Letting go and taking a left off last laugh lane

[saffie]

JCJ,

Why don't you try getting into mediation sessions, (which I think are free).They help you out with working out the financial plans with your ex. This was what my sister did when she and her H decided to go the 'long' waiting route to D in order to save the ££££'s. Having a mediator there really helped my sister get her H both to see reason and to deliver financial information on a more timely basis.

A L should be able to tell you how to get the mediation sessions set up or RELATE.

[MsMelancoly]

Hey ((Julia)) ~ Wow!! I can't believe him!!!! I mean, really, the least he could do is not dig a deeper hole, to pull you into. Totally agree with Ali ~ self centered b**tard!!!! I would definately confront him, although obliviously he doesn't give a sh!t, if this hurts you or not. At this moment I'm sure it would be difficult to contact him & not be totally p!ssed off!! Where's Gweedo when you need him - to knock a few heads!!

Personally, I would check out all options & go online & learn about D in your area. Just to be on the up & up. Do you think he is waiting until the 2 years as well? What's the advantage or disadvantage of telling him you want a D & are waiting for the 2 year wait? For me the relief was not when I decided to D - but when my H finally knew, I was ok with it. No more consciously trying, no more worrying about what I say or do and much less pressure. (Granted, I do monitor myself somewhat & try to use DBing). It's just the game, the match is over - next round please!

[naej]

Hi Julia, my x wanted to go the mediation route, both for us and to connect with his kids but it was not free but cheaper than solicitors.
It could well be different in other areas.
Can you look into just separating all accounts, closing joint accounts although I think you need his signature to do this.
If he has taken a loan out on a property that is jointly owned and you didn't sign anything then that is a criminal offence.

This can be a minefield and affect your credit rating,so do check.

I had a horrid experience when I bought my current house, the previous owner had used it against a loan and when it finally came to light I was the one who had to prove I actually owned the property,not vice versa. It got sorted but it gave me nightmares for ages.

My neighbours actually went for a DIY D, forms online etc. Very cheap but may not work if your situation is complicated but may be worth alook.
There are lots of sites you can get free info. Worth a look if you can't trust him to speak the truth.

Take care.

[JCJ]

(((All)))

Thank you so much for your support, I *really* appreciate it. This is such a difficult time and I have taken on board all your advice.

I have been taking lots of action this morning. I have started the process of transfering all the household bill direct debits to my personal account and have also started the process of taking my name off the joint account. I have made the decision not to close it, just remove myself, my money and my responsibilities from it then it is his to do as he likes with. It is just there will be no money in it.

I have extracated him from all access to my accounts/ credit cards etc. I know I should have done this 18 months ago but I trusted him so. I have learnt my lesson, there is no trust left now. I sound bitter but I am not, I do not hate him I am just really dissappointed that he would do this. The man I married would never take the actions that he has, he is clearly no longer that person. I will just act with dignity and excuse myself from his life. This is what he wants, he gets no benefits from me.

I will look into mediation thank you Saffie and naej for the suggestion. I hadn't thought of it, well we haven't needed it till now. I am going to be so careful from now on to protect myself. I have a meeting with a solicitor very soon.

Before mediation, I will give him one last chance to meet with me. I am very clear on what I will say to him. I am not angry, I am calm and collected.

I am going to reassess the divorce situation soon, I'm not clear whether I will wait at this stage yet or not, I just know that right now it is not the right time for me. Whichever way it happens I will give myself 6 months to get it cleared before I embark on my travels a free woman.

Sigh, how did it come to this. WTH happened to him? Alien abduction methinks!!

[MsMelancoly]

Hey ((Julia)), I think you have come up with a very good game plan!!!! HHhhmmm, wonder the look on his face, when he notices these changes. Keep being strong & ofcourse positive!!

[JCJ]

Thanks Ms M.

My sister said to me the other day in an email (pre this finance drama which no one in rl knows about yet)

"What a different the before H and after H Julia you are! You should be very proud of the way you have dealt with it, and how you have made the best of a horrible situation."

I was so touched and it brought tears to my eyes. H has not really seen much of this new me. I am so much stronger and getting wiser all the time. It is nice to see that other people are noticing too!

[AliSuddenly]

Hey Julia

Wow, you are coping well, thats good to see. I know what you mean, my sister said the same thing! She said that I handled it too with such dignity that good things are coming to me in life, its hard to believe at times, but people also tell me how different I am now, through all of this. And no, my ex doesnt see that either, sad isnt it? It is sad... I dont suppose ow is the love of his life, anymore than Helen is for my ex. Guess they are a stepping stone, sadly.

Al xxx

[mishka422]

Well done Julia. I know that disentangling yourself is painful and takes a lot of emotional effort as well as mental jumprope! You seem to be taking it all really well.

Yes, he's a different person than you married. Aren't they all? If they had stayed who we thought they were then none of this would have happened right? It's good that others are realizing how much you have grown through this time. Trauma either destroys us or builds our character and you have built yours tremendously!

[naej]

Julie, just a quick hi, so pleased with all you have done.
You make it sound so matter of fact but we all know the emotional cost.

The first steps are always the hardest but the ones that make the biggest change in us.

Be proud of who and what you are.
I am woman hear me roar.

[mishka422]

here here naej!