I've moved here from MLC

[Thinker]

"I wish you would meet someone so you'll be taken care of and I don't have to worry about you."

Amazing...more script.

I hate to smile, but I am a bit because I got exactly this line - I think we all must have.

In the early days of her EA, when it was all new and secret and she was fantasizing about it becoming a new perfect life for her, my W said something like "I wish you would have an affair, because that would take the pressure off of me" Not yet knowing what was going on (only that she had been acting weird and distant) I was floored.

Now, after seeing the examples of the same thing here and again and again elsewhere in the forums, I just shake my head and laugh (a bit).

I am sorry for the situation again. You're doing a great job. and I though you would appreciate yet another example that show's you are not alone.

[AJM]

You have a wise girlfriend.

You want to be happy not right.

I will point out though that winning each battle is an exhausting way to win a war.

My very good girlfriend (I call her my Partner in the War to Save My Marriage)said "Maybe he is hanging around to see what you do, see if you go back to who you were, the nag, the martyr. Because if you do, he will never come home. I think you both disliked that woman and agree she needs to stay away forever."
I see how acting as I did drove him into an EA. Please understand, I'm not happy about the EA at all, but I'm trying to be honest and real about the situation, trying to understand how humans work, and I'm trying to look at this through someone else's eyes, other than my own.

A few things stand out. As you online friend, I feel I should point this out.

I think you're struggling for perspective. I know I do and have a lot. Marriage counseling helped, but this forum also helps.

I read this that you didn't deal with your feelings as well as you'd like or as well as he'd like. But make no mistake, you did NOT drive him into an EA. That was his choice. My guess is that it bothers him as well. Deeply. But he also feels conflicted - from what you've said, he loves you but feels so restricted that he can't breathe. He's confused and wants to be happy. He wants to feel loved without feeling like he's taking care of two children.

Now's your chance to work on you. I do think he wants to see you change. It's time for you to change. That behavior is not what you wanted to be, is it? So here's what I think you may want to do.

Stop trying to control him. Start working on you and changes you want to see in yourself. I can understand that you wanted him to want to be with you and your son. I get that. It seems natural to me. But the way it came across wasn't very constructive. So go back to that behavior and figure out what needs to change. I suggest you write it down in your journal (you are keeping one right?) Pick one of those things each week and work on changing that behavior. Analyze it. Own it. Know it. Change it. You won't be able to demonstrate some of it, but it will bleed through in your interactions. I suggest you start by giving him the freedom to be with your son. Alone. Without your interaction even if he invites you. Find a reason to not go over there immediately or at all if possible. For a few times, and then mix it up and go when/if he invites. Let him have the alone time with your son. He deserves it. He's a good dad right?

When he wants to go to parties. Let him. Encourage him (that's a 180 as well). You won't stop him anyway. You may as well encourage him to go and have fun. You'll at least get an interesting look out of it. Be unavailable to discuss that further.

Your actions also speak louder than words. Stop using the words as much as you have. Do NOT ask about the relationship. Set a goal of at least three weeks that you will not bring it up at all. Nothing to do with the relationship. He's told you that he wants you to leave it alone. So leave it alone.

The EA. You don't know where his heart was. That's a tough thing to say for me. It really is. But it's true. As a suggestion, write him a letter where you vent all of those feelings. Do NOT let him see that letter. Ever. It's for you and you alone. Once you've written that letter, put it away somewhere he'll never ever find it. Leave your feelings with that letter. Sealed with the letter. Look at it later if you need to remember the feelings. When you're done with it, you can burn it and be done with that burden that you've put on yourself. We'll talk about this again later but for now, know that you can't carry that burden. It's not yours. You don't deserve to carry it.

Is he waiting to see what happens? What changes? Or if he can live with the changes? You bet. Is he confused? Yes. Can you change that? Not really, but you can change you. That has the added effect of forcing him to change as well. He wants to be married to you. But he doesn't want to feel so restricted or not appreciated. I suspect he doesn't feel like he's part of the marriage.

Stop worrying about him (hard to do I know) and start working on you. You deserve the overhaul if for no other reason than you don't need the guilt and the burden of thinking you didn't do something for yourself you should have. You are worth it. Be the person you wanted to be all along. He may come back when those changes are real and have been in place for a while (i.e. he can trust them) but he certainly won't if you stay unchanged.

Now's the time to be the change you want to see in your relationship.

AJ

[AJM]

Funny how that script gets passed around so much. I've heard very similar over the past year or so.

And the beat goes on...
AJ

[AJM]

Funny how that script gets passed around so much. I've heard very similar over the past year or so.

And the beat goes on...
AJ

[stillloveshim]

AJM,
I do think I love you.
I feel so much better and ready for this battle after your posts, as well as some others, but your post read......calmly....I don't know if that makes any sense or not, but I feel calm with you.
I am keep a journal and YES, he is a great dad.
I'm going to see my C right now and will get back on here after I create a list of some things I need to work on and some goals I have, mostly for me, but a few for my family too.
I'm so glad I found you.
I hope your wife realizes what you are.....amazing and kind.

