WOM: You sound very strong and confident, which is a big change from your earlier posts! You do need to be careful, though. I also came to a point in my sitch where I went through the whole "awakening" phase, and started acting very 'holier-than-thou' to my wife. I felt justified that her cheating and abandonment of our family was grounds for me to feel the way I did. Let me tell you that it was a backslide.
You need to validate your W feelings. Tell her that you understand why she would feel the way she does, or that you can see where her concerns are. Becoming defensive, or even attacking her on her feelings is not validation, and it will cause resentment.
It is great that you are coming around to the position that you can live w/o your W, you need to make sure not to rub their noses in your new convictions.
Congrats on your outlook. Tune down the hard-line talk, and tune up the compassion when she needs validation. At other times, let your actions speak for you.
Me40 WAW37 M18 T20 S18,14 D13 EA Bomb 6/08 Sep 11/20/08 Ret 08/09 Sep/Filed 11/09
You did great on this one. I agree 100% with Puppy, you are doing just fine.
Originally Posted By: working on me
Now that she can see that i have had an awakening and sees the changes i have made she is 98% sure.
That still sounds like she is over it to me.
That means there is some doubt in her mind. Do not get discouraged, this is actually a good development. You have a good shot at this, if my own experience counts for anything. I heard almost exactly the same words a few weeks after the bomb. If she was 100% sure, she would leave now and never look back.
Originally Posted By: working on me
I told her that if she were to ask anyone if when a father says that same statement they would respect it, I also said that you as their mother should be happy that is my priority.
This is the only thing you should skip next time. Do not tell her how she should feel. But do not beat yourself up for this one, just wanted to point this out to you.
Originally Posted By: working on me
She asked me so what does that mean for her and I, ...
Beautiful, now she is taking temperature.
Originally Posted By: working on me
I then told her my "awakening" has caused me to re-evaluate our relaionship and the changes she is going through, and given her changes she is more than welcome to come and tell me that she would like to try and re-establish a realionship with me, but i can't or won't guarantee I will still want to.
This is great. I hope for you that you sounded very confident when you said this. And never ever repeat it. She got the message.
Simply continue to treat her like you would treat a friend. I am almost certain that based on her reaction there are lots of doubts in her mind. So keep up the good work.
AN
M43 W45, M17 S9 D6 Bomb: 11/11/08 EA: 10/26-12/31/08 ? Retrouvaille: 2/13-2/15/09 Healed, but still heading for D My situation
This morning she was having yet another bad morning and her complaints and tone were getting old. She told me that two of her employees were out sick so she complained for quite some time about that.
I told her to keep her chin up and then moved on, she is pretty much a 'Debbie the Downer" most of the time, it's quite old.
I screwed up then because I am tired of hearing her complain about her buisness and the work she has to do given i am unemployed.
So I responded with, your day and outlook are what you make of it.
I am having a hard time with her negative attitude.
You do sound better!!!! Hang in there. You are doing great!!!
I totally agree with Puppy on the legal consultation. I did that twice and learned from it both times. The attorney will likely charge you a fee, but they will tell you the process; how to protect yourself and your kids; and what you are entitled to in the way of assets, child support, etc. When I went the first time (2 years ago), I was no where near ready to file for D. But, the information she gave me left me feeling quite empowered. I was able to really see where I'd be without him in my life, and it was not nearly as bad as I had feared it would be. So, do that as soon as you can.
Do your best to ignore the negative attitude. Things for her aren't going like she had hoped they would...she hoped you would pick up and move out! She's bound to be slightly irritated! Just do you best to ignore negative comments. And, remember to act as if your life it moving along just fine...PMA!!!
There's no quick way out of this, so, take care of you so you maintain the energy to take care of the boys!
BTW, my boys are 7 and 3 and have adjusted (with only a few issues) to the separation fairly well thus far. They definitely take their cues from me, so, keep your chin up when they are around. That was hard for me at first, and I started to notice that my oldest was really working hard to protect me from anything that might make me sad...like he fussed at his little brother for misbehaving saying things like, "Don't upset mom." That was a wake up call for me...he's much to young to take care of me! So, I picked up and made huge strides in being positive around them about everything including the separation. And, that made a huge difference. He's back to being a 7-year old boy...and, some days, like yesterday, that's trying for a mom!!!
I'm rooting for you!
Love to you and your boys. Amy
Me 39 H 36 S 7 S 4 T 15 M 12 H out 8/1/08 OW confirmed 8/6/08 D final on 6/12/09...I'm doing good!
It's so hard to know what to do. How to feel. What to say. How to act.
Like all of you, I thankfully do have moments where my 'act as if' attitude is for real. It's odd though, I don't know where the source of those happy memnets is coming from yet, I feel a little looney.
I just want a happy ending so bad. I just want to keep my family intact.
>>she now wants a devorce based on my decision to stay in the house.<<
That's a threat she's using to try and get you out of the house. If she wants to D you she will do it regardless of where you live so I'd ignore that one. Also, if she wants to D you she'll hang onto any excuse... like she divorced you because you wouldn't move, or she decided to file because you did move. It's just rhetoric. She'll do what she wants. Don't let her manipulate you into doing something you don't want to do.
Just put the kids first, you second and her last....
Like everyone else here I think you handled this well. I know you want to keep your family intact. I want that too, but you need to prepare for a happy ending with or WITHOUT her.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
thanks Amy and root, Keep it coming, i just can't get ecough good insight and sound advice.
Any female input and outlook in my sitch is greatly appreciated as well.
So yesterday when the wife got home from work she vented about work drama with me for quite a while. I just listened and essentially said that's a lot to deal with.
Overall when we talk just about everyday stuff and the kids we get along and things are smooth. This just confuses me though because she sees the changes in me, we get along and yet she says she just doesn't want to be in a relationship anymore.
It's killin me!
Later in the evening we get the kids to bed and we watched Lost together. Then went to bed, where she has been using a big pillow to separate us. You see i am 6ft. 5in. and we have a california king bed. So I think she would just rather kick me out of the bed but she knows how much I love our temperpedic so she just separates us. Also very sucky and hard to deal with!
Often times my wife is real busy with work and can't get stuff done.
One of my 180s has been to say to her if you need me to do anything or if you need some help let me know. You see one of our relationship issues, for me, was that i always got a subtle feeling as though she took advantage. Where for a small example if we were both sitting on the couch and she wanted the light off she would ask me instead of just getting up and doing it herself. Now i know it sounds triviial and it is, but it was like that for everything.
So do I ask her if she needs anything as my 180 or is this in some way my way of persuit or whatever?
I think you extend common courtesies -- no more, no less. Do them because they are THE RIGHT THING TO DO, NOT because you're looking for any sort of reaction out of her.
If, as you say, you always did the little courtesies before -- to a fault -- then I would be very, very conservative with them now.
