stella: dancing in limbo

[stella_k]

oh, I don't know, Kalni, may be you're right...

I didn't expect it to be that painful, after all these months.

You see, I've never lost hope, not entirely, I kept believing that H still loves me, that he will eventually realise that Spider is not what he needs in his life. What happened yesterday was the opposite - he finally managed to convince me that his love is gone for good and has been gone for 10 years at least and Spider is what he wants and whom he chose to be with. He said he loved his love for me and not me. After watching him suffering so by my side and not knowing what to do with himself, I understand that he was telling the truth, it's not just MLC speaking.

I don't want to spend the rest of my life in denial. I believed him. Now he has taken into consideration what I've told him about not letting me go and keeping me chained to him and decided (finally!) to change the way he communicates with me. Today I found extremely short and dry message left for me, totally business like, about some money issues. He has NEVER written to me like that. That's what I wanted and asked for, I know, still hurts like h!ll.

I find so many faults now with my DBing and I'm trying not to let myself think that I blew it because I never learned how to let go and kept applying pressure when I should have kept still. My inner voice never did its job properly or may be I just kept ignoring it. Seems like everything I have done backfired.

I cannot blame myself for H leaving this time but I'm certain that I pressured him to come home when he wasn't ready (if he was ever going to be ready) and possibly lost my only chance.

A friend of mine compared our love to well, filled with marvelous water. A couple is sitting by the well, enjoying the taste of water. Suddenly the water is gone. The two keep sitting there, waiting for water to return, suffering from extreme thirst, until one of them finally gets up and goes away in search of a new well. The other one remains there, mourning the loss of water and his companion. Then, after a while, he (she) gets up too and leaves.

Today I'm still sitting there, by the empty well, grieving.

Time to go, I know.

Thanks for listening.