Saffie, She is also starting to stay out a tad more. This Thursday she is staying at her parents because it is her birthday, and on Friday she is staying over with friends. I cannot prove anything but is her anger because she is so tortured and confused? The only focus for her is divorce, and I'm wondering if the speed is something to do with the fact that when we are divorced she can unveil a new man who she has just met without her looking bad.
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
The only focus for her is divorce, and I'm wondering if the speed is something to do with the fact that when we are divorced she can unveil a new man who she has just met without her looking bad.
In some ways, Mark, it HELPS people because they then see a REASON behind their spouse's sudden uncaring behavior. You can also then begin to see them as an addict, which of course they ARE at that point (although it doesn't excuse the initial decision to have an affair).
I know it sounds weird, but it some ways, it helps. I mean, think about it: what word is the ONE word you see more than any others in LBSs' posts???
"WHY"
The discovery of an affair -- as painful as it is (and it is, horrible) -- DOES go a long way in answering many of the "why's".
Puppy, If this turns out to be the case, though how I could prove it I don't know, how would you handle it....I mean how should I treat her? With compassion so that I do not ruin any chance of reconcilliation and as Michelle says most affairs burn out after six months anyway, as I really would like to reconcille, and this not really knowing is tearing me apart. Or, go out to get the best deal and damn her.
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
You're getting way ahead of yourself, and i don't want to answer a hypothetical. If you think you can handle it, and if it's a dealbreaker for you, then do what's necessary to find out the truth about what's going on. If it's NOT a dealbreaker, or if you think you couldn't handle it, then just keep DBing "as if."
I'm probably not the right guy to ask anyway, LOL.
Does she seem stressed at all? I lost a load of weight when I was stressed about my M. I sort of woke up and realised I didn't know the guy next to me in bed anymore or what I wanted out of life. The kids were at school and no longer seemed to need me so much etc etc.
Often there is an OP involved but there doesn't always seem to be.
Unlike the guys on here I do wonder if this is something that has been brewing in your W's mind for a while and the weight loss is due to the stress of being so unhappy and her trying to work out what she is going to do. How long is it since she really talked to you about hopes for the future etc etc? that's when I sort of new things were wrong.....when neither of us seemed to care any more and talk about things....we existed....the P'ship had gone. I found I told my GF's the sort of things I should have been discussing with my H....just because I felt when I talked to him it was such hard work and would most likely end in a row. We just sort of learned to lead separate lives.
We did manage to sort it so don't give up hope.
As for the buying new clothes....well I went from a 14/16 down to a 8/10....you do need to buy new clothes- including underwear....I went to Tesco's one day and realised my jeans were like those ones you see one teenage boys when they are showing off half their boxers.......I was a bit ashamed- luckily I had a long fleece on
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Mark, in some respects my WAW sounds like yours. 1) She's lost a lot of weight; 2) started a new workout routine 3 mos or so before Bomb; 3) new clothes; 4) going out more; 5) had a dinner w/ old male friend roughly 21 days before (she reports) deciding on Bomb; 6) got herself a Blackberry; 7) asked her IT friend to set up her new laptop (instead of her IT husband). All suspicious.
So I'll play devil's advocate: 1) much stress since D-bomb didn't go off as planned -- the airstrike was unsuccessful; 2) she'd been talking about new workout plan for 1 year; 3) as saffle noted, new weight = new clothes for women (we just tighten up the belt, add a hole or two); 4) detaching, GALing; 5) this one IS suspicious; 6) her firm pays for the BB and she is out of the office a lot and most colleagues her rank have them already; 7) didn't want to "bother" me because I switched from PC to Mac.
As puppy said, knowing is a risk. Looking to know is a risk.
For one, you only ever get part of the signal stream.
Think about our Glorious Invasion of Iraq, in which Dr Hemlock played a part. Colin Powell went to the UN with this: "Ahmed, I have the bi...[static] [static] [crosstalk]...ological... [static] [static] [noise] [undecipherable]...weapons!" And off Mr. Bush and Mr. Blair go, yee-hawing into the sunset.
Of course, long after Dr Hemlock came home from the war, we learned the conversation was: "Ahmed, I have the bicarbonate of soda! Once your stomach feels better we can go to the zoological gardens. The lion tamer has cool weapons!"
So while you might find this or that note or indicator, you have to guard against the fact that you're reading them through a particular lens. You oh-so-don't want to "find out" that you most definitely DO want to find out and as a result read everything in a way that leads to that conclusion -- self-fulfilling prophecy.
And, again as puppy said, is it a deal-breaker? Speaking for myself the answer right now is "I'm not sure."
Just keep DB'ing. Make it about you. It's all guys like us can do. Cheers.
