Hi Coach, All things considered, I would have to say that I'm doing pretty well. A lot of the jarring process of separating our lives is now passed - and it's more of the practical matters that come up every now and then.
I'm still writing - and looking forward to having more time for my own writing in the near future. I had a large(170 page)freelance project that took up much more time than it should have - but I'm now finishing that up - which should leave a lot more time for my own writing.
Thanks for saying that you think I'm a success story. I can't say that I always feel that way - but I do know that I am nowhere near being the shell of a man that I was when this started - and I am also well on my way toward fulfilling some goals that I had set long ago - but which I had allowed to fade too far into the recesses of my life.
I'm still emerging from a lot of sadness - and I occasionally feel the itch and the pain from a wounds left on my heart and in my sense of hope - but I also know, without any doubt, that no matter what happens, I will be fine. I have to be. I really haven't given myself a choice in that matter - I just have to be - for my own sake and, more importantly, for the sake of my two sons.
In terms of my sons, I made a tough decision a few days ago that I'm still processing...namely, I agreed with my S11's mother that it would be best for him to be with her in Washington DC next year - rather than for him to be here with me. The plan is still for him to live with my while he is in high school - but as I looked at my situation and the complete upheaval of my life - and the extreme rebuilding still ahead of my (not to mention the looming divorce) - it became clear to me that while it might be wonderful to me to have him my S11 home with me next year - it would not be ideal for him. With his mother he would have a home, his step brother and his sister, he would also have her family nearby...whereas out here in CA, I am pretty much alone - no family - many good friends - but no family...that decision/change devastated me for a long day - and it still saddens me - but I know that I'll be able to make the most of it for my S11 and for me S2 and for me...
While I am sorry to hear that your plans with your S11 have changed and that it, understandably, caused you a lot of pain, the tone of your voice in this post is amazing. You really have healed so much from just a few months ago. The strength in your words resonates and, while it was painful for you, you made a choice thinking of your son's best interest. This, of course, is in keeping with everything you have ever described doing for your boys here on this board, so it's not surprising. It's just impressive that you did not let it send you into a tailspin.
I am glad to hear you will have more time for your own writing. I am sure that will be a good thing for you.
I agree with Coach; you are, absolutely, a success story. This journey is about saving oneself, healing, growing and emerging better and happier. You sound like a man very well on his way.
You know Coach is right most of the time. You are a success story.
As far as S11, I feel sad that he will be far away from you but I think you have made a good decision. Like V said, you are thinking of what is best for him first. You sounded pretty strong from your posts. Keep up the good work, my friend. Finish unpacking yet...??
NW626
Me:33 STBXW:38 S:3 It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you fight the fight....!!
I'm glad you moved in and are getting settled. It makes a HUGE difference once you get your new place to feel like it is your own place, things do feel so much better. I'm personally very comfortable in my apartment and I've been able to get stuff to XW as I've come across them in my unpacking. It is nice to have my own place and a separate place for my D.
I'm sorry about the difficulty of the decision on your S11. You made the decision that was best for him and he'll love and respect you for this unselfish act, regardless of how difficult it was for you to do.
It is too bad your W is controlling and mean as well. I know all too well how that is to live with, but your current policy is the best one...ignore it and move forward. Say what you need to establish your boundaries, but don't engage in a conflict w/her at all. Sift through the garbage she deals you and toss out anything that is unnecessary from her.
Although it is tempting at times to "say your peace" I'm constantly reminded by my friends here on DB that to do so would be counter-productive.
NW, RTL and V, Hello, my friends. Thanks for your support on my decision regarding my S11 - It was a tough - well, brutal decision to make, but I just could not find a way to argue against the idea that he would have a more comfortable, fulfilling year in his mom's home - than here with me as I continue to rebuild in a profound way - and as I continue through the process of my divorce. The goal now is to make the most of this summer together - and to ensure that I've got the right kind of work lined up for next year so that I can travel to visit him - and take time off when he comes to visit me.
As for B, well, her anger just won't subside - I think it's just too much a part of who she is - and so I don't engage her in any way at all anymore. My one slip was when she tried to accuse me of throwing S2's jacket at her a couple days ago when she came to pick him up. S2 was on a staircase and turned around to touch something on the ground - making him back up too close to the stairs for my comfort - so I quickly handed her his jacket - and picked him up - which was when she glared at me and snapped - don't throw his things at me....my response was, "I didn't throw his things at you. Stop lying." Should I have said nothing? Maybe...but I'm fine with having told her that I knew she was inventing another scenario - even if she does think it's real in her head...
Actually, let me back up a bit...since I don't really believe that she thinks her fabrications are all real - since that tension between her fictions and reality seems to contribute to her constant anger...okay..thought acknowledged...and let go.
