On Sunday, we went to the comedy club. We got to the mall where the Improv was a had a laugh right away cause we ended up walking all over the mall looking for the place, and it was right in front of where we parked the car. We were doing the dinner thing there before the show, and W mentioned that it was the first fun thing we did together in a long time. I agreed with her.
She said she didn't feel that hungry so we ordered a dinner salad and a prime rib, and shared the meals together. I would cut meat and feed her, and she would sometimes grab chicken from her salad and feed it to me. It almost felt like being on a date again. The show was funny, and we did laugh ourselves sore. And then we talked a little on the way home again. Though I still kinda feel that she is trying to 'allow' these good moments with me just cause she is hoping that we will be very amicable in a divorce, I still am hoping that these little moments can add up and maybe trigger something inside her.
But sometimes I'm still not sure what is in her head though. Because I try not to talk about the future at all since I'm not supposed to when DBing. But sometimes its her that says things which are future related that most people would take as including me there. I dont' know what to make of it.
Like, last night, we got some new car ads. And I know she wanted a new car for awhile but we didnt' buy one just cause it didnt' make financial sense. But last night, she mentions that maybe we should trade in one of our cars and get a new one. She has done this a bunch of times before too. And in my head, I'm thinking, if you are going to divorce me...why the heck would I be buying a new car. If someone is dead set on divorce like she says she is, would they be thinking about getting new car now? And she heard from the neighbor about them paying less by using a different cable co. for tv, phone, and internet. So she just asked me about looking into seeing if we can get a better deal by switching too. To me, these things are set up for future savings so it goes against all the things she tells me about us.
But then sometimes she also says something about the future which seems to indicate that it is without me. I'm considering pursueing law school, and would probaby try to do it part time. But last night she also said that I should talk to my dad to see if he can support me and have me go fulltime. Hmmm...doesn't sound like I'm included in her future plans there.
So I still dont' know what to make of my sitch. Everytime we end up talking about the R (just like the other day when I had to try to set boundaries), she says the same thing. She has gotten over me, and harbors no hateful feelings, but still has no loving feelings. I'm just here. She repeats that she'd ideally like to just move on so she can start a new life. And did agree that we were both half the blame for any issues. She also did agree that people can come back from that 'place' she is in now, but says it takes much time and work, and that she can't and won't do it anymore.
There some more things, but I don't have time to type it out now. Like I've been back to working out like I used to. And the other day I'm pretty sure I caught her check me out a little I had my shirt off. But nothing's come of it...the only laid I've gotten in 3months is layed off from work.:(
