I've seen this same role reversal with women whose husband's own their own business. The recommendation in this case is to definitely consult with a lawyer so you can be fully prepared (but do not tell her and hide any paperwork or information about this!!!). At this point you do have to assume your wife could file and may do so.
Learn what you will need to do. Also, I don't know what your training or education is, but you will need to begin thinking about going back into a career or getting more education to enter back in the workforce. This will help your PMA tremendously. It will help you feel more confident, and will really help boost your self-esteem. Since you are financially dependent on her, it's time to start thinking about how you can eventually become financially independent or employable the moment you need to be. I realize this is difficult in this economy, but there are opportunities and this should become part of your GALing. You shouldn't put this off.
I think you have a lot of work to do on yourself before you are in any position to rebuild or save your marriage. My opinion is you need to seriously detach and work on you. Based on things you've written, I think if your wife miraculously changed her mind tomorrow and wanted to stay in the marriage there is still A LOT of work you would need to do within yourself to make it work. You need to pull out of the drama with her and work on YOU.
You are wasting time and effort worrying about what she's going to do. Just start preparing to have a great existence with or without her.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Now I am starting to just feel angry and bitter, what does it mean?
Is this the next phase or what?
Just part of the roller coaster ride. But it's best to try and lose that anger and bitterness if possible because the only person you hurt is yourself. If possible go see a therapist or join a men's group where you can talk some of that out.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
How do I detach and not have that come across to her in a negative way?
Any hints on the work i need to do within myself?, don't hold back.
Right now your attachment is more negative to her then your detachment. Avoid any R talk. Avoid talk about the M. Just give lots of space and try to be positive when you are around her. If interactions are difficult, try to give physical space as well. Be busy!!!
Do you have any hobbies? Can you sign up for a class? Look for a church group to join (even if you don't normally go to church, start!), what type of work did you do? Start networking in your previous field or another you'd like to work in, look for inexpensive classes to rehone skills or learn new ones, start running every day or take long walks, make plans with friends (you will need this!), etc...
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
In my daily life I like to be open and friendly with people, it makes me feel good, so do I approach her in the same manner?
Do I ask her how her day was when she comes home?
If I am anything I am truly genuine and she knows this. She also knows that when I truly own something about myself, like the changes I have made, ie. 180, she knows that's all i am focused on.
So now I am truly just coming from a loving and compassionate place with all the people I come across.
So I feel myself detaching, but don't know what that means when I interact with her. Do I just be my compassionate loving self, but detached like I am talking to someone at the bank or grocery store?
Do I just be my compassionate loving self, but detached like I am talking to someone at the bank or grocery store?
I personally would never recommend anyone be mean or snotty, but this is someone who just wants YOU away. You need to create emotional distance. I know it's very difficult when you live together and this is part of your personality. But you need to treat her like someone you might talk with on the street. No more, no less...
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Since I told her that i refused to move out or be kicked out she decided that she agreed.
The thing is though that she now wants a devorce based on my decision to stay in the house. She said that she either wants us to separate or if i will stay in the house she wants us to divorce. In addition, she says that after I said that I refused to send the message to my sons that I am the type of man to walk out on his family she agreed that our sons need me. Dam right they do!
So the only way she can reconsile the fact that i will be in the house with the fact that she no longer wants to be in a relationship with me is for us to divirce. This makes no sense tome, but whatever I am still here in the house with my sons.
So here is where I messed up a bit, I asked her if she was totally sure that our relationship was over and she said not completely,but that's how she feels. She went on to say that when she initially dropped the bomb she was totally sure she wanted a divorce, even though she said she just wanted to separate at the time. Now that she can see that i have had an awakening and sees the changes i have made she is 98% sure.
That still sounds like she is over it to me.
So I told her that given the fact that she is done with our relationship I will be looking out for what's best for me. I told her that what is best for my sons is best for me. She said that sounds as though i am being high and mighty and implying that our sons are not in her best interest. I told her that if she were to ask anyone if when a father says that same statement they would respect it, I also said that you as their mother should be happy that is my priority. She said I a just trying to be high and mighty and make her feel bad. I said i have no control over her feelings only she is.
She asked me so what does that mean for her and I, I said that I don't know and like her I can't predict the future. I then told her my "awakening" has caused me to re-evaluate our relaionship and the changes she is going through, and given her changes she is more than welcome to come and tell me that she would like to try and re-establish a realionship with me, but i can't or won't guarantee I will still want to.
She asked me so what does that mean for her and I, I said that I don't know and like her I can't predict the future. I then told her my "awakening" has caused me to re-evaluate our relaionship and the changes she is going through, and given her changes she is more than welcome to come and tell me that she would like to try and re-establish a realionship with me, but i can't or won't guarantee I will still want to.
W.O.M.,
Despite getting dragged into some cheeseless tunnels with her, you ended this PERFECTLY.
I can very succinctly sum up everything that came before that:
Your wife is trying like crazy to make any divorce YOUR fault, and YOUR decision.
Your response needs to be "I still do not want a divorce, but I understand you must do what you feel is best." -- and no more. Get a good family law attorney (preferably one who specializes in "men's rights" and paternal custody issues), and get an initial consultation to begin to better understand what your rights, responsibilities and potential vulnerabilities are. You do not need to INITIATE ANY ACTION, nor do you need to advise your wife of what you are doing (there's a reason they put that little "v" in between the names of the parties ).
You laid out a boundary (I will not move out nor be kicked out), and she's screaming like a stuck pig that you stuck up for yourself.
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