I'll approach this like I approached military problems. 1) You have to defend your position; 2) you have to advance.
With respect to 1), that's what the solicitor is for. Doesn't matter if you want reconciliation, etc. -- no matter what the outcome, you have to protect yourself, and that act is largely independent of your goals for the marriage.
With respect to 2), you wrote that you want to keep your W on your "side of the fence." Let me suggest an alternative course of action -- YOU get on your side of the fence. Completely. Let her play YOUR game.
Because I'm an oldster, I often think of the former tennis champion Rod Laver. What Rod was great at was making his opponent play HIS side of the court. Rod would hit cross-courts, alleys, lobs, smashes, chops, drop-shots -- he'd run the opponent all over "her" side of the net, and all that opponent could do to keep the ball in play was hit it right back to where Rod wanted it on HIS side.
Don't worry about GETTING her on your side of the net; make her play TO your side of the net.
LOVE the Rod Laver story!!! I love sports analogies in general.
A favorite quote of mine is from hockey great Wayne Gretzsky. When asked once what made him so much greater than anyone else that had come before him, he thought for a moment and said:
"I don't know; I guess maybe it's because other people skate to where the puck IS, whereas I try to skate to where the puck IS GOING TO BE."
Think of the ball as your relationship now. You want to keep the ball in play, keep your W wanting to play and you controlling your play to the best of your ability. Get your groove back. You can't control your opponent but you can control yourself.
Cheers Coach
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Exactly, as coach says. You can't control what she says but you can control your reactions to it, that is how you step away from the power struggle and it is the first step in reducing negativity. She is expecting you to react in a certain way, when you don't it will be a 180, something different.
You're still getting some great advice here. Listen to it all but most importantly, act on it. I see coach has posted as well. Look to him for inspiration if you must. He is now very happy with his former WAW. Look up his threads. There is hope for all of us my friend.
Early on in my sitch I was told to appreciate the moments rather than think about everything all at once. For now, try and do something to make you smile at least once a day. Whatever it takes. Try and filter the future out of your mind right now. From where you're standing it doesn't look very good but it hasn't happened yet. It may not end up as bad as you think. Just concentrate on the moment. Read a funny book, watch a comedy show on tv, look up funny videos on Youtube. Make it a goal to smile or laugh once a day. You'll find that laughing will become easier after a very short time.
Kev
Me: 32, Wife: 22 Son: 2 Married: 2 years Separated: January 5th 2009
Sometimes you have to become lost before you can find yourself.
