Just missing you guys a little!

[Amy M]

Thanks a bunch, y'all!!! Today's better...and I don't have to pick S7 up from school...it's Dad's day.

S7 told me last night that he really didn't "mean to hit" the kids. He said they were playing rough and they hit him first. I told him I'd let it slide without too much agony just this once...but that if I ever heard of him hitting another child in defense or not, there'd be big trouble. So, now I just have to be tough about it when/if the time comes. He's a really good kid, and he seems to be adjusting well. But, I'm always on the look-out for signs of trouble. We had some at the beginning of the school year, but they sort of died away. I'm hoping the most recent bout of marks is just spring fever!

I'm wearing my emerald earrings today. That's a big step for me (should have worn them yesterday but didn't think about it!). They were a surprise gift from H when he returned from a business trip in late 2007. I'd always wanted emerald earrings! But, immediately after the bomb, I realized that he bought them while he was on a "business" trip with her and because I was involved in a car accident while he was away. They were a guilt gift for sure. I put them away swearing I'd never wear them again. But, today I was looking for some other earrings and saw them and thought, "Those are pretty. And, they are just earrings!" So, I wore them. I feel good about that. And, it didn't hurt much to remember how he surprised me with them or even to remember where he was and what he was likely doing immediately before and after he bought them!

I was also looking for something in my email last night for my taxes. And, I came across an email to H that was dated 12/28/07. Attached to the email was a marriage contract that I had written...it was my attempt at laying out the things that were important to me and the things that I thought were important to him in a manner that was easy for us both to understand and agree to. It was before my DB'ing days, but it actually wasn't bad DB'ing!!! I read through it and was struck by a couple of things...I knew about OW then (obviously not the extent of the A). There were several mentions of how I expected him to deal with her and how I expected him to deal with my questions about his friendship with her. There were also very clear bullets about what I needed from him in the way of physical touching.

I remembered the discussion that prompted me to write it and the discussions that followed. I wrote it because we were so miserable, and I thought relating to the marriage as a contract might help him since he seemed to understand "business things." I also thought that specifically stating items that would "show love" would help us recognize efforts by the other person. He agreed to idea, but then when I presented the draft he just got angry that I was telling him what to do. I tried to explain that it was a contract and that before the contract was signed by either party it was negotiated. I told him to change whatever he wanted and we'd discuss. In the end, he changed nothing and refused to sign it saying "we don't need that."

I was glad to find the email. It was a reminder of where we've been and for how long we've been there. And, it was refreshing to see that even then (at least 8 months before the bomb), I was trying hard to figure out ways to make the marriage work.

I'm good! I did my part. He didn't want to help. He's going to live with OW. He likely hasn't learned enough to make that work either. But, that won't be my problem!

So, if we are still counting the number of days on which I've felt no guilt for my marital situation...we are now on day 8. Even with yesterday's semi-bad day, I didn't feel guilt!

I've been checking on you guys too. Wow, pearl!!! I don't think I can offer much in the way of advice, but I'm anxious to see how the next weeks unfold.

Jon, hang in there. I know that rejection of the last ditch effort sucks...BTDT, but, it seems that you won't let it keep you down!!! Tawnya, you are doing great!!!

Love you guys much!!
Amy