The example I can use is a hard one, and you and her are nowhere close to being able to use.
After several months of "No Contact" and with kids that can be hard, no contact except for quick emails or phone calls about the bills or our boys, and not allowing her to talk about anything else without ending the conversation sometimes rudely...
She did send me an email once after giving her some IC information, she wrote: "Thank you for not hating me."
I lost it.
I blasted her with a reply: No I don't hate you, but I hate every lame ass thing you have done, I hate your silly childish excuses and self indulgent justifications for them. (Never once did I attack the OM and their relationship directly) But you know what I hate most of all? I hate that I get to be a part-time dad now. So your welcome for me not hating you. I just hate everything you have done since November.
(I then ended this blast with the email closure she had been using on me since I kicked her out:)
"You are what you do when it matters most." Right?
Strangely I never seen her use that quote since then.
Two and half months later and the end of one of my famously quick boys conversations, she asked me not to hang up on her in the smallest voice I have ever heard from her.
I won't bore you with the details of her asking if we could work on us, but I will give you the gist of my initial reply to her:
"I will not be in your life in any capacity if he is in yours. I don't care if you think it is an ultimatium, this is for me not you. And if you lie to me and when I find out if you do, the way I have treated you now (absolutely no communication beyond boys or bills) will seem like a warm summer day compared to how I will treat you. so you had better think about this and be sure of what you want. If you want this then I will see you on Friday on my porch when I get home, otherwise have a nice life.”
Boundaries are ultimatums.
Mine is an extreme example and with the Last Resort Technique, something I warn you seems really cool and effective, but if you cannot walk away…then you ARE a doormat and they know it. If you aren’t capable of biting it does matter how big and sharp your teeth are. I didn't care if she came back...actually didn't want her too.
I was so capable of walking away, that truth be told, sometimes even now as great as things are, sometimes I wonder what that life would have been like, that is how much I wanted to walk away and be done.
Mach1, has some less extreme examples if we can get him to be serious for a few minutes.
Boundaries are also rules, don’t do this or I do that.
“You might be having a bad day, but don’t talk to me that way.” “Or what?” “I dunno walk out and go spend 2 hours buying a book about why your such a beotch? “(Perhaps not the best choice of words, unless you’re looking to see the veins in her forehead.)
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
These are my views on boundries. They are for you, and they are for the things that directly affect you. Anything less ? Well thats just being an A$$. The early boundries that I set were small, but directly affected our communication.
But those were necessary to continue down the road with this. They opened up communication for us enough to learn to be civil with each other.
I.E. It's not okay to treat me like a piece of crap even though you ARE tired.
They seemed small at the time, but they ended up being effective. They need to be laid out in a loving manner the FIRST time, and if they have to be repeated, well then......bombs away my friend.
The first is the hardest, after that , you realize that it isn't about her.....it's about you. Just don't start laying them down just cause you can. You will know when to speak.
For me ? They didn't start having the desired affect until her anger wore down. Not a time frame, I just noticed that slowly, she started NOT being as angry around me.
Well I had an encounter with her today. We met to talk one on one about some stuff. Nothing R related just friendship stuff (support while she's going to C blah blah blah). I could tell when I sat down that she was "checked out". I started talking and I could tell she wasn't listening to a thing I said. I said, "You know what? This was a mistake for me to come here. You don't want to hear anything I have to say." I started to get up and she said, "No no no going ahead and talk." I said, "No this was definitely a mistake." got up and left. That was a definite 180 for me. I gotta say it felt pretty d@mn good. I was able to stay calm and not lash out at her even though I wanted to rip her up and down.
It's like Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde sometimes. I see glimpses of the way my wife was and there's days like today where it seems there's an invisible wall between us.
Although it felt good to walk out ? And it was a 180 for you ..
I completely missed the part where you validated her, and showed a little concern for her. I'm thinkin that it became about you when she wasn't listening to YOU.
Sorry man, this isn't about you right now.......
It sucks, and it isn't fair, but then again....who said life was fair.
Well I had an encounter with her today. We met to talk one on one about some stuff. Nothing R related just friendship stuff (support while she's going to C blah blah blah).
If I misread....I apologize, I just assumed that you wouldn't blah,blah,blah yourself...
