Hello all. I have been around the boards a bit, but am mostly over at SSM. I pop in on this forum now and then, hoping maybe I can help. I want to help because I used to be a cheater during my marriage, which ended in divorce (not only because of the cheating but...), and I have since mended my cheating ways and am in a happily faithful relationship.
The reason I started this particular thread, is because here and there I am reading posts from an LBS who has a cheating spouse, and it becomes obvious to me that the LBS is being duped, either by their spouse or by their own refusal to really see things for how they are.
I can understand if you are an LBS and you simply don't want to know what your WAS is up to. Seriously, that is probably the best thing for a lot of people.
But for any LBS who has a WAS that is actively pursuing another relationship, I just want to chime in on a couple of things....
Specifically...if your WAS is cheating, please don't try to believe that they have had a change of heart toward you just because they were nice to you one day, especially when you know they were recently out to see their affair partner.
For instance, your WAS goes out until late on Saturday night, with a lame excuse which you don't believe. Sunday they seem all bright and cheery toward you and you begin to have hope they are changing their mind. PLEASE! Please don't go there. They are likely in a bright and cheery mood because they just got their fix of their chosen drug the night before, their affair partner.
I also recently read by an LBS that his WAW was going to a work party where lots of upper management were going to be in attendance...and because of the upper management being there, the LBS made the hypothesis that it would be too "risky" for his WAW to be up to "no good" at this party. Again PLEASE! Please don't underestimate how easy it is to sneak off to a closet or under a stairwell and play post office if you are in an affair. And not only that, but many of those upper management people will be the first ones to be after your wife, or to turn their backs when their collegue is after your wife. There really is no place, no party, no area, no circumstance that is "safe" from affair stuff. Shenanigans can be gotten up to no matter where you are, no matter who is there.
I'm not proud of my past. It has taken me many years of self study to figure out what the heck was wrong with me. But I really get it now and am truly faithful now...so I want to do whatever I can to help other people with this. If you have questions for me, I will try to help. I can describe a fairly accurate picture of how most affairs start, how they develop, and what it takes to break them up. But the key will be, if you are an LBS with a cheating spouse, what are you willing to hear? Are you willing to face the ugliest truths you've ever been faced with? Are you ready to really accept that your WAS has done this horrid thing to you, and continues to do it to you?
I know that many need to stay in denial for their own reasons, and I don't blame them at all. Its the people who are trying to do the right thing by their marriage and really trying to work on things, that I feel bad for when I read things like the examples I made above. For those that want to face this thing dead on, I am here to help if I can. Ask me anything. But be prepared for the truth so you can really make your choices accordingly.
I'm sorry for all you are going through, all of you. It is heartwarming (or heartbreaking, not sure) to see all the people in this forum (on all sections) trying so hard to save their marriages. Its inspiring, really. And if your WAS could truly understand the amount of love pouring out of you for them, they possibly could break free from that fog and come back around. Sadly though, a lot of them will not ever truly understand it and will wander through life in their fog.
I hope this post isn't offensive to anyone. If you are offended, please don't take it out on me. I know you are in a lot of pain, but I'm truly here to help and that's all. I really have mended my ways and I understand now how it all happened. I'm on the good team now. If I can help you understand anything about affairs or your sitch, let me know.
