Hello SMW...I did read some of your earlier posts (sad m. wife, right?) I had lost track of your sitch but I am glad to get an update.
From what I remember, your H's OW is an older woman, and you are older than he is, too (but not by as much as the OW). I am just putting this into place as far as the dynamic he seems to be "chasing"....I hesitate to just say the obvious, that he has mommy issues? But tell me if that is not too far off base. So because the OW is so much older (I hope I have these details right) he might be so enmeshed within his mommy thing that he literally cannot pull himself out of it.
I think you are wise to operate under the assumption that he is in contact with her every day or as much as possible, and that he is attempting to create a new life with her (based on him asking for a D). All is not lost however, as most affairs really DO end up on some trash heap, never to be picked up again. However, that might not happen before you have given up on him. I know you have already heard all of this and its not really advice. I'm just saying from personal experience that his affair WILL END at some point, and he is going to be sad and looking for mommy again as soon as that happens.
So....this is just girlfriend to girlfriend advice now....if I were you I would refuse to be his mommy or support him in any way, including not letting him stay at the house UNLESS he declares he is done with the A and has established NC which you can verify. I know that's almost the opposite of what you want, because he has been deployed, he is your H, and you miss him terribly....you will want him home when he gets back, and you will want to be with him intimately, etc.
The problem with a cheater is that they will always eat cake as long as its offered. Its like there is a total separation and they don't even feel guilty about it. They can completely compartmentalize themselves and take all you will give them, yet still take all their affair partner will give them, and they themselves will give NEITHER of you their 100%. You will each get only about 25%. The other 50% of their effort will be devoted to their own selfishness on some level.
I know this doesn't really help you but these are my impressions.
I will come answer the other posts individually shortly....
