LBS need help and support #2

[faithisbelieving]

and asked W if she wanted to join us. "Yeah, I can do that"...

Uh oh...you just left your spoon in the hot chocolate.....

I'm just flabbergasted how she can be so cold and cruel. I love her so much and miss what we had, yet every opportunity she has to stick a knife in my heart she just jabs away.

So..why do you keep handing her the knife?..and then love her for doing it to you?????

After that point in the conversation S13 withdrew and really didn't say much, and S11 tried to keep things light and upbeat with me, but the tension was just so thick...

so..now you can see why detachment is so important...it comes down to one of your N.U.T.S.: to do what is right for your kids and if that is minimizing hurt and pain, make it so

song....I am so sad that you are in the beginnings of this. I...we....were all there. Compared to others, I know my posts seem most 'stern'...most 'forboding'...and probably least 'rose-colored-Divorce Busting-wins-your-W-back-in-3-5-years-if-you-wait'-ish......

..but....I walked your path.

Trust me here:

• forcing a family when they don't want it doesn't work
• R/M talk doesn't work
• there IS NO lightening bolt and epiphany in the sense that there is a rapid recovery from this even tho' THAT is what we pray for
• they don't see it as we do; we must understand this; no matter what YOU/I think, she/THEY think of us as their worst nightmare
• those of us that find ourselves on these boards are usually the most difficult 'cases'
• there is a reason that we are told to detach

Song...there is nothing I can say or do that will make the memories of your early marriage float away...there is nothing anyone here can type to you that will be a magic bullet that will have your wife realizing the mistake that she may be making...

Song...we throw the word around so much, but, WHAT does detaching do?

• it starts the process of undoing our need to depend on another person for our happiness
• it frees us to begin to look at ourselves and develop some introspection to guide us in change and growth
• by letting go, you stop all those behaviors that cause pressure, stops pursuit, etc

Song...let go....and grieve. My little sister once gave me a poem, many years ago, that at first, I detested because of it's negative tone. Sadly, here, I think it is key:

G-d bless those who expect nothing, for they shall never be disappointed

What I CAN DO....is simply support you....and be a "BetterMan" to you..to listen...comfort....and share when needed.


I think it's time for you to start to do family things on your own with your kids. I think it's time for you to develop your 'own' family. The first thing you will see is that you WILL survive and you WILL have a good time with them and you WILL see that you are OK. There is no need to say anything except that "we just going out together today...the bunch of us...to have some fun and a great time."

I think it's time for you to stop putting yourself and the kids 'in the line of fire', i.e., in situations where they are going to see hurt...pain....or...your W in the position of controlling your feelings. It's time to lead your family song...not 'away from her' or 'away from being a family'...but to a place of peace and strength. Your kids are watching you and they will learn how to be treated in a relationship...they will learn how to react to a person who rejects them....they will learn strength and/or weakness.

This is HER choice song. Not yours. These are HER issues...not you. Many marriages stay together for 50 plus years with all sorts of gobbledy gook going on. You worked with the tools you had at the time. If you have clarity now, then, you've grown, and that's a plus.

You have a choice now....to blame yourself, self-victimize yourself, allow yourself to be emotionally trodden on...to allow your spirit to be destroyed...or...

...to grieve what once was and, let go and move on to a better place and, in so doing, become a better person.

Don't let your spirit be destroyed.

Make it so.

FIB