Look at the realationship your spouse has with your kids as compared to the your relationship with them. My daughter would pick me 9 out of 10 times.
That's a real problem in my sitch because my W has been going completely overboard to be the dominant parent, and although moth of my kids enjoy the time they spend with me, they depend on W because she has always been their primary caregiver, and has taken up the martyr role doing everything for them and with them.
Whenever I'm over for one of my nights with the kids, she has just left a few minutes before I get there, and S11 has a real hard time accepting that she has left.
Last night I talked with him and asked him why he gets so upset when his Mom leaves. He said "Because I don't want her to leave, but she does anyway". I said "That's because it's my night to spend with you guys?". He asked "Why does she have to leave just because you are here?". I said "Because she needs some time alone without me." He said "Yeah, but why does she have to leave us just because she doesn't want to be with you?" I said "I don't know, that's something you would have to ask her" He said "I did, she just said 'Too bad, that's just how it is'" I said "I know this is very difficult for you, it's difficult for all of us, but you realize that we both love you very much, and we both want to spend as much time with you as we can." He said "Doesn't she realize she's not just doing this to you, she's doing it to all of us"
Whoa... that one hit in me in the gut.
Me: "Well, it's her decision, and all we can do is make the best of it" S11: "Why did you even let her move out in the first place?"
Whoa... another reality shot
Me: "You know that was her decision and nothing I said or did got her to change her mind" S11: "You could have just told her she couldn't see us (kids) or we couldn't stay with her if she moved out" Me; "would you have wanted me to not let you see or stay with your Mom?" S11: "Well maybe she would have stayed"
WHOA... this kid has some real N.U.T.S.
At that point I turned the conversation to dinner, and he moped off to his room. 5 minutes later he came down and was back to being a carefree 11 year old, talking sports, homework, acting like a goofball and just being a kid.
I think: 1) He is so much like his mother in that he just suppresses his feelings, pushes thm down until they boil over. The difference is that he still has the innocence and spirit of a child, and can quickly switch gears. 2) Both me and W can learn a LOT from our kids and how they are processing this. I don't know what her interactions are like when she's with them, but I hope there are some times when she can see the damage that she is causing, and it helps to soften her heart.
