Divorce looming #6

[MrBond]

Keep their pictures up close where you can see them everyday.

And call them just to say 'hello'. You don't need your W's permission to talk to your own kids.

[K4D]

I keep the one of D7 right next to me in whatever room I am in. She had made a picture at chucky cheese of herself and gave it to me to take with me before I left for Florida. I had my W take a picture of D11 and send it to me on my computer so I just need to print that one out and keep it also beside me.

But ya, everytime I get down, I turn and look at my picture of D7 and think about her and D11. It helps keep me going.

I still have a family picture on my IM account. My W only has a picture of her on hers. But she sees our family together everytime she and I IM. Thats not why I have it there. I put it up a long time ago. I just haven't removed it. It also helps keep me going. Although sometimes I think it may be holding me back from moving on.

One thing D11 said before I left as she looked at the picture. She started crying and told me she wishes we could be like that again. I told her I wish we could to. I told her I want us to be.

D11 is going to grow up resenting her mom. She knows this is not my doing. She knows her mom cares more about herself than anyone else right now. She is no dummy.

While my kids know I made mistakes, they also know that I still want our family fixed. My W and her BFF say that I am making her the bad guy. I disagree. I am saying I am not for this and she is having to admit that she is. Well, thats her making her own self the bad guy. I'm not going to tell the kids I am for this also when I am not.

W can be mad about it all she wants. But if she wants this. She has to own up to it like it or not. And she did.

Anyways, thats a past story at this point. I just got started thinking about it with my kids.

Kevin

[K4D]

Oh and I do call them every day. I don't ask for W's permission to do that. And she actually is very good about making sure I get to talk to them. I will give her credit there.

Its one of the few areas I actually can right now.

Kevin

[K4D]

I'm back to studying today. Its definitely hard keeping my mind from thinking about W. I'm trying to manage though.

Kevin

[K4D]

I talked to Cheryl my DBing coach today.

She said I need to go back and get a job and do my studying at night and be there for my kids.

She said screw what my W thinks at this point. I have a friend that agreed to let me stay with him while I look for a job and study at nights til June when I will be allowed back in my house.

Cheryl said like all of yall to move on without W and do whats best for me and the kids. It doesn't matter what W thinks at this point. What matters is what the kids need.

She also suggested a website... http://www.divorce-education.com on how best for both parents to handle kids through this process.

She said hopefully by moving on that W will eventually wonder and may come around. But right now, thats not where she is and probably won't be for some time.

She said I have to stop thinking about W and think about me and the kids. The kids need me regardless of what W thinks says or does. She said I have to stop trying to please W.

Yall have all said this stuff. But it sounds like I do need to be in the same city as my kids even if not in the same house so I can still be there for them.

She said don't get W's opinion on coming back. Don't even consult her on it. It doesn't matter what she wants.

Kevin

[MrBond]

Well I think she's spot on with that. See we could've saved you some $$$.

Like 25MLC says: come up with a plan and stick with it. Whether you stay in FL or go back to TX, stick with it. We'll be here for you. You're not alone on this journey.

[25yearsmlc]

the m has to end kev, if you want a healthy m with this lady someday, then you'll have to let this R die...it is NOT a M...it's not. So let it die and hope you can rebuild something later with her. I have those 2 relatives who divorced only to remarry later but it was years later and they DID change their ways. She said you are weak so for God's sake stop asking for her approval.'
Don't you see that seeking her approval gets you the opposite? It is UNattractive and don't say it's you "standing for your M" b/c it is really you refusing to try something new b/c of your terror at the thought of losing her. Look, she's gone.
That does not mean you won't someday have something to build on but it sure isn't this type of thing.


Her moving back to Florida is a GREAT sign but why did you insist that YOU would have to be part of it? You don't have that right. She can move and so can you and you BOTH have input into where your kids live. But when she makes a tentative move like saying "maybe we'll move back (where NO OM is) you instantly make yourself part of the package? Take it SLOWLY for God's sake. Back off and take care of yourself. Get a job or training or whatever SOMEWHERE....and just do it. But if she wants to move in 2 years, why tell her NOW that you'll have to be consulted b/c you are their father blah blah blah. SHE KNOWS THAT and if she doesn't, she will when the time comes IF it ever does...no need to say those things now. LISTEN to her...just listen... Stop trying to control...

Stop sniveling up to her for her snippets of approval which is not getting you anything but disrespect and contempt. The more desparate you act the more repellant it is. You have to step back so she can see you objectively. And let the idiot A run its' course. Like I said, I doubt OM is all that crazy about gertting a DIV and remarrying right away. If they do, their chance of M success is very low.

Be the best man you can be and leave the results up to God. But think out your course of action and don't oversimplify...think it out. Why'd you leave the area in the first place if you could have stayed in Dallas? B/C you were needing to get away from her? Okay, can you handle being in the same city? That's what she fears, you being close enough to obsess and follow and pursue. YOU CANNOT DO THAT...

(( j ))

[MrBond]

I wouldn't go so far as to say let the M die like 25mlc is saying. Rather, let your loving thoughts of your W go. The M is only the circumstance. Even if you did get a D, your W is still going to be around. She's not going to poof go up in smoke.

In your mind, you need to let her go. If not, whether you're married or not, you're going to still be following her around.

Like what was said earlier. If you're going to do anything, move back, stay away, whatever ... do it for you and stick to your guns. Only then are you going to be able to move on with YOUR life.

[K4D]

ugg....

Kevin

[K4D]

25,

I just meant she couldn't take the kids without us both going there. And that I could get a court order on. Not to keep her, but to keep my kids from being moved away from me.

Ya, I should not have stated the obvious to her. Guess I wasn't thinking again. Something else she hates about me. Apparently I never think.

One thing she has said that she hates about me is that she will suggest something and I will say ya, I hadn't thought of that. And that drives her crazy. Apparently I hadn't put enough thought into things to ever come up with what she does.

I agree that Jacksonville is a good sign that she isn't sure this A is going to last. Although she has alot of friends in Jacksonville, mainly guys that I am wondering if she is thinking about hitting up next if this doesn't work. Who knows. I don't know. Nor do I have the sanity to sit here and try and figure out any motives.

I guess with everything she has done, I just have to question anything and everything.

But yes, hopefully she will move to Jacksonville and maybe we can get a new start. Anything is possible.

Ya I know, move on. I can't fix us until I fix me.

I hear what you are saying about the M has to end before a new beginning can start years down the road. But if I come to that conclusion, then I am not staying true to Gods will. Not that I am perfect, don't get me wrong. I'm also not holier than thou. Although I am really trying to be a much better christian and work on my faith and figure those things out.

But I know that God's will is not divorce. That I know. So I have started praying that my M be saved but at the end I say his will, not mine be done.

Kevin