Stress, WAW and life in general II

[mindfull]

AJ - You're doing TERRIFIC!!!

I like the part about the race, and the woman... Haha! It's not funny, but sure gave me a chuckle!

Do you really think she's ready for a weekend away? (Admire the effort, but wonder about her emotional readiness... Maybe a little more time to get comfortable with her own attempts to make things right...)

Be good! Be strong! Keep being an awesome example to your kids!

(Can you come to the Midwest to handle a soccer coach, now?)

[AJM]

Funny you should mention that. I had the same exact concern. I spoke to the pastor about it actually. His suggestion was that we go at her pace. As if we have a choice, right?

It was peculiarly funny (her reaction to Katie), but I know I have to be careful to allow her to connect without feeling threatened or like she needs to retaliate for something; she's on a hair trigger from what I can see. It's much more difficult only because I'm so tired. I need to recharge and I'm having a hard time doing that.

What I learned in the beginning is that as she changes, it unbalances me. We're dancing. On a teeter-totter. As one moves, so does the other whether or not they would like to. Can be uncomfortable. I learned it, but I did not internalize that until much more recently.

I was reading a book last night that made an interesting comment. It said that in long term relationships, people "go away" sometimes. Take a vacation so to speak. I'm trying to look at this situation that way. That my WAS has taken a vacation from life and life with me for a while. She's not come back yet, but seems to be sending correspondence; opening the communication channels again. Or at least cautiously trying.

I was thinking about it this morning. I realize I need to allow and even at some point encourage that communication. I'm not overly encouraging right now, because I also remember that I was told to not grab hold as she came near. I agree with that. If she doesn't want to stay, I have to allow for that as well. I cannot make her stay just as she cannot make me stay. I also have to allow for her to come close and then go far as this process continues.

That same book suggested repairing rifts between people in a relationship. Some of the ways I've adopted from that thought(somebody has to lead right?) is to do at least one little nice thing a week for her. I'm not buying "things" i.e. flowers etc for the most part. I likely will sooner or later, but just doing one nice thing specifically for her. Last night I got up and peeled an orange for her for her snack today. I know she's going to lunch today, so no need to pack a lunch, but still gotta have a snack right? Not a big thing. Not something to make her feel uncomfortable and like she should return a favor. Just a small way of showing I was thinking of her and that I wanted to do something nice for her. That I still care for her.

Anyway, she's not back per se. But definitely good to see herself and laughing again (at least a real laugh and a real one around me.)

My instinct says she's trying to move very quickly; she's not a very patient person. I'm concerned at the pace, and realize what a risk it is. I realize I have nothing to lose as well. I realize she's trying to reconnect in the most cautious of ways. If I rush it (I was tempted to see if we could go away for longer and thought better of it) she's going to feel like she is not in control and would likely lose confidence and that secure feeling she seems to get by feeling she's in control. Therefore, I'll let her be in control.

She seems to need to feel in control. I have nothing to lose. She's already gone (emotionally and in another room - what I refer to as her cave.)

I don't hurt as much as I used to. In fact, I hurt a lot less and have hurt a less and less over the last few weeks - since the blow up about the card etc. I am still sad for her, but I feel like clouds have moved away from me. Not because she's coming closer, but I think because I see her healing. I wasn't aware I was holding my breath for that long. Not consciously anyway but blue must be my color.

This morning I had a note which may have been in response to the note I left for her to get the orange from the fridge. She also got me a gift for St P's day. A bag of candy (small, not much of a committment right? - cautious She got the kids similar bags. Nice thought I think. She left the note and signed it with a "heart me" signature. That's new. Looked like it was scribbled with mixed emotions although I'm not a handwriting analyst ;0) Nice, but not as legible as she did for the kids notes. Again - cautious but advancing. Interesting. Got my attention but that was this morning. Today may be different although I'll enjoy the moment anyway.

We'll see. I'm watchful. She's got some of my attention for now. We'll see.

We go back to MC on Friday. Might be interesting to hear what she has to say.

