Just missing you guys a little!

[Tawnya]

{{{Amy}}}} Hugs to you sweetie..sorry today was just a crazy day for ya and that you didn't get to have your fun plans tonight either..but glad you had that "interesting" hub experience!!

Good night my friend!!

Tawnya

[pearlharbr]

(((Amy)))

I'm so sorry to hear about S7's problems, and even more sorry that meant you had to give up your plans.

I think it gives all of us hope when someone catches a glipse of the elusive former partner within the body of the crazy person we're usually dealing with.

I'm sending good thoughts your way!

[Amy M]

Thanks a bunch, y'all!!! Today's better...and I don't have to pick S7 up from school...it's Dad's day.

S7 told me last night that he really didn't "mean to hit" the kids. He said they were playing rough and they hit him first. I told him I'd let it slide without too much agony just this once...but that if I ever heard of him hitting another child in defense or not, there'd be big trouble. So, now I just have to be tough about it when/if the time comes. He's a really good kid, and he seems to be adjusting well. But, I'm always on the look-out for signs of trouble. We had some at the beginning of the school year, but they sort of died away. I'm hoping the most recent bout of marks is just spring fever!

I'm wearing my emerald earrings today. That's a big step for me (should have worn them yesterday but didn't think about it!). They were a surprise gift from H when he returned from a business trip in late 2007. I'd always wanted emerald earrings! But, immediately after the bomb, I realized that he bought them while he was on a "business" trip with her and because I was involved in a car accident while he was away. They were a guilt gift for sure. I put them away swearing I'd never wear them again. But, today I was looking for some other earrings and saw them and thought, "Those are pretty. And, they are just earrings!" So, I wore them. I feel good about that. And, it didn't hurt much to remember how he surprised me with them or even to remember where he was and what he was likely doing immediately before and after he bought them!

I was also looking for something in my email last night for my taxes. And, I came across an email to H that was dated 12/28/07. Attached to the email was a marriage contract that I had written...it was my attempt at laying out the things that were important to me and the things that I thought were important to him in a manner that was easy for us both to understand and agree to. It was before my DB'ing days, but it actually wasn't bad DB'ing!!! I read through it and was struck by a couple of things...I knew about OW then (obviously not the extent of the A). There were several mentions of how I expected him to deal with her and how I expected him to deal with my questions about his friendship with her. There were also very clear bullets about what I needed from him in the way of physical touching.

I remembered the discussion that prompted me to write it and the discussions that followed. I wrote it because we were so miserable, and I thought relating to the marriage as a contract might help him since he seemed to understand "business things." I also thought that specifically stating items that would "show love" would help us recognize efforts by the other person. He agreed to idea, but then when I presented the draft he just got angry that I was telling him what to do. I tried to explain that it was a contract and that before the contract was signed by either party it was negotiated. I told him to change whatever he wanted and we'd discuss. In the end, he changed nothing and refused to sign it saying "we don't need that."

I was glad to find the email. It was a reminder of where we've been and for how long we've been there. And, it was refreshing to see that even then (at least 8 months before the bomb), I was trying hard to figure out ways to make the marriage work.

I'm good! I did my part. He didn't want to help. He's going to live with OW. He likely hasn't learned enough to make that work either. But, that won't be my problem!

So, if we are still counting the number of days on which I've felt no guilt for my marital situation...we are now on day 8. Even with yesterday's semi-bad day, I didn't feel guilt!

I've been checking on you guys too. Wow, pearl!!! I don't think I can offer much in the way of advice, but I'm anxious to see how the next weeks unfold.

Jon, hang in there. I know that rejection of the last ditch effort sucks...BTDT, but, it seems that you won't let it keep you down!!! Tawnya, you are doing great!!!

Love you guys much!!
Amy

[Tawnya]

Aww {{{Amy}}} thanks for the "yeah Tawnya" there YOU are doing great girl!! LOVE that you were able to wear your earrings THAT is great and you are doing amazingly great, as usual!

Hugs and love, as always!!

Tawnya

[marriedCrazy]

A boy has a right to defend himself without the fear of getting in trouble at home. Just keep that in mind as they're growing. If you want me to elaborate; you know how to find me.

[Amy M]

(((((Tawnya)))))!!!

Hey, mC...Hugs to you too! Yes, I know that. And, I will keep it in mind as they grow. But, it's tough to balance that idea with the idea that he can't just be hitting on kids. S7 knows the difference, I think. But, I have seen him hit S3 for no reason other than S3 was irritating him by making noises or standing in front of the tv, etc. That's not self defense. I did try to explain that the punishment last night was mostly about the marks from school and that I understood that he might have been the victim of the "ref" missing the 1st swing and catching the last one. And, I told him that he needed to be very careful about stuff like that because if it continued, I'd be hard pressed to believe it wasn't his fault everytime!! Thanks for the input and hang around and keep me honest...after today it appears that this is not going to just go away!

So, I came here to vent...

I called the boys tonight after Bible study...and I should preface this by saying that something in the Bible study touched me tonight and I was feeling soft about H and about the idea that God can still save him and that maybe I need to be focusing more energy on praying for his salvation than I have been...not as it relates to the marriage mind you!

So, H answers and I ask about their day. S7 got 2 marks recorded again today. H says, "I'm thinking that he might have ADD." So, I listen to him, and then I say, "H, our school has a reputation for "over-diagnosing" ADD. In fact, I can name 4 other boys his age whose parents have been asked to have their kid tested...and that's just the one's whose parents I know well. I think that if he was at risk, the teachers would have suggested testing to us by now." Where did he get this idea??? Last year, when he lived at home, he understood that the teachers at our school are quick to ask for testing. We have several friends who were called in for specific meetings with the teachers on the topic.

