It's a very hard issue to overcome, but you need to do it. The best way that I've found is when you feel the need to say or ask something imagine the worst answer you can hear. If it's bad enough to churn your stomach you may want to rethink it. I know that's a pretty dismal outlook, but I use it to keep myself in check. For whatever reason the spouse has pulled away and they're doing it because they need to.
Another thing I learned is when I need to know something ask for a specific answer. If you ask something like "Do you think things are better between us?" you'll probably get a response that is equally vague and open. If you're like me, you can take a vague and turn it into all kinds of terrible things in under an hour. The reason I bring that up is that I have found that if I cannot ask a question or bring up a topic that is very specific, more times than not, I'm asking a pressuring question that she doesn't know the answer to. For instance, if I ask her the question I used above, she might say "Yes." But yes could mean "I'm really reconsidering this divorce" or it could also mean "Since I filed for divorce I no longer have the pressures of being your wife." or anything in between.
Long story short, if you think what you are about to say is pressuring it probably is. When I get something like that in my head I do my best to remove myself from the situation. Go watch TV or read a book. Go for a walk. Call a friend. Do anything but sit an dwell on what you don't want to say.
Another possibility, though this doesn't work for me, is set a time and stipulation when you will say it. So for instance "I will not ask her why she has this sudden need for a passport" until Thursday afternoon if she is in an agreeable mood. If not, I will try Friday afternoon."
The problem that I have with that is that it gives you a set time to dwell on it and build it up in your head. By the time Thursday afternoon comes along I'll have the whole conversation planned out. The first time it gets derailed I'll fumble around like a dope because she didn't keep to the script.
So there you go: Advice from someone who is apparently completely neurotic.
