I'll approach this like I approached military problems. 1) You have to defend your position; 2) you have to advance.
With respect to 1), that's what the solicitor is for. Doesn't matter if you want reconciliation, etc. -- no matter what the outcome, you have to protect yourself, and that act is largely independent of your goals for the marriage.
With respect to 2), you wrote that you want to keep your W on your "side of the fence." Let me suggest an alternative course of action -- YOU get on your side of the fence. Completely. Let her play YOUR game.
Because I'm an oldster, I often think of the former tennis champion Rod Laver. What Rod was great at was making his opponent play HIS side of the court. Rod would hit cross-courts, alleys, lobs, smashes, chops, drop-shots -- he'd run the opponent all over "her" side of the net, and all that opponent could do to keep the ball in play was hit it right back to where Rod wanted it on HIS side.
Don't worry about GETTING her on your side of the net; make her play TO your side of the net.
