You gave a good fight, you should have no regrets, you did the best you could and saddly it wasnt enough.
I know you have the need to go back and revisit what has happened, but I doubt it you will find reasons and answers to your questions. But, you will know when to stop. I honestly feel that no matter what anyone tells you, your timeline is to be respected.
One thought that may help is that you have been living alone and doing good for so long. You dont need him. Lately he caused you more stress when he was around than joy. You, youself were wondering how things could continue like that.
Try and stay to today and find little things that give you pleasure. If you read on this board you will see people in situations that sound like nightmares. Violence, abuse, drugs, alcohol, money issues, babies, young kids involved and most of them, if not all, make it through. You will be fine too and you will be better than fine. Take your time, day by day, it gets easier I hear... K
