Thanks all for your comments and candor, I appreciate all the words of support and direction that you are giving me. I understand that I have to detach, let go, drop the rope, whatever you want to call it - intellectually I fully understand that it makes the most sense for me to do exactly that.
Emotionally I'm not there, I don't know how to get there (except acting as-if I'm there) and I honestly don't know if I will ever be able to get there.
It's cognitive dissonance - my brain is not in sync with my heart. And believe me, I try, I really do try to follow your advice. Some days are worse than others, but I continue on, praying, trying to be the change I want to see, crying uncontrollably at times, and just trying to keep myself busy so I don't obsess about this.
Is it working? No.
Am I able to let go? No.
Am I obsessing about this any less? No.
How do you stop thinking about something when it's your first thought in the morning, your last thought before you fall asleep, your dominant thought throughout the day, and the sub-conscious thought that drives your dreams?
I am seriously questioning my sanity. I've seen 3 counselors, 2 MC's, my primary care doctor a few times, and a Psycho-pharmacologist since this started, and just last week I tried to make an appointment with a Psychiatrist, but was told they (the practice that my PCP referred me to) aren't taking new patients at this time. I could probably go back to my doc and get a different referral, but what is a Psychiatrist going to do, prescribe me some new pill? I'm already on 2 Anti-Depressants, Anti-Anxiety meds, and Ambien to help me sleep, yet I still feel like I'm about to break down at any moment.
I'm going to a Divorce Care support group meeting tonight, hopefully I can find someone that I can talk to that has been where I am and can help me get on a more even keel.
I really appreciate all the support I get here, but I need some human interaction, I feel so isolated and lonely, I just really need someone to talk to.
