Most Difficult Time of My Life

[Kokopelli]

It's been a couple of days since I've posted. Things got worse and now they are still crappy. We had a big blowout last night about liquidating some assets. She wants to sell off some or our investments to raise cash for things she wants to do. My attorney recommended I don't do it, I put my foot down and said no - but, I told her that it's not how I wanted things to be but she put me in this position. I finally got her to agree to staying in the home and that I would move. Lot's of huffin and puffin and she stormed out the door upset.

20 minutes later I get a call from her and I can tell she's crying. She said she's tired of crying, I agreed with her, I'm tired too.

We talked somethings out, then she started to push my buttons again. I ended the call briefly but politely with a sharp and quick good night. For some reason she text messaged me this morning from work saying “Have a nice day! I’ll call you when I get off work” I guess this is doing the “friend” thing.

I put a deposit on an apartment today. It was painful to do, because the realization that its over is getting stronger. I also consulted a mediator and paid for a session for my wife to go and speak with the mediator.

W wanted to stop by the house tonight after work to pick up gym clothes and use the pc. Wasn't here when she got here, was out walking the dogs. Things went well with conversation when I got back. She took some jabs at me that I could've responded to better. Instead of coming across angry, I came across indifferent, saying “whatever” when she talked about splitting credit cards apart and bank accounts.

She jabbed me with a statement of how America is built on people working for a living. I knew this was intended to light my fire, she got me going, but I put it out quick. I stated that America was actually built by entrepreneurs such as myself. I’m starting to see new theme here.

I didn't hover, I did my own thing around the house. She said a couple of times that she was leaving, but then would start talking about something else. She gave me a really, really nice hug...it felt SO good, her hair & skin smelled great. She told me she will always love me. I responded “me too.” She then said, “you will always love you too?” lightening up the convo. I told her she knew I will always love her. I then rushed the convo to end and opened the door ending with a goodnight. I am acting as if I’m moving on, and in many ways I am.

I’ve been realizing some things the last couple of days based on her comments. She continues to say I should get a job, and making mention of jobs. This is obviously a sticking point with her that she never expressed to me. She always told me she was my #1 supporter in my business. In the last 4-5 months I told her she wasn’t anymore, I could tell by her remarks in the past that she had lost faith in me. She also said she needs stability last nigh…meaning my business and income are not stable.

I have been thinking about getting a job again, however I know that I am really close to a major breakthrough in my business. I’ve now begun to question whether I would really want to be together again because she lost faith in me…reminds me of the Will Smith movie, “The Pursuit of Happyness.”

There is something very painful about having the person who’s supposed to be your biggest supporter, lose faith in you.

I’m not sure where all these comments have been coming from. I’ve heard things in the last week she never told me before. I quit my job 1.5 years ago to pursue my business fulltime. I actually did very well until about 5 months ago…since then it has been a complete dry spell and the arguing frequency has increased up to this point of D.

I popped a couple of Benadryl to help me sleep and I think my grammar is getting affected! I always have so much to talk about, maybe I should post more often.

She mentioned to me the last night that “I don’t know if you care or not, but for the record I haven’t done anything with anyone.” That reassured me, I do believe her. Maybe just to help ease my own mind if nothing else. I’m fine with that. I now am starting to realize I will never be good enough for her anymore. My dream is this business AND our marriage. She wants stability, and I obviously am the furthest from that.

I am still very emotional, but I am starting to get angry at how she views me. I DESERVE BETTER THAN THIS. I am a damn good man, with flaws, but good nonetheless. We made joint decisions on what we were doing, but she lost faith in me along the way. Crap, it hasn’t even been that long, I would think she would’ve at least given me a longer period of time or talked to me about it.

I’m not sure anymore. I love her with all my heart. It’s so very painful to go through this, but at times like this I feel like I might not want to be back together anymore. It is probably the pills talking, but I do know my feelings are changing the more she tells me things. I can’t get over her losing faith in me. I can understand her view though, it’s hard to plan to have children and a “stable life” when our finances are an unknown. It was long term planning for us though, and we agreed on it together.

I’m just getting sick of feeling hurt and helpless. I could write for hours, but I’ll end it here for now…