Divorce looming #6

[25yearsmlc]

Gentlemen, some of you are missing my point and nit picking semantics here.

Kev, the "R" you have with your wife right now is toxic to both of you. IT has to end, so you can have a healthy relationship with her which we ALL HOPE means a real marriage. You don't have that now and that is not God's will. Your claim about God's will is a great sound bite but it has been used by you to stay stuck, and spin your wheels in so many directions you actually don't move at all. I never said to file for divorce.

You wanted her to move to Florida just last month!! - you said that was your "dream"-- and now the next thing out of your mouth is she can't move there-- "not without me" and now, you now claim that means "not without my permission." Oh really?

Whatever Kev. Whatever. You DO have a control issue which is terribly ironic given the rest of your circumstances. You want to control and boss and dictate, but you have no leverage or power with which to do so. You measured your own worth in money terms, Obsessively, and now you don't have any money but are going to get financial support from your wife, and you were an attentive dad but then you took yourself away from your kids. Yeah, I'd say your choices are not all well thought out and she has a dang good point.

What do you want me to say? Bark orders at her? Fine, go tell her off. Demand your kids time? Fine, but don't make demands you can't back up; i.e., have a place for them to stay b/c homeless dads' don't get custody often.

If you want to be a dad, you have to have a job to help support them, and a home for them to go to. Wherever that is, it has to be. Period. End of story. Maybe, just maybe, if you focus on this, on making THIS happen----maybe your wife will see you in a different light and wake up....--- but maybe she'll think you look better in purple hair --or she'll think the sky is brown...you have NO control over what she thinks or says or feels. So forget about controlling HER...

I think you've left some details out of your story a few times here, so it's really hard to help. Your whole decision about Florida and leaving Dallas "for training to get a better job", and now wanting back in but without a job, and putting everything on your wife b/c of the A is over simplified, getting you nowhere, and self serving-- but only in the short term. Meaning, we can't help you when you give us partial truths.

You may think you sound better and may make her the "wrong" party-- but the thing is, you are not getting anywhere. I don't know you. I don't know your wife But I do know what you've said your wife told you; and she has said some things to you that DO RING TRUE, and you are not dealing with them.

Instead, you get guys riled up here about an evil "Cheating wife" and all they see is that -and the desire to punish, but when i say this M has to end, suddenly there is talk of "being loving"...or getting respect. Lots and lots of talk about respect. Which I think, (and it's a guess), but I think respect is something you did NOT give your wife for a long time. And maybe you didn't give it to yourself either b/c as you yourself admitted, you "Got complacent" and drank too much, and weren't ambitious like you once were and you fobbed off a well paying & high responsiblity job onto her shoulders, which she took on.

You can now play it with your own spin, as if she's suddenly materialistic and all she cares about is a certain salary, but I don't know if that's it. I dont' think that's fair or accurate. Plus you want financial support from her too, while you "find yourself". Imagine being in her shoes for a minute. I mean, there IS another way to look at this isn't there? Or better yet, put this in cave man terms. I think it helps at times to keep this simple.

If you think in cave man days about what women needed, it was to know that the cave was safe for us, and our offspring, and we'd care for the cave and protect the offspring --but we needed to know our mate would come home in the evening with some meat. The man needed to know a home would be there when he returned and that his offspring had survived, and some warmth awaited him. The women wants to know that the holes in the cave would be patched up so no dangerous animals could come in, and we'd stock up on grain and fruits and nuts for the storms in the winter----but if the mate did not come home with meat, b/c "he got complacent" and we had to go get the meat AND make sure the offspring were fine or still managed most of the childcare-and most women do even when they work full time-then the female of the species will not feel safe. She will realize that her mate is not bringing home much and it will feel unsafe and if he is oblvious for long enough, she may look elsewhere. Is there a safer cave? Is there a cave with a hunter in it who brings home enough meat for her and her offspring as well? ((No, don't jump up and down about how I'm defending adultery b/c I'm not. Just bear with me and see if anything resonates and if it doesn't, fine, drop it))

But I am tired of making this ALL about an affair, b/c for women, affairs mean a lot more than sex. I am sure that some men feel that way too, but I have never ever known a woman to have an A for purely sexual reasons. In my experience it has always been about something emotional. For my female friends that is.

But there's a lot more to this M's story than OM, isn't there? Until you really own that, you will stay mired in the same place Kev.

I hope you open up at your bible class and get a lot out of it. I really do. You are young enough to make changes in your life that can change the way you live and the way you raise your children and how they see men. You can overcome this. But your wife has some legitimate issues with you that you have to face Kev. Stop the deer in the headlights act and focus on what you can do to fix what you can fix. Forget about OM. That won't last. It can't. She's already discussing living elsewhere and if she wants the kids to see your relatives without you there, now and then, so what? Big picture---it cannot hurt you AND it's good for everyone b/c there's no tension. I think it could, in time, lead to something more, but you and your controlling nature and impatient ways, want to force things now...hey Kev, how many women are still posting here? I just got curious about that.
Good luck, seriously. I hope you make it.
(( j ))