I'm trying to be all business and busy but I worry about making a mistake in DBing...which I know I should not worry as she made a huge mistake in our M. I also know that DBing is for me and I think I'm doing fairly well, just a few backslides and have been exercising and GALing lots I still love W so much as she does have good qualities just made some bad decisions the last 6 months in her fog. I'm glad and thankful there are people on this board who keep LBSs in check and I'm reading lots of peoples threads for more inspiration and ideas.
Me-44 WAW-42 (ILYBNILWY) S-16 S-14 M-10/17/1992 T23 Met OM 10/10/08; Bomb 12/27/08; Moved in with OM 01/27/09 Me stronger and happier everyday!
Ah, I just talked with W about some kid stuff and when I went to say good-bye I included ILY and she said it back. Then I said sorry didn't mean to say that (I haven't since she moved out) she chuckled and said it was OK. It just came out, cause it was an old habit we used to make sure every time we talked we ended the conversation with ILY. Hope I didn't screw up too much....Now going to walk to my brother's house for dinner.
Me-44 WAW-42 (ILYBNILWY) S-16 S-14 M-10/17/1992 T23 Met OM 10/10/08; Bomb 12/27/08; Moved in with OM 01/27/09 Me stronger and happier everyday!
Backslides happen. The ILY is definitely one to avoid, but I freely gave compliments said nice things and verbally thanked my H for kind actions on his part during the D.
Although I did say nice things to my H, it was NOT in a pursuing manner. For one, I figured by being "nice" he might be more generous during the D, and also there would be less fighting which would be healthier for the kids. For me, the important thing was emotionally detaching so that I never expected anything back from him. I could be nice, but still entirely "let go." No reponse could hurt me (I didn't care what he thought or said about me), I was too busy creating a new life for me.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
I agree, as I'm trying to be nice to W while I'm detaching and being a role model for the kids. I will remember to not say ILY even if was a habit. I'm getting to the place where I don't expect anything in return from W so it won't hurt me. Yes, my GAL is helping tremendously and baseball for my S15 starts this Saturday
Also, S15 asked if he can help me bake chocolate chip cookies tomorrow night as he needs to translate the steps into Spanish for a class project!! I told him it will be a lot of fun, he has not helped me in a long time.
Last edited by ppenton; 03/19/0902:03 AM.
Me-44 WAW-42 (ILYBNILWY) S-16 S-14 M-10/17/1992 T23 Met OM 10/10/08; Bomb 12/27/08; Moved in with OM 01/27/09 Me stronger and happier everyday!
This morning W texted me a questions about S13 which I answered then she responded with "Ok, did you have a nice time at your brother's last night?" (I go there on Wed's for dinner so W can come to the house and eat with the kids). I was not sure how to respond or if I should, so I responded by ignoring that question and telling her something about S15 and she responed back with "ok". I was not sure what to do as I am trying to keep this busiess related.
Me-44 WAW-42 (ILYBNILWY) S-16 S-14 M-10/17/1992 T23 Met OM 10/10/08; Bomb 12/27/08; Moved in with OM 01/27/09 Me stronger and happier everyday!
I do not think there is anything wrong with being friendly and open. I personally don't think there is anything wrong with answering texts (doesn't have to be timely) or questions posed to you. You don't want to come on too strong, but you also don't want to be just a monosyllabic ogre either. Give her glimpses of what she might be missing out on. You could say, "it was great! We had a good time." You are worried too much about what impact every little thing you say or do has on your wife. How about trying to be yourself a bit more (minus the ILY and pursuing). If she eventually wants the person you are, she'll let you know, but I don't think you'd want her coming back for the person you are not.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
I agree I'd rather be friendly as that is who I AM, so thanks for your input. As you mentioned, I just need to continue to be myself without pursuing which I'm working very hard on.
Me-44 WAW-42 (ILYBNILWY) S-16 S-14 M-10/17/1992 T23 Met OM 10/10/08; Bomb 12/27/08; Moved in with OM 01/27/09 Me stronger and happier everyday!
Had a good night as S15 and I baked chocolate chip cookies for his Spanish class project!! We got to talk and he remembers helping me when he was younger and how he would fill up "his" bowl with flour and sugar and chips. When I get time with the kids like this I feel sorry for W as she is missing out on so much by not being here as much. Oh well, that's her issue not mine as I'm enjoying the kids everyday
Me-44 WAW-42 (ILYBNILWY) S-16 S-14 M-10/17/1992 T23 Met OM 10/10/08; Bomb 12/27/08; Moved in with OM 01/27/09 Me stronger and happier everyday!
Oh gosh!!! If I lived with you I'd be 200 pounds!!! Chocolate Chip Cookies are a huge weakness for me. That and See's Candy!!!
It sounds like you are building good memories with the kids. When you are older this is something you will never regret. I know older adults who deeply regret losing this time. Eventually, when it's long gone, they realize what they lost. And that regret can be one of the most painful things in their life.
But they cannot feel it or imagine it until it's long gone. You are luckier in this then many, and you realize this.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
