WAW

[markhaving probs]

Hi Saffie,
My wife does seem very stressed, in fact your situation sounds exactly like mine. She said when I asked her on a number of occasions if there was somebody else "why do men always assume there is somebody else"? She went on to say I have just fallen out of love with you. We have never sat down and discussed the future properly, we justed existed, no nights out, no surprises, nothing. It is so clear to me now when it appears to be too late.

I had a major setback last night. About one month ago I tried to hack into her cell phone account to see her on-line bills. Unfortunately I was unable to do so. She had a problem with her phone yesterday and she was told that somebody had attempted to hack into her account. She knew it was me and I could not deny it, she said all respect for me had now gone and walked out of the room. I went swimming for a couple of hours and came back. She seemed to have calmed down and we chatted about everyday things. In fact she seemed more chatty than normal which unnerved be a bit. She sent me a text this morning about the heating in the house, and there was a X (kiss) at the end of the message. I am now totally confused as it really does look all over and I guess the stress might have gone because she now knows she has made the right decision. Is she going through a MLC, she is 41 tomorrow.

What do you think

[markhaving probs]

Dr,

I appreciate your response and I will try to remain strong and focus on GAL, 180's etc. Please see my last response to Saffie as I made a serious error one month ago that has now come back to haunt me.

[markhaving probs]

Hi JCJ,
I have been busy this morning so I'm just catching up now. I unfortunately tried to hack into my wife's cell phone account to check her on-line bills about a month ago. My wife found out last night, I could not deny it was me and she said ALL respect for me has now gone. All the baby-steps I may have been making since December 08 have now been completely blown away. I do not know what to do now as I have completely blown my chances I think. I went swimming for 2 hours, came back and she seemed calm, even friendly. This has unnerved me abit as I am now wondering if she has now decided she has made the right decision and there will no more stress for her to have to worry about.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Hi Saffie,
My wife does seem very stressed, in fact your situation sounds exactly like mine. She said when I asked her on a number of occasions if there was somebody else "why do men always assume there is somebody else"?

Because there almost always is.

I suspect that had you been successful in seeing her calls and text messages, they would have confirmed at LEAST something very inappropriate going on.

Puppy

[markhaving probs]

J,
going dark for me would be abit of both. I get the impression my wife would not worry one little bit I was not there. I think she wants me out of the house so that she can experience what life is all about. Single (with children) and not missing me at all. The reason I say this is because of her anger and complete coldness to me, there is no compassion or feeling toward me at all. Please help.

[markhaving probs]

Guys,
What does LBS stand for?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Left-Behind Spouse.

[markhaving probs]

Thanks Puppy,
given my circumstances, would it benefit me going dark or grey (because of the children)when I leave for 3 months? How should I play it particularly after last night's incident!

[JCJ]

Hi Mark

LBS stands for Left Behind Spouse.

Ok, so the hacking into her phone bills isn't great now, but totally understandable. I would have done the same!! While I don't really think snooping is good for you in the long run once you 'know', when the opportunity is there it is very tempting. Don't look at one incident as having such a big impact. So she was angry about this, what is she going to do? Threaten divorce?... How do you know your baby steps have all been blown away? Stop assuming. This means you interpret her actions according to your feelings. Most of the time these feelings and interpretations are wrong. For example is she *really* being cold or are you interpreting an action as being cold when it could be innocent. Really think about the particular situation. Post it here for objective advice if you want to.

On the going dark thing... leave behind your needs i.e. - the need you have to see her/ have contact etc. and try and be objective. Is 'going dark' doing something different? Also, going dark is different to stopping pursuing - two different kettles of fish! What would be some 180s you could implement? List some past behaviours and work out how you could do a 180. When she sent you the text about the heating, what was your answer? We can help you with phrasing etc if it was clingy etc. Lastly, your wife may think that now that she wants the single life, she may do you don't know but often reality is very different when it actually happens.

[markhaving probs]

Hi J,

Thanks for responding, I hope you are well. Thanks for the insight, it does make me think more. The 180's I've implemented are the usual really, helping more around the house, spending more time with the children, also as our house project is not finished, she expects ne NOT to finish it because as she has said before "well, you don't care about the house anymore, so why should you do anything"? This is AFTER me continuing to do carpentry, painting etc without me asking for any praise or thanks. She will not encourage me or anything, so I'm wondering whether her comment is to goad me into doing the work, or the fact I am doing it which is making her angry. Most of my friends say I'm mad to do the work and you are only pandering to her wishes as she has got me wrapped around her little finger. I say I'm doing t for the children, though if I'm honest I am doing it for her as this would be a 180 for me as I have never really done any DIY in the past, I am confused about this.

I responded to the heating by saying 'I will look at it when I get home. X' I responded pretty quickly, though I am wondering about the timing of the response and the text itself.

I hope you are right about the 'single' life advice. Going dark for me might be construed as 'doing some of the same' as she cites neglect to her needs on the divorce petition which she told me on Monday will arrive this week. I said "OK, good", though I was reallycut up inside. I would have approximately 3 months to try and change thing in which time she will be having 2 summer holidays with the children at my parents-in-laws villa in Greece. She will not really have much time to think about things because she will be with her family and my children at the family villa in Corfu, while I will be at home.

I really do sound like a victim here and pretty weak, though not in front of her, but I am having trouble trying to stay in the present.