Thanks Vicky...hang in there, and please do remember what I said about how loving someone is NEVER a waste of time. That part is never ever a waste of time. But we can love someone while still letting them go and moving on (or whatever you decide to do going forward).
One thing that I don't see talked about a lot on this forum, but which is discussed much more on another marriage/infidelity forum, is the idea that there is a withdrawal that happens when/if a WAS's affair breaks up.
The short version is this: affairs are like an addiction, and when the WAS gives up their affair partner, they go through a period of withdrawal afterwards. Until they go through and complete this withdrawal process (and assuming they do not strike up contact again or begin the affair again), then they cannot be fully present in their marriage. They have to finish that withdrawal process first, THEN (if they choose it) they can recommit to the marriage.
The reason I bring this up is that I also see LBS's writing about how their WAS seemed "down" the other day, and the LBS is hoping that maybe their WAS was down because they are reconsidering coming back, or because the WAS is second guessing their actions.
More than likely, if you have an WAS in an affair, if they appear to be "down" it is because they are going through some kind of drama with their affair partner. Quite simply put, even if an LBS would say out loud to their LBS that they are down and if they ask to lean on the LBS for support, they are probably trying to mend their OWN broken/breaking heart....but their heart is breaking due to something going on in their affair, not in their marriage.
Affairs almost always include a roller coaster full of drama, ups and downs, breakups, etc. Because the nature of the affair is already slimy and risky, these other factors don't seem that weird to the WAS. They just accept this roller coaster emotional drama as if it is expected, because in some ways, YEAH it is expected to be a slimy road once you walk down the path of an affair. Even the WAS knows this somewhere in his/her heart. They know that the "price" of an affair is the roller coaster, the lying, the hiding, etc.
So - if you have a WAS who seems down, don't just immediately come around and try to comfort them. It is quite possible they aren't down about losing you, but about losing whatever skeezo they are involved with. I know that must be hard to hear, but it is important. Don't read things into your WAS's behavior, but instead, study them from afar and educate yourself on what these behaviors look like....while still GAL'ing, etc.
I can understand the tempation to disect every move your WAS makes. But if you do this with the overlaying hope that they will come back around, then you are going to apply your own hope to your interpretation to their actions.
From my point of view, having been the world's biggest idiot in marriage, I can see through most of the b.s. and understand what these WAS's are really feeling. And it usually isn't about their LBS. Its about some crazy up-and-down thing they have created for themselves outside the marriage.