Rob, you're so very right that it's just not worth the effort to "say your peace" - so I don't bother - and, oddly enough, it just doesn't mean that much to me to have her know what I think about her and the end of our marriage.
The apartment is still something of a work in progress. Moving from a house into an apartment calls for a purging on a scale that I've never experienced before...and yet there is a part of me that enjoy it. I've almost got the living room all settled - and then plan on finishing up the bedroom. The house had tons of storage space - so it was easy to tuck things away in there - the apartment doesn't offer that kind of space - and so more stuff just has to go...which is good.
Okay...time for me to get to work...I've suddenly got a lot to do...which surprises me in a good way.
How are you? The drama has certainly subsided from my life - though it's largely just because I don't interact with B at all. It's an odd kind of bitter indifference I feel toward her sometimes - don't know how else to describe it - it's almost like that feeling of having to deal with a mosquito that just doesn't know how uninterested you are in having it around - and having it dig into you for a drop of blood.
After two weeks of hardly any talk with her at all, I've opted to reintroduce hello and goodbye into my half of the exchange when she picks up S2 in the evenings - but she continues to say nothing in return - which I now just see as comically immature and pathetic. It annoys me to have to interact with someone so removed from reality - but I just don't take it personally - and so as soon as I've turned around and stepped away, she's gone from my thoughts.
That said...the specter of our memories still seems to linger and wait for me to wake on some mornings...damn ghosts...why can't memory be more like a mirror? - just reflect what's there rather than hold onto those images, or the shadows of those images, as if they were still tied to some kind of fanciful reality. I suppose some of these hints of memory just have to come out of the boxes that I'm picking through as I toss things out and discard more of the past to make more room for the present. It's not a hard thing to do, to throw things away, but it is a pensive process - since disposing of memories requires the inevitable comparison between what was and what was not...and tethered to that comparison is the frustration of lingering just long enough on what will not be...a frustration that reminds me (a different sort of remembering - since it looks forward, not backward) that lingering on "what will be" still has the risk of transforming me into a pillar of salt. After having spent a decade considering my life based on a shared past with B, I now move forward without a shared past but with amplified (and healthier) sense of the present. I think this shift has helped me become a better father and a better person.
I think you have very eloquently captured the feelings that surround memories. I understand what you mean about wishing they were more like mirrors, but here is a thought - mirrors can distort reality, letting us see what we want and ignore what we do not want to see. I submit that memories actually do share one very important thing in common with mirrors - us, the viewer. I think both mirrors and memories can be either relatively accurate or distorted based on the beholder.
I think part of the problem is that we are left looking at shared memories without the person who helped us make the memories. One of life's reality checks is having another person who shared the event recall it with us. I think it makes our task that much more difficult because we have to find a way, through the sadness, to make ourselves see what really happened and how things really were.
I was talking with a friend the other day he asked me if I felt bitter or cynical after all of this. My response was that I do not but that I no longer believe statements and proclamations of undying love. I swear this relates to your post. It is better to always stay in the present, I think. So, whatever we have today, whatever we are today, whoever loves us today, however much - that's it. It is our responsibility to make that enough for ourselves. Our salvation lies our being present in the present moment.
Here is how this relates to memories, while it is inevitable to face them and to have them resurface, I think we have follow your advice from an earlier post - be very zen-like with them, acknowledge their presence but do not dwell on them. If we do that, we minimize the risk of distorting them in either a good or bad direction and we do not grant them power over our present. Not to say this is what you are doing. Your post does not make it sound as though you are dwelling at all.
Hope that did not feel like a hijacking - did not mean for it to end up that way. Your words struck a chord with me based on some things I have been experiencing today and seemed like a good place to remind us all to stay focused on the present.
Hi Veronica, That didn't feel like a hijacking at all - what you wrote makes a lot of sense, actually - and I think the zen-like approach is certainly best - thanks for reminding me of that.
I'm still settling into the new place - and am mostly just glad that my sons seem okay with being here. Having the large park just two blocks away is a major plus - so too is living in a quiet area.
One major new frustration in my life is that I'm going to have to take my former landlords to small claims court. Turns out they are some pretty unethical people who not only didn't return my security deposit on time but then made over a dozen questionable deductions. Sad that people have to be that way - though it has given me the opportunity to discuss ethics and hypocrisy with my S11.
It's funny...I've had a few down days of late, and yet right now, as I'm writing, I just don't feel like saying much about it. Not much of an update, I suppose. I'm just going to keep doing what I can - accepting my reality - working hard not to resist it - and finding a way to make opportunity out of any negatives that stand in my way.
It is better to always stay in the present, I think. So, whatever we have today, whatever we are today, whoever loves us today, however much - that's it. It is our responsibility to make that enough for ourselves. Our salvation lies our being present in the present moment.