I think the alcoholism is the key to this situation. If he would get help for the drinking, other things would fall into place. My son was an insane, abusive person who made my life hell. Then he got put in a substance abuse program, they made him take antabuse for 6 months, stopped the drinking, and he turned into a great person. It's great when a judge takes over the situation and forces these guys to get help. I don't know if it is possible to get them to want help on their own.
He's not her kid...he's the father of her children and they are seeing all this insanity...and meanness. And utter lack of accountability or acknowledgement that there is a problem. In a few short short years, your boys will start drinking...think about that.
Breakaway, you do what you gotta do for YOU and your kids....and we can all sincerely pray that your h gets well. But he is not well now and he chooses not to be well.
As you know, I've had some deaths of loved ones lately. Life is short. Don't spend too much of a finite, undetermined but precious resource -TIME ON EARTH - on someone who will probably never wake up. And if they can wake up, it'll probably take you leaving him to make that happen. I feel a sense of urgency I didn't feel before this year. A sense that I have to make my life what it can be, and stop the "waiting" for whatever...the other shoe to drop?? The magic lottery? I've wasted so much of my life trying to control the uncontrollable, or assuming responsibility for things that didn't belong to me and were NOT mine to handle...
Recall my gf neighbor who dropped dead with 4 little kids? And My brother? Well, Tomorrow is promised to no one. We shouldn't assume we have another 40 years here on earth b/c we might not.
How do you want to spend the rest of whatever time you have? Waiting for him to not be home so you can relax, only to tense up when he comes home again? Do you want to be calling your gf in 20 years with similar questions about whether you can spend the night at their house b/c he's getting nasty again? OR, would you like to be getting a real life of your own, with your values dictating how your day goes?
I'm all for saving marriages...but you gotta live to do that, and he scares me. Drunk or no drunk, he's a big guy with a big temper and you have two boys who learn something "new" each day from him, about what it means to be a "drinking man". and they see that he gets to do whatever he wants to do no matter how mean, whenever he has a "hard day" as determined by him and without any warning to others...and he gets to ignore the bad things he did, when he's in a good mood and no one can bring up the bad times...or "THEY'LL spoil the mood...
Growing up in an alcoholic home, yes, been there, done that. No thanks.
Sorry honey, but I just can't handle people telling you that you have to get him to stop drinking b/c it is not your job and besides, it AIN'T GOING TO HAPPEN...at least not by staying with him. Has that worked yet? NO it has not. There's no "exact wording" or magic phrases to say. You are an articulate woman who has expressed herself well. He knows what you want and need. He KNOWS...and he has chosen not to do it. For years. So I go back to my new mantra; life is short. Make yourself happy. No one else can or will.
((( j )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I've also thought of a thread for people dealing with alcoholism.
I have nothing really to say atm. Things are still in hearts and flowers stage. I hate the make-up stage more than the drunken outrage part. I'm sick and tired of not being allowed to have feelings.
I plan on seeing a lawyer next week to just ask some questions and see what's what. I also plan on speaking to my MIL about all of this.
H has planned for us to go out of town for the weekend, just the two of us. Should be fine. He's usually fine away from the house. Somehow being at home makes him much much worse.
I took S12 for a drive the other night and explained to him that his dad is an alcoholic. He seemed kind of relieved really...I could see some weight lift off his shoulders like...Oh...so that's what's wrong. He says, well I know Dad drinks vodka every night...like that's totally normal.
Ugh. It just totally SUCKS that no matter what...my kids have to suffer because of all this. They either suffer in the midst of this nutty dysfunctional behavior, or they have to suffer through a divorce. That I am likely to get all the blame for.
Well, that's it. Nothing really positive. Just trying to figure out what to do next.
This may not go well.. but we will see what happens.
I am sure you don't like me posting here. I understand why.
I am not here to argue with you.
"I've also thought of a thread for people dealing with alcoholism."
This would be a good thing. Do I think it should be in Newcomers.. no. It would get more traffic "here" but I think the discussion may wander some.
"I have nothing really to say atm."
One thing I have learned "here" is that people say the best things when they.. just don't know what to say.
Let me prove my point.
"Things are still in hearts and flowers stage."
Here you are setting the stage for what you are about to say. To me.. what follows that statement will be important.
"I hate the make-up stage more than the drunken outrage part."
And that is what is really important. To a point.. you know that this is going to come. I would label this.. More of the Same. Right here is the "fight" you "fight". Right here you could change things. The question it leaves me with is.. what do you really want? Do you want this marriage to work or not? I will assume from here on out.. that just because you posted here.. you want it to work. Please correct me if I am wrong. I am 100% OK with that.
"I'm sick and tired of not being allowed to have feelings."
Those words right there "made" me post tonight.
The main reason it did was because I "see" you.. "fighting" you.
No one ever told you not to have feelings.
The feelings you have are normal. It will be your reaction that takes you somewhere.
I am still left with that burning question.. what do you want?
"I plan on seeing a lawyer next week to just ask some questions and see what's what. I also plan on speaking to my MIL about all of this."
If this does not point out how "on the fence" you are.. I am a retard and am wasting my time.
"H has planned for us to go out of town for the weekend, just the two of us. Should be fine. He's usually fine away from the house. Somehow being at home makes him much much worse."
Read what you just wrote.. and really think about it.
"I took S12 for a drive the other night and explained to him that his dad is an alcoholic."
I don't know that I can "cheer" this thought on. To me as strong as you come across this was a "weak" moment for you.
"Well, that's it. Nothing really positive. Just trying to figure out what to do next."
Yes.. I left some stuff out. I call it fluff.
The path that you are on.. just does not lead anywhere.
So again.. the theme has not changed.
What do you want?
Remember.. you can answer the question.. and I will hold you to it.
or
Just tell me to go away.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
Just a quick note before I go to work - will talk more tonight if you aren't already away.
Think it will help you to consult with a lawyer to gather info - IMO people usually need more information before making decisions. It is called the "pre-contemplation stage" which leads to more directed thinking about what changes are needed to resolve the problem, thus the "contemplation stage". No changes yet but exploring possibilities which is what will help you decide "what you want" (chap 2? in DR book)
