Over the Shock - Detaching and GALing

[Thinker]

I'm Changing!, I'm Changing!

Thanks for the advice and reassurance and for asking the tough questions. For the past month or so I have put most of my effort into myself - working with my IC, reading, GALing, etc.

Really for myself, I'll take a minute to review the ways I am trying to work on myself (It helps me to review every now and then)

- Physically: Getting back in shape, getting strong - lost wt, working out, new clothes - looking and feeling better and much happier with myself. A friend and I signed up for a Triathlon this summer, so I am struggling to get ready for it.

- Mentally: to paraphrase "Hold on to your Nuts" most of my work has been trying to "Silence the Little Boy" - and to think, before this all hit, I didn't even know he was there, and now we are getting to be good friends Honestly, I was way too dependent on her, way too unhappy with myself, and way too focused on work, the mortgage, etc to lead a happy life. This is giving me the opportunity to get past that.

- Intellectually: It's amazing how much I did not know or understand about relationships. I have a whole stack of R books that I have been reading (but keeping hidden from my W so as not to pressure her.) I want to understand where I went wrong and contributed to the sitch so that I don't do it again.

- Socially: Getting out a couple of times a week, getting back in touch with old friends, building new friendships, etc. My W and I have actually switched roles recently. I had dropped all of my friendships in order to do what I thought I had to do for my W and my family (martyrdom!) I was at home resenting that she was out with her friends - now sometimes I am out more often than she is.

For the past couple of weeks, I think I have been doing a pretty good job of giving her the space she needs - not perfect, but pretty good. I am also feeling way more detached. I am actually pretty happy to give her space because it allows me the time and space to do my own thing and focus on my own issues.

I still really miss her though...

My W is going through a renewed rough piece in her life, as her mother just found out that her cancer is back and has metastasized. As expected, it is hitting my W really hard and she is crumbling under the stress. I can clearly see what she is going through and and really feel for her and her whole family. She really needs and wants support - but at the same time is clear that she wants space from me. I can't be the one to give her that support -- or if I can I have to do it very indirectly.

Thinking through it as I journal here, I think my approach during this period has to be:

• Keep myself happy and independent, so that she does not feel like she has to take care of me to.
  
• "Be the Rock" - Stay strong and level and help out here with the kids and the home (as I have been) so she doesn't see the house as something to run from.
  
• Avoid pursuit or drama here in our daily R so that she doesn't feel she has to run away.
  
• Give her the freedom to help her mom and the space to work out what she wants from life.
  
• Detach, avoid timelines or expectations, and be patient