Starting to get "It" #2

[25yearsmlc]

Neither one of you is ready, truth be told. It would confuse the heck out of you and you'd obssess about it endlessly, if you're really honest with yourself.


But It is a MAJOR dilemma for most of us in this process. When h would visit, if he slept in the guest room the kids would notice and comment to me in private. If not, who knows what they thought? And just b/c we shared a bed...anyhow, it's a dicey personal thing. I got some good DB coach advice (& highly recommend getting it for you) and remembered that for me and my sitch, I felt that I'd do what came naturally, as long as I felt I could handle it. Meaning, I would not if I suspected that later on I'd feel used, etc. Besides, h was gone a lot and there was no ow, so it's not as if he came and went as he pleased. But since she is the semi-WAS with mixed feelings, it's your heart that is most at risk.

One well meaning friend told me "NO way!! How can you?? I would never let myself get used that way...blah blah blah"--- but that particular friend had issues of her own. She and her h had not slept together in YEARS so I was not about to listen to that Expert, you know?

DB coach said "Do what feels natural, loving AND that you can handle..."

I thought it was something we were "good at" and it brought us closer and the more distance you get from there, the harder it is to recall. And I wondered if any man returned to a woman b/c of the great sex they NEVER had...
But it is a very personal issue. I say you aren't ready b/c of the confusion I think it would create in you. Could be wrong. If you confined its' meaning, who knows?


Your "backslide" has one advantage, which is that she knows you desire her. Every woman wants to know that. Not in a vulgar "anyone would do , but since you're in front of me..." but that you want her, specifically, and no one else.

Someday that may need to change so that she fears losing you, etc. (Meaning if you have to go dark, etc) But for now, aren't your changes mainly aimed at demonstrating your loving nature and romantic side and the less critical parts of you? I ask this b/c it's easy to confuse other posters here with those who overly pursue, and or those who had drinking as their issue, or tempers...and as I recall, you have some temper/critical/jealous/impatience issues to combat, correct? So, if that's accurate, then maybe it wasn't such a backslide anyhow b/c of the follow up comments you made.

Make sense? As for the gifts, since she'll know the "kid's gifts" came from you anyhow, why make it so hard and complicated? I mean, she WILL know it's really from you, correct? So Make at least one gift a nice personal one, like jewelry or perfume she likes (Only perfume SHE likes, not just any, and same goes for jewelry, ). As for the card, sign the kids card with a nice note about the coming year being one of "growth, learning," or that you hope she finds peace and joy in her life and that she knows she's valued and loved by her famly...I'm throwing this out and I'm feeling pretty good about it LZR, but have others say their thoughts and figure out what seems natural. I KNOW I would not go overboard but let me ask you this:

What would your wife tell a stranger is happening in your m right now?
Would she say you are separated? Trial sep? Taking a time out? Aiming for div? What do you think she would call it, not what you hope, but what realistically is her description of this situation?

That will tell us a lot about how to proceed.
Good luck,

(( j ))



















I got so many mixed messages from friends I recall one frid