the effect of, "What are you talking about? Did you hear what I said?" And you reply with a lob -- "Yes, I heard it. Hey, did I tell you that John from down the pub tripped and broke his ankle?" Eventually she'll tire from trying to chase down the argument ball, and by the time she catches up to it, the moment will have passed. And you'll be looking strong and confident and she'll be sitting there with that Benny Hill look on her face -- Wha' Happant?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Good stuff, Hemlock!!

[markhaving probs]

Hemlock,

Portsmouth to go down..I don't think so. Again, thank you for that sound advice. I need to diffuse any contentious scenarios, but it is difficult when she is spoiling for a fight. One of the problems in our marriage is the fact I have sort of 'switched off' when she has been telling me something. If I go in with the tactic of changing the subject she
wll say...."Why don't you listen to anything I say. This is one of the problems with us, you don't listen to me". I admit this is one of the problems in our marriage and what I do not want to do is confirm to her I don't listen as this will be construed as 'more of the same'

She stayed at her parents last night as it was her birthday. She called me a couple of times on my mobile and on the landline. I was at the gym so I made sure I did not answer the calls as soon as I picked them up (Is this detaching?).

I don't know if she was trying to find out where I was so she could go out, but interestingly she wanted to know if I was going out with a good friend of mine for a drink. I got home and saw there was also a message on the landline asking me to call her, she wanted to tell me about our daughters run at school during the day, though she had already put this information in one of her texts. I had a shower as I did not want to look as though I was pursuing, next thing is the phone rings again, I let it ring a few times then answered it. She wanted to know why I had not answered her text, which is actual fact I did but it was an hour after she sent it. I made the conversation short without trying to be rude, though I think I might have gone a bit over the top as it sounded as though I did not want to talk to her. Lo and behold she rang again ten minutes later to say this was going to London on Friday with some girlfriends and was staying overnight with one of them. I think she was looking for a reaction from me, but I bit my tongue and said ok I will see you on Saturday. I did not say did you have a good time on your birthday which was Thursday 19th, and I certainly did not tell her to have a good time tonight in London. She has texted me this morning to tell ask me if the heating came on, otherwise we need to call a plumber. She has also asked what time I am going out tomorrow night, and she will leave a not about tonight's dinner - I have not responded to this text yet, I will give it about 30 minutes before I respond.

Guys, I have to keep thinking logically here as she is clearly wanting a divorce, and I really do not know where she is staying tonight but there is nothing I can do about that, only show or say as I did last night complete apathy. can I read anything into this chain of events of just forget it. Am I dealing with this situation correctly? Any advice would be greatly received.

[markhaving probs]

Update,

She texted me this morning to ask why I did not thank her for preparing tonights dinner for me before she goes out, and giving the children their dinner as well. I sent a response 25 mins later saying 'Thanks for giving them dinner and mine as well'. No kisses that was it. She then rang which I did not answer, and the voicemail said "oh, is that it..one sylable answers, I don't know where you are, you have just answered my text'

Her first text this morning had a kiss and was done worded in a nice way with a kiss at the end. Because of my responses I have agitated her, is this the right method? Should I leave it for 30 minutes and then call her to smooth the waters as she sounded in a good mood in the first text?

[saffie]

I don't quite understand....she is saying she doesn't know where you are?

[markhaving probs]

Hi Saffie,

I think she meant 'where you are at the moment'. I was going to ring her in a minute to lighten the mood as I have agitated her with my apparant 'distance' last night and this morning. Should I ring, what tone should I use if I do?

[Can it work]

Mark

10 out of 10 mate. Go to the head of the class! That is exactly what detatching is. Notice the reaction? Automatically because you're not running around after her and not taking enough of an interest in her, she begins pursuing you. The exact same thing started happening with my W after my DB coach told me how to act around her. All of a sudden she was interested in whether I was going out, how my work was, etc. Apparently it's not magic but it certainly seems that way sometimes.

Keep going as you're going right now Mark. Don't answer all her calls or messages right away. You still have to answer some right away though because otherwise you just come over as rude. The analogy my DB coach used to describe it was to be like a firefly. When a firefly lights up in the dark it is only for a moment but your eyes are drawn towards that light. In the daytime though there is light everywhere so your eyes are drawn to nothing. What you need to do is only be lit up for moments at a time so she is naturally drawn towards those moments. The rest of the time act exactly as you have been.

(I hope I'm not going to get in trouble for writing out DB coach advice!!!)

You're doing great. Keep it up.

Kev

[Can it work]

If you haven't done so already, don't ring her to lighten the mood. That's back to pursuing.