Oops!!.......I think I've dropped the rope!!

[Silent Chrleader]

I swear, just when I think I am getting a hold on things, life throws in another curve ball!

H called me today to let me know that he got an e-mail with copies of stuff off S17's my space page. S17 appears to still be going further down the road toward substance abuse and other stuff. He was doing a lot of talk about drinking, and how great his party was (the one where our house was trashed and about $10k of stuff was stolen). Of course I had to ask who sent H the e-mail (although I already knew). It was from the "ex" OW (i.e. H's ex secretary). She apparently is still on S17's "friends" list (and he probably forgot she was there). So, H says she e-mailed him out of concern for S17.

H had C with S17 already planned today, so he talked to C about it and we have decided that S17 is going to enroll in "off campus" school (i.e. home school through the district), and S17 is going to where H works every day to work on it under the supervision of H and "his crew". S17 will get up and leave with me in the morning and come back with me on the ferry at night. We are going to do this for 6 months, and assuming he does OK and proves his commitment to make changes in his life and earn back our trust, in September he will enroll back in the high school to finish up his diploma. I had actually suggested this option before, but H wasn't agreeable to it at the time. But now H seems to really be trying to do his best to step up to the plate.......but the truth is, S17 has to do it. We can't do it for him. We are really into the tough love mode now, and we are both very worried for our son.

H did not want to tell S17 about the OW having access to his my space, because he doesn't want to lose that conduit to this "inside information", because S17 has proven that he is very prolific liar. But, we would have liked to confront him with what we knew too. Well, when I got home tonight, I found that S17 had left his my space up on our computer, so I called H and told him this. So, when H brought S17 home, we confronted him with the info on the my space, and I got to play the "bad guy" that invaded his privacy. That was a very hard pill to swallow to loose some of my son's trust, in order to maintain the ability for the OW to have access to his page, but I felt like I had to. My son is on a road leading to a very bad place, and we feel that if we can't wake him up soon........well, I don't want to think about it.

After our talk with S17, I spoke briefly with H on the porch. I got teary and he told me I had to maintain strength in front of S17. I know this. I asked him where he thought we went so wrong with our kids. He just shook his head. I said I wished I could turn my feelings off like he seems to be able to. He said he couldn't turn off his feeling for S17 at all, so I said that I wish I could "fake it" as well as he does. He told me that he loved S and felt like this may be our last chance to "save" our son, and he had tears in his eyes. I told him that I really appreciated the effort he was now putting into S and I thought that it was important to S even if he didn't show it. I then asked if I could have a hug and he said "You always want hugs!", but he gave me one anyway.

I know I back-slid in asking where H got the e-mail, and then scoffing at the idea that she sent it to H "out of the goodness of her altruistic heart"..... And another backslide in the asking for a hug......but right now, I don't really care all that much. I am not looking win my H back. I just want my son to be OK.

And, on the silver lining side of things, my D24 got her school grants! So, she is now enrolled in the local community college to get her pre-requisites in nursing!! Who knows? Maybe I will have her in one of my classes if I continue in that direction too. And she still has her job!! WooHoo!! I told H about this too. He is pleased for her, but it's so sad that he really has no connection emotionally with her any more. D24 won't even speak to him and blames him for all the worlds wrongs! And H has just washed his hands of her. {I think because he feels like a failure with her because he never understood her}.

J still hasn't called. I don't know what to think of that. He said really wonderful touching things in his e-mails a few weeks ago, and last week in our phone conversation, but then.....nothing!! Very strange, and I admit it hurts. He made me feel some things that I hadn't felt in a very long time (even before my H left). And it felt very good! But, then to just drop off the face of the earth......Well, lets just say that I'm feeling pretty darned unappreciated right now........

So......if my pattern holds true, I'm due for another upswing on this rollercoaster ride called "Life".......maybe tomorrow I'll find that I've won the lottery!!!.......Oh, but I think I would have to actually play the lotter to win it.....