Still here......

[ppenton]

I would say if he is willing to cheat on you, he is will to lie about the finances, get a lawyer and fast cause more than likely you will be responsible for some of his debt.

[Belle]

more than likely you will be responsible for some of his debt.

According to the judge or according to H?

I'm more worried about the judge.....

I know everyone probably thinks I am naive....

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Belle, what's new? How are you doing?

Puppy

[Belle]

Hi Puppy, thanks for checking on me.

Nothing much is new.

Have not talked to H since the day of my exam (the 12th) when he called to congratulate. He did call once since then, but I didn't answer and he didn't leave a message.

I've been busy doing stuff - went to dinner/play last night with some women from my Divorce Care class. That was fun - it was the first time I've done something social in this town without my H. I know that seems really sad but I haven't met any friends here and it's really hard for me to meet friends. At my work, I am a supervisor and so that's really hard to be social with people that you supervise.....

It feels really good to be able to do whatever I want!!! (no studying)

I am feeling stronger by the day. I've wavered back and forth from thinking my H is such a scumbag, he is still with OW, to believeing that God can do anything and having hope for the future.

It is kind of a roller coaster but I am feeling strong.

Will keep you posted if anything new happens.

[Silver Fox]

Hi Belle,

Thanks for posting on my thread. I'm growing anxious as there's just one week left until mediation but I'm meeting with my L tomorrow to prepare for it. Which brings me to this:

Our sitch is that we bought this house together, but I have been paying everything on my own. He told me it's basically my house b/c most of the money for the down payment was originally mine. (He's broke like no joke).
I know you want to trust your H but remember, "believe nothing that he says". Being broke will make him desperate - and he will be looking at that house with different eyes.

He's been paying for his illicit affair enabling apartment. He's also been racking up thousands and thousands of dollars of debt as he has been taking out school loans. (I would say $20,000 since he moved out, probably more.)
My H is doing the same thing. Has your H filed for D? Once he does, any debt he incurs will be his alone BUT it's considered joint marital debt if no one has filed. Also, he may be using your combined incomes to get those loans - so you would be responsible too.

Friends have been worried that I will be responsible for his school loans. I attempted to look on the internet for IA's laws, but this stuff is like Greek to me.
See above.

Anyway, I'm worried that filing together is a statement that our finances are still together - they aren't.
But you're still married so filing jointly is not a problem. I think this is the least of your concerns!

And part of me wants to tell him to shove the taxes up his A$$, as he asked if we could file jointly and if I could do them. (Once again, proving I need to be his mother figure.)
Well, you could tell him to shove it OR have the taxes done and keep the refund for yourself.

I don't know. I know some will say to contact a lawyer, but I really don't want to do that.
I didn't either Belle and I put it off too long. Speaking with a L does not mean you want or will even get a D. You need to protect yourself ASAP.

We had talked, way back when, and it may be possible for us to settle this without lawyers. At my Divorce Care class, they really emphasize how ugly it can be with lawyers. They say if possible, you should try to agree without lawyers.
Do you want a D? If it's amicable you may be able to work it out yourself without Ls, but this is rare. It get's ugly with Ls when one or both spouses refuse to budge on terms, custody, etc. I'm afraid since your H is cheating and screwing around with money you are going to need representation.


As much of a cheater my H is, he has told me that there's no way he will ask me to be responsible for any of his school loans.
Ha! If I may quote Puppy - "Cheaters always lie". Please Belle, don't trust your H. I'm sick as can be over not being able to trust mine either but I've learned some hard lessons.

I'm worried about you. Take care of yourself!

[Belle]

HI Silver Fox

I have to tell you that your post has really shaken me, on this awful gloomy Monday morning in IA.

I am so confused right now.......

In talking with some friends from Divorce Care class, one gal says that our finances will be considered separate starting the day that we separated - he moved out.

But it sounds like your situation is more similar to mine and so I believe what you say.

I have to do some thinking about this......(and praying)

Just one thing (gotta go to work, I'm late already) Just because I'm going to a lawyer doesn't mean I'm getting divorced, but doesn't it mean that I have to file? I don't think I am ready to file. I do not want this D.

And, for sure I will be responsible for his debt if I get a lawyer - because if H gets a lawyer then that lawyer will make sure that I am responsible for half.

But if we can agree on the divorce without a lawyer, then H may not try to make me be responsible for his debt.

How does your H afford a lawyer if he is broke? I have no idea how mine will. He doesn't work- all he does is take out loans to go to school.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Belle,

Just because you meet with a lawyer, doesn't mean you have to file. Divorce attorneys do generally push you TOWARDS filing, as that's how they feed their families, but YOU drive the bus on that.

Puppy

[ppenton]

I have met with a few lawyers but I'm not ready to file yet and they do push you but YOU are in control of this not them or your H

[Belle]

Thanks guys

Ok, so I don't have to file even when I talk with L. But when L tells me that if I don't file, then I am responsible for half of all his debt, I am going to go insane.

I'm not kidding.

I HATE this sitch. It is so unfair. I DON'T WANT A D!

I don't, don't, don't, don't.

(See, I am already insane!)

WHY, why, why, why, why do I have to file for D just because my H is absolutely messed up in the head????

I guess I am jumping to conclusions, but from what Silver Fox says, I am responsible for 1/2 of his debt until someone files.

That is so not right.

And I have to pay these lawyers that I "talk" to? When do I have to start paying them?

The gal from my Divorce Care group said she talked to a handful of lawyers and found one that was the most fair. Perhaps I will get his number from her. I need to think on this a few more days.

Besides, H just got his disbursement for this trimester on 3/3/09. It was for $15,000. Guess we can chalk that up to my total. Next disbursement is July.......

[Silver Fox]

I'm so sorry Belle. I didn't mean to shake you and after reading my reply I guess it does sound frightening, especially written in red!

I just want to make sure you are protected. Talking with Ls will enlighten you to the particular D laws of your state. And yes you should talk to several. Think of it as a new learning experience - knowledge is power. You are just arming yourself in case your H tries to pull a fast one. Some Ls will offer an hour free, some will charge for a first consultation and then if you hire them, will charge a retainer. Mine actually gave me two consultations for a discount before I decided to retain him.

Just follow your brain on this one. Your heart is saying "no, I don't want this!" I understand Belle, I never did and I still don't, but my brain says "take care of your future - don't let him bankrupt you". Your H is only thinking of himself now. Actually, he's not really thinking at all. That's why you have to be the smart one.

You can do it! Again, please accept my apology for upsetting you.