WAW - Very confused and devestated - pt 5

[confusedinpa]

You just summed it up in your first sentence. "She said that was so selfish of me". Oh please. And her asking for divorce is not her being selfish to you?

After you tell her that she should leave since you obviously bring her so much unhappiness, tell her that all you're doing is giving her what SHE wants. She has nothing to get mad at. She doesn't want the house, she doesn't want you. She doesn't want the M. So what's the big deal? You're giving her everything she asked for.

I would recommend something drastic like that. She will get mad, but again, she can't blame you because once she sits and thinks about it, it is what she said she wants.

When it gets to that point, you tell her that there's only so many put downs you are going to stand their and take from her (which is true) and that you have been nothing but kind and compassionate to her.

If she refuses to leave, then you need to set a firm boundary and tell her that she must respect you and YOUR boundaries. That you will not be constantly blamed for things you did in the past and that she should look inwards and see how much she hates herself and what has happened in her past (such as her father). Say that she cannot threaten you anymore about C or anything else as you will not be 'controlled' by her any more. She will deny that she has been, but tell her she has.

If she expects you to respect her wishes, then she must respect yours. I think its time to step it up a notch so that she starts respecting you again. And that's what it comes down to. RESPECT.

She can't keep getting mad at you and expect you not to have any feelings. You're human and its about time she treated you as such. Our WAWs enjoy belittling us or seeing us as less than human so that it's much easier for them to leave and they feel better about themselves. Show her your 'man' side. Or rather, the new man you are. The one who is compassionate and listens to her needs, yet will not tolerate being stepped on and will not compromise on his convictions and beliefs.

Stuck,

That's a pretty radical direction with that one. I'm curious what kind of results people have gotten or their thoughts with that approach

Part of me really likes it and wants to wake her up right now to hit her with it. The other part of me is scared to death.

The approach I started at the last session, and for the following sessions had been to get her to talk about the positive changes that's she's seen. This would be a big swing from that approach. What do you think about bringing it up at the next counseling session?