So, then I say (still very calmly and in an almost friendly tone), "I think there's something else going on with him. He won't really talk to me. Did you get him to talk to you?" H gets defensive..."Oh, here we go. Let's make this about something that it's not." I ignored the tone and the comment and said, "H, I was wondering if maybe there's something going on at school. Maybe he's had a fight with one of the other kids, etc. Did he mention anything like that to you?" He calms a little and says no. So, I say, let's give it one more week. If next week starts out like this one, I'll make us an appt. for a conference with the teacher. He agrees.

So, he says, "Let me get the boys. They are watching tv." So, I talk to them, and H gets back on the phone. I say, "So, does S7 get punished for the marks he got today." H says, "Yeah. I'm gonna make him sweep at the office this weekend." I say, "But, you let him watch tv tonight after you told me last night that I needed to take that away?" Needless to say, it went downhill from there.

He goes into this long spill about if he doesn't allow him to watch tv, then S7 will just go to sleep and that wouldn't be punishment at all. So, somehow, watching tv is punishment???? I got so frustrated, and I said, "Look, H, I called you last night to discuss how to handle the marks so we can be consistent. I took your advice last night, and now, you have totally undermined me by not taking your own advice tonight. What kind of partnership is this?" He says, "I didn't undermine you." I said, "Then why do I feel like you did?" He replies...in that really sarcastic tone that he's used 99.99% of the time since he left (other than the 1 statement last night), "Because that's just how YOU ARE."

All my fault again! I want to choke him, but I'm really in no mood to drive all the way over there.

I'm being tested...God told me to soften my heart towards H even more. I'm sure it was God I heard during my Bible study tonight. Then, I have this exchange with H that makes me so angry and makes me want to harden my heart and never be soft towards him again. I won't do it...I'll pray about it...and God will win!!

But, I don't know what to do about the inconsistent parenting. I really thought he'd try harder. He did say something about not having any things for S7 to do at his house. I just said, "Well, sometimes it's hard to be a parent." Didn't he say almost those exact words to me yesterday afternoon???

I know he's feeling some guilt. I hope he keeps feeling it. And, I know that's why he was defensive and that's why he tried to fight with me. I did fairly well. I didn't scream...and I wanted to!!!

Okay. I feel better...just needed to type that out!!!

Hope you guys all have a great night! I'm glad to have you for my friends!

Much love!!
Amy

[Tawnya]

{{{{Amy}}}} Yeah, I'd want to scream at him too, esp after you were feeling "soft" toward hub..funny how they manage to make you forget that fact pretty quickly with their actions LOLOL

Hugs to you and hope your day is good today!

Tawnya

[Amy M]

He's officially made me crazy!!!

I checked my email this morning and there was one from him on the settlement papers. He's asking for more time to refinance the boat. I knew he would after our discussion the other night. But, he ended the email with the question, "So, what do you want to do?" So, the crazy part was I responded with this stupid email...

H, I want to cancel the divorce and have my husband, the one who promised in front of family and friends to be faithful until death, come home and make things right for this family. It could be done. But, what Amy wants has been irrelevant for years. So, please mark up the settlement exactly as you think it should read and return it to me so I can get it finalized as quickly as possible and you can get on living your good, new life. Amy

And, not following the 24-hour wait rule (because I've never followed that rule, ever!!!), I hit send.

I showered and got dressed for work, and then called and left the following VM...H, I sent you an email this morning in a moment of insanity. Please disregard it. I meant everything in it, I just shouldn't have actually said the words out loud so to speak. Call me when you can because we need to discuss my liability concerns about the boat.

So, he calls. We argue because he can't refinance the boat. And, surprise, that's MY fault! And, so is the fact that he took my name off the boat insurance when he renewed it. And, believe it or not, it's also MY fault that this divorce is not done and that by the time it's complete he'll only have 2 weeks per the agreement to get his financial stuff in order. And, finally, it's MY fault that he doesn't have time to discuss it any further because he's got to work so much harder to ensure that he can make enough money to pay off all that he owes (to me...not said, but implied by tone).

At one point, I hung up...I did tell him I was going to if he didn't change his tone. I waited 5 minutes and called back. I told him that none of this financial mess was my fault. I reminded him that he had agreed to refinance by June 1, and that he had been the one to delay getting me the initial draft of the settlement, and that I never told him to take my name off the insurance. And, that I never, ever had wanted the divorce, but that I had actually gone above and beyond to try to facilitate the process for him.

Then I said, mark up the agreement as you want it to read...word for word. Don't send me comments to add, but, mark it up. Then, send me the marked up version, and I'll get that to the attorney immediately. I will need you to add my name back onto the insurance if you are not going to refinance the boat right away.

So, in the end, he's gonna hate me anyway in spite of all of my efforts to make sure that didn't occur. Not much I can do about that now. Maybe that was the message I got from God last night...that He can see to it that eventually H and I can get along again for the sake of the kids...that in itself would be a giant to conquer at this point for sure!

Okay...just needed to get it off my chest. I'm fine. I was feeling soft last night...like maybe I was moving ahead sooner than God intended. Surely don't have that same feeling today!!!

Hugs and love to all!!!

Amy

[StrgMarvelousWmn]

{{{{{AMY}}}}}

What a butthead your H can be at times! Good for you for hanging up when he started yelling at you. I guess he does not see the reality that every time he changed something, his precious D is held up.

Do not let him bait you. You are being the bigger person, the better parent. Hold onto that every time he starts to spew.

Living God's blessings with grace and dignity~
SMW

[pearlharbr]

Grrr, these men are crazy! I second SMW, do not let him bait you. Continue being the adult in the sitch, as difficult as it is right now. I know you probably just want to smack him, or is that me projecting?

Deep breath and think about how much calmer your life will be without all is craziness.

Hope you can salvage the day!