AJ

[Thinker]

Hi AJ,

Just started following your thread. Seems to have a lot in common with my sitch. I really identify with your fears about growing and healing in different directions, and struggle with how far to detach and how to stay supportive for a W who needs both support and space to heal.

I understand exactly what you are saying when you talk about needing space and time to heal yourself. I am trying to find the time to do just that.

Good luck and keep up the good work.

[mindfull]

AJ:

I think this site has given you a chance to really think through what is happening (by journaling). Do you often go back and read through what you have written? I think you'd find it enlightening to see how far you've come.

I'm proud of you.

[StrgMarvelousWmn]

AJ--

I agree with MB. I have gone back to look at my early threads and it is mindboggling the changes I have made. Heck, just in the threads that were in December I have come a long way! It makes you feel better about what you can accomplish with the right focus and mindset.

Living God's blessings with grace and dignity~
SMW

[AJM]

Thank you both for that thought. To be honest, I have not yet. I re-read some of my paper journals.

I've been very tired and enjoying not having to live the egg-shell dance every moment.

Today we seem to be back to playing the game. It bothered me for a few minutes, so I think I must have let myself get too hopeful. This is just new territory, so I'm readjusting as we schlep along.

This may be a good time to revisit those old posts. Thanks for the suggestions. Time to stop slacking again...

AJ

[AJM]

Update:
And the ride continues....

W was in a real mood yesterday not long after coming home. Started asking about her day. She was talkative while making dinner. A few minutes into it, asks me about mine. I started telling her but noticed she was fading from the conversation. She started getting testy. I think she's stressing over her time and having to do school work. I suspect she got distracted by the school work.

During the day yesterday I txt'd her (was testing the waters) and told her I was thinking of her and hoped she was having an awesome day. I was trying not to be so far gone that it seemed I wasn't interested. She replied with "thx, r u?" I figured I'd joke about and said yes, I am thinking of you and having an awesome day. No response. Hmm....

We still seem to be in that hot and cold cycle. I found myself getting pissed off about it, then depressed, then back to angry. I woke up at 0300 this morning and the thought in my head is that I will NOT tolerate that emotional monster again. I'll get rid of that monster before that happens.

I'm getting better perspective now. I think, looking back, that the letter and st paddy present was about as much as she can do for right now. Emotionally.

Ok.

I'll take it one day at a time. I won't see much of her for the remainder of the weekend/week. Tomorrow is MC session, but after that we go in different directions while she studies and I take care of the kids. Saturday is a party for daughter and a friend of ours down the street. I may have to see her then too

I went back and started reading some old posts. We've made progress. That's certain. We're no longer hearing the "You stole 11 years of my life". Or "You were perfect except for this one little - big thing!!" I grabbed this from one of the threads:

I am backing off. Going silent. The MC suggested we need to slow things down. That's the last thing I'd like to do, but I can see the wisdom. So I'm going mostly dark. Having some trouble slipping back into that, but will work harder today.

I was told the war I see are within her and not against me. I was told that neither of us are malicious towards the other. That we have a strong marriage and relationship to draw from. Those are the positives. The negatives are that this is complex. Her mind is complex. She is warring with herself and I have to be much more patient. I don't want to be patient. <there, I said it>. I will be patient though. For her. For us.

Hmm... I have to gain more perspective, but I feel myself continuing to get colder myself. I recognize that it's a crisis that she's going through. I feel for her. But I don't know that I can continue to function like this.

I'm struggling for that perspective this morning. I'm working on it. I'm going to drop off this board for a little while so I can hopefully find that perspective a little quicker.

I'll catch you guys later. Maybe tomorrow or the weekend so I can update you on the MC session.

AJ

[kassie]

Found your thread. Thought I posted but don't see it so I post again.

I think we all meet that "0300 emotional monster" here. Do you work out? take walks? it will help with the sleeping.

Are you cold or DA? Sometimes people think they are the same. DA allows your W to be herself and you to be yourself without colliding. You have an opinion but keep it to yourself or better yet just let go of it. "Cold" would imply that you don't care what she is going through. I don't think I read that.

