Moved out to apartment, WAW moved back to house

[healthydad]

Damn...sorry to hear about that...sounds like you were wise to just keep driving.

How are you doing?

[MrNiceGuy]

Yesterday was bad. Today, I sent her an e-mail regarding the upcoming schedule for who has our son on which day. She asked me "Are we not talking to each other?", then said "I have no animosity toward you. I hope you don't either."

Give me a f*ing break! Of course you don't - you got what you want.

Personally, it helps me if I convince myself that she is going through an MLC, but part of me still wants to hang on rather than let go and get on with my life without her. It's amazing how blatantly cold they can be during this time.

[MrNiceGuy]

Time for me to confront my wife about how controlling she's been during our marriage. Why the h*ll wasn't I the WAS?

This is going to be ugly.

[healthydad]

Wait, why are you going to do that? Confronting her won't help you at all and puts the focus in the wrong place...Slow down, take some time to consider what you're going to do next...it should be about you - not her. If she is MLC, you are going to have to find a profound patience in yourself - and a powerful level of forgiveness...and that's much easier when you focus on yourself instead of her...

I really don't understand why you're going to confront her...where is that coming from?

.c.

[MrNiceGuy]

Hearing from mutual friends that she pretty much loathes me and she felt I was a controlling nightmare, which is exactly what I saw her as.

Yes, I did overreact and set the 'meeting', and we had a long, comfortable discussion where we both pointed out the control issues to each other and ended with me asking for the divorce, which she was content with.

This is not what I wanted to happen overall, but we were both very calm and composed about it walked out feeling it was the best decision. Right now, I feel surprisingly good, like a large burden has been lifted, but I'm certain I'll panic by tomorrow.

I also plan to continue with my coach in case there is some progress down the road between us.

Perhaps this is permanent, perhaps this is a backslide, but we made a huge amount of progress about the reality of the situation in a short amount of time.

I'm certain my coach will chastise me.

[MrNiceGuy]

I was good last night, but sad today with anxiety about 'what have I done'. I think her A has blinded her towards our R, and definitely skewed the facts about who was 'controlling' in the marriage. She may regret it all someday when she finally wakes up, but my latest over-reaction has set in motion a faster pace to our divorce.

Ironically, it's helping me to re-focus on GAL and not obsessing as much, but at what cost?

[MrNiceGuy]

I keep trying to rationalize her irrational, lying, back-stabbing, affair behavior. She's apparently even trying to turn my own son against me -- he's only 6.

During an affair, the WAW is completely irrational until long after the affair, right? Does somebody have a story have how that turned around after a few or even several months - even during the D filing process?

[MrNiceGuy]

My S6 started telling me about her friend and comments made by my W. I didn't want to believe him, assuming a 6 year old's imagination was getting the better of him, but some of the terminology he used was clearly not his own - which gave it credibility.

He basically stated that W has stated she hates me many times in his presence, and even told S6 that she didn't want me as her husband anymore on the way back from a work party where OM was.

I've tried to be careful about what I say to S6 when he's with me, but I'll let him know when my heart is hurting because of W actions.

Yesterday morning, she confronts me when I came to pick up S6, accusing me of using him to discredit her and basically paint a scarlet letter on her chest.

That made me angry. She can attack me all she wants, but when she starts attacking my relationship to my son, it doesn't go over well, especially when S6 is saying that W is making slanderous comments towards me.

I pointed out that S6 is smart and does have an imagination, also pointing out that S6 is saying W is guilty of making negative comments about me. She denied saying anything, of course, and I could tell she thought I was lying to her.

She's totally hitting 'below the belt', pointing the finger at me for everything when she's just as, if not more, guilty than I am.

Uggh.

[healthydad]

Brian,
I think you might want to read some of Refusetolose threads - he's a great guy that went through something very similar to what you're describing - he's now divorced - but a lot stronger and healthier than when his situation started - and he's still dealing with a volatile XW - just as I am dealing with an angry STBX.

I would also suggest that you start a thread in newcomers - just to get to know more people - and then eventually come back to separated...the threads here just don't get the same amount of attention as threads in newcomers - so you might find more feedback there.

Take care of yourself.
Carlos.

[MrNiceGuy]

Thanks Carlos.

I can see my W second guessing the separation and/or potential divorce, but at the same time keeps moving forward with separating our finances. It seems like part of her confusion is not really about me, rather the fear of going alone and starting over. It seems like it's a race for me to prove that I am better than starting completely over again.

I'll check out 'Refusetolose'.