Out of the Dark and into the Light.....

[Jimbo]

Jim,

You had a great time on Weds, you did amazing, good interaction...and here's the trap that snagged you.

That was yesterday. It is in the past. In a normal relationship that sets the tone for today.

In an MLC relationship do you know what sets the tone? Cause f-me if I ever did. The moon? Talking birds? radio stations in her filings? Actually glad I have no idea.

You have good MLC day, and that is yesterday.
Tomorrow? Who knows?

On the plus side...

You have a bad MLC day with her, her fault and not yours...that is yesterday too.

Today isn't the day; and what can you burn today to get to tomorrow?

You're right, Jack. They do forget. Both good and bad. Consciously, at least.

But I feel like it's much akin to a coma patient. You don't see any outward signs that they've heard you, and a lot of people say they're checked out- how can they POSSIBLY hear you?

And then, there are the others who say that not only do they hear, but on a deep, deep level- they not only hear, they UNDERSTAND.

So I have to believe that, on some deep, deep level, she knows the difference between an actual disagreement and when she's pulling $#!+ with picking a fight to create a disagreement, but just can't help herself. It's how she maintains her comfort level and ignores what is happening in the "real world".

I still hold to my child development theory of MLC.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

I still hold to my child development theory of MLC.

I think we have the same theory.

Missed my point, maybe?

For you yesterday, the good and bad, was yesterday, and you cannot afford to let yesterdays good/or bad expectations affect today.

[Jimbo]

No contact is easier now that she knows she can enjoy time with you.

Not sure I'm tracking w/ you on this- please explain?

You have said you had no contact with her for awhile so she got used to that. Out of sight, out of mind. It is easier for some people to not deal with their problems unless they are right in front of them.

When you and your W met up last week she may have come that day thinking she was going to have a 10 - 30 minute conversation with you about taxes. What she wasn't expecting is a wonderful time with you. It threw her for a loop. Now she doesn't know how to handle it so instead of dealing with it, she is going to hide again.

She will try to push you away again. As I said, panic mode set in and she doesn't know what to do. Her defense mechinism says to stay away and not deal with it. No physical contact. She can put the stuff in the mail and not have to worry about seeing you. Seeing you and knowing the enjoyment of that night may have dug down deep within her and stung. Now she doesn't know what to do or how to handle the emotions she felt that night.

My stbx was the same way. We would spend a few hours together or have a nice lengthy phone conversation and I would think things were beginning to look up but then BAM, all of a sudden he went back in his shell. He would get scared. Their tendency is to hide from everything.

You know a person going thru MLC lives is in their own little world. When someone invades it, it sets off lots of little alarms. It causes them to back pedal and run for cover.

Sometimes I wonder if the guilt eats at them so much that when they do have a good time they punish themselves. Maybe they feel no contact is punishing them somehow. They don't see clear enough to realize it hurts us in the process.

It is like a horse with blinders on. They see what is straight ahead of them but can't see out of the corner of their eyes. When they get a glimpse of something to the side, they get spooked and run. She is running from the good time she had. She was not prepared for it.

OK, now I understand:

"No contact is easier [on her] now that she [has to face up to the fact that she] knows she can enjoy time with you."

Yes?

[still.struggling]

Yes, that is what I meant. Sometimes I can't type what my mind is really thinking. It is hard to put it into words.

You're just lucky you caught me on a day that my brain seems to be working.

[fisherman]

You're just lucky you caught me on a day that my brain seems to be working.

....Nah....nevermind

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Fine I'll do it...

At least something about T2 is working.


ba dum dum.

[still.struggling]

You're just lucky you caught me on a day that my brain seems to be working.

....Nah....nevermind

Say what you want, I don't care today. I have been working on an account here at work since yesterday morning around 10:00 and could not get it to balance. Stress, stress and more stress. After pulling my hair out and saying some not so nice words, I decided to take a break and see what Jimbo and everyone was doing. Once I finished that last post to him, a lightbulb went off and I found the problem. Account is balanced!!!!!

So, I DO HAVE A BRAIN!!!! I just never know when it is turned on or not.

[still.struggling]

Fine I'll do it...

At least something about T2 is working.


ba dum dum.

Har har har!!!!!

You all would be bored if I was all work and no play!!!

[Jack_Three_Beans]

That sounded...fake.

Depended on what your job was now wouldn't it?

[Jimbo]

I still hold to my child development theory of MLC.

I think we have the same theory.

Missed my point, maybe?

For you yesterday, the good and bad, was yesterday, and you cannot afford to let yesterdays good/or bad expectations affect today.

Yes- did miss your point, but agree with it nonetheless because of mine.

I agree that (for me and my sanity) I can't afford to let yesterdays good/or bad expectations (or results) affect me today. But I also must keep in mind that (for my R) on some level I am affecting her for good and ill in the aggregate, but that it's a sliding scale- "bad stuff" (as perceived by her) gaining more weighted points than "good stuff". If the "good stuff" outweighs the "bad stuff" then she needs to create more of the bad to outweigh the good and justify her behavior to herself.

I just need to shine and overwhelm her with good stuff, while playing her game by her rules!