I went looking for you the other night. Where have you been??
I've been doing a lot in the way of self discovery since I started here. So, tremendous progress there, I think. Just knowing more about yourself gives you strength.
No, not a ton has changed with H. But, the issue is still at the surface and not swept under a rug or hidden deep in the underwear drawer with the porn any longer.
I'm determined to keep working. Someday passion will be in my life.
Thanks for checking in, and please come and visit again!
I'm glad to hear your self discovery is giving you strength. I wish you the best of luck in your journey.
I drop by and update my own thread every now and then (i.e., every month or so). My marriage seems to be on the road to recovery, but it seems so fragile ...
It's good to hear from you.
me: 50 w (waw): 45 daughter: 9 m: 16 t: 19 bomb: 9/26/08 status: physical separation for 7 weeks, then work-in-progress R
Why do I sense that hopelessness is in the air? In every post I read, I sense discouragement. Or, am I projecting?
For the past few days, I've been busy. Living in the "surface," just going about my business. It's a bit of a relief, but there is still the underlying current of angst. I've retreated from putting forth my sexual creatureness. I've stopped being playful and looking H in the eyes. We're just living side by side right now.
Not sure what is going on. Perhaps I'm losing enthusiasm. Or, perhaps I'm just taking a break from the maddening study of my mind and of our life.
Here I am again. It's Monday and there is no chance of spending much quality time with H until the weekend comes. I've got lots of plans this week, so I'll be able to busy about without much drama.
Weather should be warming up soon. That's what I'm looking forward to right now.
Yes, there is good reason to be patient. H is a perfectly wonderful guy, a great friend, a great roommate, a loving father. He is dedicated. He is sweet. He is smart, clever, creative. We have a 1-yr-old, and we both want to give him the best life possible.
I'm the only one here with a problem. I'm the only one who feels dread.
H is *trying* as much as he can or is willing. As long as he tries, I can't give up on him. Yet, anyway.
Me *trying* looks like me putting forth plenty of opportunity for ML, working on being more sexy and less "pretty mommy." That doesn't seem like much work, but it does get tiring sometimes to put it all out there without much coming back.
How can I put this... H responds to my sexuality and playfulness with a smile, with a reciprocal kiss, with a pat on the butt. But he isn't initiating playfulness, sexy behavior... I don't think he feels sexy or worthy of sex.
So, I sometimes feel that I'm playing the role of the man by being the one who thinks about our sex life and works on displays to entice him and please him. I make it easy for him. He can tell when it's a low-risk time to initiate. When I'm not putting on a display, he will lay there with his head on my hip and not make a move.
I wish he'd bust through his fear. It's a form of paralysis.
Cut yourself some slack LG. I am sure we must go through cycles of energy and motivation. I know I am in the same kind of space mentally right now.
Do something nice for yourself and come back to this when you are ready.
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
Last night: I had a big corned beef and cabbage dinner ready for H. He came home earlier than usual, so ML could have been a possibility. I kissed him passionately when he came home. Funny... He kissed me passionately AS HE WAS LEAVING yesterday morning. When he came home, I sensed that he was less receptive to my kisses. Then he ate his dinner with a couple of beers (he loved it) and fell asleep resting his head on my hip while I stroked his head and face. I wasn't too blatent, but I think the signs were there. I guess he was tired or I was too subtle or a little of both.
Lucky...hmmmm....you have mentioned him laying his head on your hip and you stroking his face and hair before, like this is a regular occurance.
It sounds very sweet and motherly of you to do this for him...but that might not be what is best in your case.
I think you should back off from types of intimacy that seem too "mommy" toward him. Instead, offer to rub his big muscly shoulders, and tell him how much you are enjoying it while you do it. Or offer to rub his temples, but stand directly in front of him while you do it so he is faced with your bosom (ie: temptation). Or rub his feet, but look directly in his eyes while you do it and tell him how hard you know he works, etc. Do things that give him your softness and intimacy, but only do things that remind him you are a woman and he is your husband, not your child.
On the other hand, making him dinner with his fave beers is perfect wife behavior. Two thumbs up on that one!
Or if you wanted to be a girl gone wild, you could have slipped your breast into his lips while he was resting his head on your hip instead of touching his face and hair....oops! Is that too naugthy of me?
That is so helpful. I never thought of it as being mommy behavior. Well slap my ass and call me Sally.
Slipping the boob in his mouth... This is not easy. I flashed him my boob the other day and he just smiled and shook his head and kept busying about. Being a funny girl, my style is not to flash with dead-seriousness. I am more playful, humorous, smiley. Therefore, those types of displays let him off the hook and allow me to pretend as if I wasn't hoping for anything.
I'm doing the cha-cha for a country fan. Or, I'm doing a striptease for a blind person. Or, I'm doing a clown act for a cowboy. Something like that.
I need lessons and practice. And, dammit, I need some positive reinforcement from H. A little encouragement. Somethin'. Somebody throw me a bone here. (insert Dr Evil's voice)
Lucky, I hear ya'...I'll throw ya a frickin' bone. LOL!
But I hear you with regards to not getting any feed back = stripping for a blind man.
This is something you will have to make him see and understand. He needs to have the COURAGE to open his mouth and say something complimentary to you, about your body or how sexy you are. This is going to be required of him, so if there is any way to get him slowly in that direction, definitely work on it.
