First off, Nathan is doing quite well. I actually was called in to sub in his classroom at 10 am today after his teacher went home sick.
He is a bit of a talker/loud at times, but no more so than the others. In fact there are two, even three others who are much worse behavior-wise. And I was on recess duty and noticed a boy and girl literally yanking each others arms and dragging each other around playing a chase game. So Nathan is not "special" in terms of putting his hands on other kids. That was good to see and remember. I knew that, but it was nice to be validated!
In other news, I am feeling really "up" today. I have been struggling to figure out my place in everything, my role, who I am, etc. Am I the loving wife? The "best friend" you hear about on here? Or the boundary enforcer? The "tough love-er?"
Well, I happened to come across a radio program today (Christian radio) while in my car. I had an early meeting (7:15 and was driving back at a time I am usually in the classroom already).
Anyway, the program was about being a 'single parent' after the loss of a spouse due to divorce/separation. The woman featured had been married over a dozen years when her husband decided to walk away. They had 12 yr old twins at the time. They were separated for a year and then her H couldn't take the limbo so he called it quits with a divorce.
The way the woman spoke really touched me. I have tried to type it out here three times now and I keep deleting what I write. I can't quite put it in words that sound right. But she continued to love and support her husband all the way until the divorce. Even as I write that it doesn't look right but it feels right. I cannot be something that I am not. I can't spite him or punish him or whatever. Because I love him.
I won't put myself out there physically, pressure him to choose me, etc. But while he is gone, I have been checking on his house for him. We text back and forth here and there about different things. We are going to a hockey game with Nathan on Friday night. I decided that maintaining a friendship is important to me because we will always be Nathan and Sydney's mom and dad, no matter what else happens. And having that friendship means there is always a possibility it can become more. Besides, he has already told me he doesn't know how to do this (life) without me. That he loves me and wants to figure out how to work things out.
He needs to let go of the past and his resentments. And I cannot do that. So I don't have to worry about it anymore or let it consume me anymore. What a weight to let go of! And since I know I am not ready to date anyone else or even to file for a D, I don't have to pressure him to meet my timetable like I thought I did. We can just be as we are for now and see what happens...
I am putting the focus back on my kids, my family, my job, my house, and me! I took the kids to the park with one of Nathan's friends yesterday. We went for a hike through the woods, went out to eat, and had a great time. I was really "there" in the adventure, instead of walking through the day physically while mentally dwelling on Dan and how to fix 'us'....
Today I am going to go work out, I think I will run outside again since the weather is good. I am excited about getting my body strong and healthy again! And the sunny weather does wonders for the PMA, too.
I am also going to keep going on project 'organize the house'. I have spent so much time stressing about my situation that I have let the laundry/housework/etc get out of hand. I spent the weekend getting all of the paperwork/bills/finances under control. Now for the rest of it!
Anyway I realize this is a long post that isn't about much, but I guess it is a return to the me that I used to be and am ready to be again. For so long I have been afraid to move too much because I didn't want to move away from Dan, if that makes sense... But now I feel good taking action and doing things for myself, by myself. And somehow that actually makes me more comfortable communicating with Dan, because I know I am not doing it to try to get a reaction from him. I am doing it out of genuine care for him regardless of the outcome.
And since I know I am not ready to date anyone else or even to file for a D, I don't have to pressure him to meet my timetable like I thought I did. We can just be as we are for now and see what happens...
