Hi Rob, Well done with your response about the ring...When I was sharing one of my SBTX's negative episodes with my T his response was, "is she asking you any questions?" (I had shared an email with him). And since there was no question, there was no need for me to respond. I've since used that simple concept as my guide in responding to her. Whenever I get an email or text from her, I simply check - is she asking any questions, and if there are questions, are they practical or about my son...and then I proceed. It's made it very easy for me to ignore her most aggressive, accusatory emails in which she goes out her way to try to define.
That said, I slip up a bit yesterday when she picked up my baby boy - when I handed her his jacket and T-shirt she snipped, "You don't have to throw his things at me." I hadn't thrown anything at her - so I just looked her in the eyes and said, "I didn't throw anything at you. Stop lying." Maybe it was a mistake to say that - but it was just one of those moments when the words just came out...still, I think it's best not to play into the volatility.
Hope you're having a fine week, my friend, and I look forward to hearing about the next date!
Sorry I've been away. I've just been busy w/school and my D.
Things have been going very well as of late and I'll fill you all in on that soon. I'm posting right now because I'm disappointed in myself for taking the bait and responding back to XW.
I have D this week on Thursday and Friday and they are early release dates for her, so I asked XW if she had any ideas about what to do or if she had the phone number for after school care so I could find out if they were open on 1/2 days.
Well, XW sent back a scathing e-mail accusing me of being a poor parent and saying that it was my responsibility to figure out what to do on these days.
She continued to accuse me of "barraging her w/texts and phone calls" and said there will be no more adjustments in the schedule w/out "two weeks' notice." She also said she'd go to court to get this settled if needed.
As hard as I tried to refrain, I responded. That is why I'm down right now.
So, I asked her why she was so angry and if this was the type of relationship she wanted to have. I asked her if this was what would be in D's best interest. I agreed to her "non-flexible" schedule request, but told her to be careful of what she wished for as this is a two-way street.
I let her know that although she has primary physical custody, she can not dictate the terms of our custody as that is something we have to jointly agree on, especially concerning the holidays.
I pointed out to her that I have joint legal custody of D so she can't choose to keep her out of school to prolong a vacation w/out my consent.
She told me I was going to start paying for Friday morning day care to which I replied that I'm already paying for it through child support so I won't be making a double-payment to her.
I let her know that I never call for her, but to talk w/D and the only reason I text her is to answer questions about things that are still left unsettled (i.e. the ring).
I told her if she wanted to go to court, that is fine, but the documentation of all the texts and e-mails shows that I'm not the aggressor.
I asked her to choose what type of relationship she wants to have w/me concerning our D and let me know. I told her I wanted a relationship where we both worked together for D, but she'll need to decide the path she's choosing to take. I let her know I wish her and her BF well and hope they are happy together for a long time b/c both she and D deserve that. I let her know I have no ill will toward her, but she must choose for herself how she'll interact w/me and whether or not that is in the best interests of our D.
I finally told her that since we are no longer married, she doesn't have permission to get mad at me for her issues. I asked her to try to treat me w/respect when we communicate in the future.
I am so mad at myself, so I'm posting for my deserved 2X4s. I feel like an idiot for replying, but I guess I couldn't take it anymore. I guess I'm not as big of a man as I thought I was.
So, I'm down as this has put a damper on my day. I'll recover, but for now, I need to take my lumps.
No 2 x 4 from me. I will tell you what I told Karen. She is not your friend and even though you would like a civil relationship, she isn't there yet(for whatever reason). So don't call and ask her especially as it is going to set her off. Though I realize that a normal person wouldn't respond the way she did.
Maybe once a month you could get her school schedule. I know here we can go on line and look up the calender. I actually have the whole year so I know ahead of time when they are off. Then I just make the adjustments I need. I am sorry that this isn't easier and the person that you used to be "in this with" can't deal with interactions.
You are going to be fine. Deep breaths. I actually thought I would buy a dozen eggs, draw facial features and dots of hair and have at it for when I am mad at ex. Maybe you could find a similar outlet? lol
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Rob, you really should not try and reason with her. Any detailed response you give back to her will be percieved by her as an argument as she feels that she can do no wrong. Stick with the short answers and questions or no response at all for scathing emails.
Go to a batting cage or golf range and name each ball after your X. That will give you some relief.
"I let her know that although she has primary physical custody, she can not dictate the terms of our custody as that is something we have to jointly agree on, especially concerning the holidays."
On what basis was she given 'primary physical custody'? And why did you agree to this?
(You may need to keep the so so called 'relationship' to an absolute minimum and strictly legal and business like. No going to her for advice or to her aid. If she gets at your throat, end the conversation right there so you don't get dragged down into the muck. Remember she's feeding off you, both financially and emotionally, with a BF and there's child, this is no better than animal behavior and that should give you some courage.)
Rob, When I read your post the first thought I had was that there is nothing you can do to avoid her anger if you interact with her - and any type of conversation you have with her seems to give her an opportunity to release her tensions in your direction. She is not rational when it comes to interacting with you - and no amount of reasoning or patience on your part will improve that situation - it's a terrible shame that she has simply accepted her way of being as "normal" and justifiable - but that is her reality to deal with not yours - so long as she doesn't seem like a risk to your D.
While I'm not divorced yet, I do experience that same kind of mindless anger coming from B - it's just always there, waiting for a chance to come out - and she'll find a way to do it. What's the best way to respond? For now I've continued in my method of not responding to anything she says or does unless it has a question mark associated with it - if there is no question (and by question, I mean anything related to S2 or practical matters) than she gets no response from me. Nothing. I read her emails and texts, listen to her messages, but do not respond at all unless there is a clear question - and then the response is as matter of fact as possible. A yes or no question gets a yes or a no response, no explanations, no justifications, nothing more - and a request for information - i.e. my soc# for her taxes - gets just that, my soc# with no questions and no additional interaction. It's kind of the way I respond to Windows when it hiccups on my computer...the error messages pop up, I acknowledge them and move on.
From your post it seems like asking her questions gives her the chance to be angry...perhaps it would be best not to ask questions but simply share information with her? When my S2 didn't have school last Wed for an admin day, B had said nothing to me about it - and so I wrote to her saying, "please let me know if you intend to have S2 home with you, if not, I will arrange to have him home with me." So I couched the question in a way that still let me be in control of my time with S2 - and didn't give her an opportunity to pretend that she had a better sense of what to do than I did...hm...just occurred to me that part of the issue is that when you ask her questions you empower her - and she takes that bit of power and uses it to try to define you...at least that's what my gut is telling me...I may be wrong...but it looks that way from afar.
Well...whatever the issues she's got - at least you get your time with your D, and that's beautiful.
Do you get much of a Spring break to spend with her?
Keep it simple and to the facts.. don't add anything, let the ex or lawyer do the legwork.
Stick to email and respond only with the facts, no emotional issues.
Take accountability for the time you have with your daughter. Know her vacations, half days and plan accordingly.
Do not expect your ex-wife to be a problem solver at this point. She has to be the one to offer.
Any suggestions you make will look like demands. Facts, only bare bone facts.
You are a single parent when you have your daughter.. think like one. Turn to friends, trusted neighbors and family. Call the school when you're not sure of schedules and ask questions. They love to help nice daddies.