And perspective is something very important. The thing about perspective is this: it changes all the time and every person has a different one. It is neither good nor bad. But when dealing with a couple or a family, some clash and those are the ones that we have to modify in some way.

I usually suggest that people refer to the DR book and the M map to get a perspective on where they are in the M and how this crisis fits into it. Then you know what to do and a direction for making changes and knowing what to expect next.

Hope your MC goes well and is helpful. Hope you regain your perspective,and tame that monster.

[mindfull]

AJ - How was counseling? How was the weekend?

HOPE ALL IS WELL!!!

[AJM]

Update:
MC session was interesting. It was time to pick on me day. Some great feedback and more things I did not know she thought. She essentially feels like I wasn't listening to her and that I was trying to be controlling. I let her know that I was not trying to be controlling but was looking for that common ground. She didn't take it that way, but I am not a puppet on a string. MC made it a point to let me know a) that her efforts show great committment to make this work, b) she was doing all she could given her burden and c) I should be quiet and not defend.

Ok. It was hard to not defend. Even now I'm struggling with it.

When we got home, W wanted to discuss R with me. <sigh> She was telling me that some days she wants to run over and put her arms around me while at other times she wants to leave the house and relationship. She made it a point to tell me that "if we're still together in the summer..." and stuff like that. I reminded her that I am madly in love with her and have been since the day we met. She told me that sometimes she isn't sure how to come back. I asked if I could help with that. She said no.

I sensed that she wants to come back, but isn't quite sure of that or if I want her to come back. Or if I do want her to come back, will things go back to the way they were. I can say an emphatic no to that last

I told her that what was happening had been a breakdown in communication. Recognizing that last year, we were taking steps to work on that and better understand how to make our R work when the nephew killed himself.

I think that the friends that were/are flirting with her and her being around 20-something year olds is not helping her boost her self-esteem. She thinks that the marriage problems are weighing her down. She seems to have an inkling that her version of things don't add up, similar to how I don't see things the same way and don't have all the answers. Still very offensive when she gets a chance, but when she was relating this, I walked over to her, helped her up and gave her a big passionate kiss. She kissed back for a while and then pulled back. At the end of the conversation she let me know that people tell her what a great catch she is and that I have to go make dinner. I suggested she should ask me to make dinner. She didn't want to back down on that, so we joked about it a bit. (power struggle really) but she did say she would ask for one thing - another kiss. That was a long lasting kiss.

Anyway, lots of mixed messages, but she has been noticibly trying to be present ane at least civil. She's obviously dealing with stress (jumped all over my kids yesterday). She snapped at me for part of the dinner time. I just smiled and left the room. She eventually calmed down a bit and tried to stay up and watch television with me for a while until the kids went to bed and she got a phone call. She then came back out and said goodnight.

Saturday night she was very stand-offish. Snappy. Didn't want to hardly talk to me. She did, but not a lot. I think she's trying to figure out if she can handle the conversation/contact.

I see this as progress, but way away from being out of the woods. I think she still needs to figure out what she wants and if she's able to love herself let alone somebody else. Me included.

Not much contact this week expected. I'll be hanging out with the kids tonight through the weekend mostly. We go away on Sunday. She said it took her a week from asking if I'll go to talking to me about it. Not sure what she's nervous about, but I think it's partly the fear that things won't work out, as much as the fear that things might work out. I think she may also be nervous about how I am feeling about how she's been treating me. I suspect that because she brought it up in MC - she said that no matter how much of a monster she's been to me in the past six months, she lived with me for years like that. Hmm... I think she's starting to come back and wants to say, "look, you treated me badly first, so now we're even." I may be reading into it.

Anyway, we'll see. I'm definitely DA vs. Cold. I can feel too much. She awakened some feelings I hadn't felt in a while and it's taken me a few days to get my sea legs back.

The 0300 monster? 0230 this morning, but we're getting to be much friendlier. I have been working out and it helps. Both physically and emotionally as well as ego-wise. People have been complimenting me on the new me. No yoga classes for me though - that could be trouble...

We'll see what happens. We go away on Sunday and come back Monday. On Tuesday we see the MC again. I'm along for the ride for a while.



AJ