Divorce looming #6

[MrBond]

Don't think about what she thinks. Just keep doing what you're doing.

I'm glad you told the C the truth before you left. Hopefully your W won't be able to get her talons into the C. The kids really are the most important ones in all this.

[25yearsmlc]

If the c is half decent, no one can "brain wash" her. Good grief, that's just one of those things to say that doesn't end up helping. You can't stop them from going to c, nor should you, so are you going to fly back for an appointment? Are you going to ignore it and refuse to be on the speaker phone? Remember this is about the KIDS...oh yeah...not about who is right or wrong in the M...

Your w said you were weak...two thoughts come to mind. First, OUCH!! that would hurt to hear and of course you are trying to show her that her data is flawed or out of date with the "new Kev"...but chasing her around and chasing new directions every day and therefore spinning your wheels and staying in one, wrong place, is NOT going to appear strong to her....so keep on doing what is strong Kev, and changing your mind all the time shows a lot of weakness, it's true. Stay on ONE Course, sure checking options is fine, but stay on track while you do that...make sense?

2nd thought---Speaking of weakness, was it "strong or weak" of her to give in to her temptations and cheat? Oh, that kind of strong....yeah, she's one to talk. ("I'm weak to want the M to work, or you're strong b/c you cheated and want out? Excuse me, what is the definition of 'strength' being used here?") Staying power takes strength. But you, Kev, have to show it by practicing it. STAY THE COURSE....or you'll have no room to talk either.

One has to wonder how she thinks you should have "coped better" with the whole divorce goal. You might want to ask her sometime, CALMLY, what she expected or thought was an appropriate response for a man to have, when facing such deep wounds? Say you are hurt, more than focussing on her being wrong, for purposes of this question though. You want her to think about it sometime...good grief, what is a guy supposed to do?

Keep on keepin' on...and make it ALL about the kids now...
(( j ))

[K4D]

25,

I'm not flying there for the 1 hour appointment. But I am going to be on the speaker phone because they are my kids and I should be aware of what is going on and how they are doing.

I talked to my girls tonite on webcam. D7 started crying but wouldn't tell me why. I asked her if we needed to talk alone and she nodded yes. I said why don't you ask your mom to leave the room so we can. So D7 decided to close the door so her mom and sister couldn't hear her. She then told me that she really misses me and wants me home. She was very teary eyed. I told her I miss her to and want to be home but I can't right now. I told her how proud of her I am and that I think about her every day and that I keep a picture of her right beside me so I can look at her when I miss her.

This whole D is very hard on everyone except W. It really boggles me that she does not care about the impact on everyone else. This is all about her.

I just don't know how she became that cold of a person. This is hard.

Kevin

[K4D]

DW,

Ya, I guess I just wouldn't know since I have never been in that position. I have always been faithful to her. So I guess its why I don't understand why its awkward for her to talk to me. Lack of experiance on my part I guess.

Kevin

[K4D]

Stuck808 and 25,

I agree. The kids are the most important in this. I have no intention of stopping them from going to counseling. If it helps them cope, then I am all for it being as how none of us have a choice in this matter. Its best to make sure their world is as stable as possible considering their mom's choices.

I do wish I was there for my kids. I'm heading back at the end of May. I will be done with my learning by then. I drew up a schedule for myself and sent it to my W so that she is aware of my plans.

I also told her today that my dad and sister and brother in law still love her. She said she loves them to but can't talk to them right now. She told me there is a 50/50 chance she will want to move to Florida in 1 to 3 years. I said we would have to move together. She said of course. I said we would both have to have something lined up.

W then said that she would like for her and the girls to visit my dad and my sister and her husband once they move to Florida. She specifically left me out of those visits. I'm not sure what she is thinking. She thinks she is going to be welcomed without me there? My sister and brother in law will probably allow it for the purpose of getting a shot at fixing our family. But my dad on the other hand said don't bother coming if its not with me. He actually has no interest in her while she is acting this way.

I do think if she gets back to my family though, memories may start coming back and that old family feeling might have some impact. It might. Of course we are talking a couple of years from now.

It does continue to tell me though that she doesn't plan on this affair lasting, but that she really does not want to be back with me even when its over.

She is a sweetie. I love her none the less. Its kind of the thing, hate the sin not the sinner. Well, thats how I feel. I hate what she is doing, but I love her.

Kevin

[MrBond]

kevin,

I don't know how many times we've all told you. Stop thinking about her. You keep doing it and it's running your actions again. They are your kids too after all. You can decide where they move to or not, not on the whims of your W.

I'm afraid you're not really moving on and if you remain where you are mentally, emotionally, you're not going to live the life you want.

[K4D]

Stuck808,

I'd like to be back in Jacksonville, FL also. I don't have a problem with that move. Just things have to work out is all. I have alot of friends there. Unfortunately we both share alot of the same friends. But none the less, I would love to be near them again.

And no, I am not moving on from her. Even after the D finalizes, I still would like to reconcile at some point. If I move on from her, I am saying that its over. And while it may be temporarily over, I am trying to keep faith that in the long run, maybe we can be back together. Now granted, it would take a HUGE change of heart from her. And I would have to really prove my changes were sincere over time. And God would probably have to bless the reunion himself.

But it does happen. And I am trying to keep things alive incase it does. I'm not interested in moving on to someone else. At least not right now. Now if she chooses to remarry in the future, I will really have to contemplate my situation at that point. That is the nail in the coffin. Not this. This is just a temporary break in the overall life of our relationship hopefully.

I made a vow for life. I intend to honor that at least until that final nail is driven in. I can sit here and say its not easy. But at the same time, I can say, I don't want anyone else. I only want her. She is who I married. What is best for me and my family is that eventually we get back together and things are done right. If I can make that happen at some point, everyone wins.

The kids win, I win, and she wins because I am a much better person at that point. Don't get me wrong. It will be hell getting to that point. And its a big if. There is obviously no guarantee we will get there. But at least I will have done my best for the kids to try and fix things. And I will have honored my part in the marriage and my vow and my part of our covenant.

Its going to be lonely. Thats for sure. And I hope it doesn't last forever. But it might. I'm going to have to live with whatever she decides in life and do my best to be the best I can be for me, my kids, and hopefully her.

So no, I am not moving on in that aspect. But I am trying to get myself to a place where I can be ok without her while I hope she comes back at some point.

Kevin

Kevin

[K4D]

What irritates me is she can't seem to figure out what she wants or where she wants to live either. And she calls me undecisive.

Kevin

[MrBond]

Kevin,

That's the problem right there. You continue to honor and cherish her which shouldn't be your concern right now. Because she doesn't want you. And I don't know how many times and how many different ways she's told you that, but you won't let go not even a little.

Do we all want to get back with our Ws? Of course. But one thing about DBing is that you work on yourself first before you work on your M. With the exception of your studying long distance, you haven't shown us how you've changed. You are the same person that left Texas. You still cling on to her every word and jump when she commands you to.

Work on yourself Kevin. You said you understood why she likes the OM. Well be better than him. Grow as a person and an individual. It's obvious she wants you to grow a pair and stand up to her. To stand up for you rights.

Hopefully this separation will lead you to that, but you've got to start it.

C'mon Kevin work on yourself. You can do it.

[K4D]

I know. I just keep fearing with the finality just around the corner in a couple of weeks.

I know though. I just know once this finalizes she is gone. Of course she has been gone a long time now. I'm the only one still left in this marriage.

But you are right. Yall always are. I need to go back to being dark and stick with it.

I do miss my kids.

Kevin