[2gthrButApart]

Hi my DB friend. How was your C today? How are you today. I was thinking about you

[stillloveshim]

Alright, here is my immediate list of things to do. Immediately!
And we have not had any contact today. This is combo list from AJM and Kassie

I will pick S up and take him to a kid place while H comes to meet us there so he can take over. And tomorrow, H picks S up from daycare and brings him back to me at 8:15. So that's all planned and we have no reason to talk unless it's an emergency.

Slow things down by detaching. It'll change faster if you change and detach.

NOT contacting H for a few days would be in your best interest. It'll confuse him too. He'll wonder why you are not contacting him. Let him wonder. That's a good thing.
Stop trying to control him.

Stop overreacting to his disconnection. Instead make moves towards each other.
Start giving him the freedom to be with your son. Alone. Without your interaction even if he invites you. Find a reason to not go over there immediately or at all if possible for a few times, and then mix it up and go when/if he invites. Let him have the alone time with your son. He deserves it. Let him struggle alone. Let him see what he's missing.

Your actions also speak louder than words. Stop using the words as much as you have. Do NOT ask about the relationship. Set a goal of at least three weeks that you will not bring it up at all.

I can do this.

[stillloveshim]

AJM said: Start working on you and changes you want to see in yourself.
Behavior to work on: Pick one of those things each week and work on changing that behavior. Analyze it. Own it. Know it. Change it. You won't be able to demonstrate some of it, but it will bleed through in your interactions.

This is what I've come up with as something I want to work on:

H would go out and I would be supportive when he left….”Go have fun…etc.” He would leave happy. Then I would start to fume and stew because when he asked if it was ok for him to head out for golf or football, etc, I’d say ok, in order to not be “that wife”, the one who controls her husband and his time.

Then I would start texting or calling. “When are you coming home?” He would get irritated and try to hide it. I would be irritated and not hiding it.

This just got worse and worse. I would sit at home with the baby fuming that he was out having fun.

Then he stopped inviting me out.

I would fume some more.

And it just became a vicious cycle.

Then I started to pick random fights with him about stupid stuff. He was always wrong.

There are obvious things here I need to work on and I have been. But if anyone has some more advice to change this behavior, make it stick and help convey this to H, I'm all ears.

[AJM]

Convey to H?

Don't worry about that. He'll pick it up. Trust me on that. He'll notice. You need to change it in your own behavior. Once you do that, it'll show. Actions speak louder than words. They are the only thing that will get through. Words are not going to help in this case.

Stop overreacting to his disconnection. Instead make moves towards each other.

Just to clarify: To move towards each other, you'll have to take a different direction. Seems awkward. It is. But you can do it. You cannot take the same route you took before. The direct one. For a while anyway. That's because you cannot change him. You really and honestly cannot. You can change you and you can be happy with you; you deserve to be.

This is going to take a long time -be prepared for that; this did not happen overnight and it will not change overnight. The focus is on you. Not him. The changes are in you. Not him. You will take your eyes off the goal from time to time. Don't make it a habit. Keep your focus on you. Be the you you meant to be. Be the you he fell in love with. Don't accept ownership of his behavior and don't get bogged down with his confusion or issues. They're his and it's not fair for you to deal with them. To him or to you or to your son. It's not.

Take time for you and really enjoy you. I always have told people that I love me. Why? Because if I can't love me, how can I expect others to love me?

Be comfortable in your own skin. You can do it, and you'll be the better person for it. He'll notice. Every bit of the GAL process he will notice. He'll notice that you don't pursue him. Watch this carefully. You don't want to go completely dark for weeks on end. What you want to do is to slow things down. To lovingly detach. To give him room (he asked for that remember?) To give yourself room - you need it. After a few days it's going to come across as you being angry at him. Go dark for a few days, but watch that you are sending the right signal. If it's not working, change. You'll get the hang of it.

PMA - live it. Love it. You'll be glad you did. It'll catch on.

The more you let him own his own issues and work on your own, the better chance that change will happen.

Be slow, methodical, and consistent. Be sure to watch for what works and what does not. Adjust accordingly.

Be the change you want to see. You cannot lose when you do that.

People here are rooting for you. We want you to succeed. We know what you're going through becuase we also are going through it. I know I am. I'm very sad. Very often. I was at any rate until I started to listen to what I was hearing. I began to detach. Painfully and unwillingly, but I did it. It wasn't so bad. The first time it was involuntary and brief. The second time it was not. Started to become like crack. I needed a hit from time to time. I'm still in the throws of that addiction to the peace and serenity I need so desperately. Know what? Things are changing with the WAS as I do that. I'm seeing signs of jealousy from her. She's been much nicer. Much more interested in communicating. I'm not letting go of my happy place in favor of jumping into her arms. We're not done. But I'm not unhappy about that. I'm sad to some degree and I certainly miss her. But I'm not ready to let go of my serenity to jump back on that roller coaster.

You'll get the hang of it and it'll be exactly what you need. Just remember to leave the door open as much as you dare.

You cannot control him. Stop trying and I'll stop saying it


AJ

[kassie]

SLH,

I am on my way to close but wanted to stop by and check in with you. Will try to catch up tommorrow. Sounds like you are heeding advice and figuring out how to apply to your stitch. Good for you! Hang in there, AJ said it for all - people are here for you and will not let you fail.