I've moved here from MLC

[AJM]

You have a wise girlfriend.

You want to be happy not right.

I will point out though that winning each battle is an exhausting way to win a war.

My very good girlfriend (I call her my Partner in the War to Save My Marriage)said "Maybe he is hanging around to see what you do, see if you go back to who you were, the nag, the martyr. Because if you do, he will never come home. I think you both disliked that woman and agree she needs to stay away forever."
I see how acting as I did drove him into an EA. Please understand, I'm not happy about the EA at all, but I'm trying to be honest and real about the situation, trying to understand how humans work, and I'm trying to look at this through someone else's eyes, other than my own.

A few things stand out. As you online friend, I feel I should point this out.

I think you're struggling for perspective. I know I do and have a lot. Marriage counseling helped, but this forum also helps.

I read this that you didn't deal with your feelings as well as you'd like or as well as he'd like. But make no mistake, you did NOT drive him into an EA. That was his choice. My guess is that it bothers him as well. Deeply. But he also feels conflicted - from what you've said, he loves you but feels so restricted that he can't breathe. He's confused and wants to be happy. He wants to feel loved without feeling like he's taking care of two children.

Now's your chance to work on you. I do think he wants to see you change. It's time for you to change. That behavior is not what you wanted to be, is it? So here's what I think you may want to do.

Stop trying to control him. Start working on you and changes you want to see in yourself. I can understand that you wanted him to want to be with you and your son. I get that. It seems natural to me. But the way it came across wasn't very constructive. So go back to that behavior and figure out what needs to change. I suggest you write it down in your journal (you are keeping one right?) Pick one of those things each week and work on changing that behavior. Analyze it. Own it. Know it. Change it. You won't be able to demonstrate some of it, but it will bleed through in your interactions. I suggest you start by giving him the freedom to be with your son. Alone. Without your interaction even if he invites you. Find a reason to not go over there immediately or at all if possible. For a few times, and then mix it up and go when/if he invites. Let him have the alone time with your son. He deserves it. He's a good dad right?

When he wants to go to parties. Let him. Encourage him (that's a 180 as well). You won't stop him anyway. You may as well encourage him to go and have fun. You'll at least get an interesting look out of it. Be unavailable to discuss that further.

Your actions also speak louder than words. Stop using the words as much as you have. Do NOT ask about the relationship. Set a goal of at least three weeks that you will not bring it up at all. Nothing to do with the relationship. He's told you that he wants you to leave it alone. So leave it alone.

The EA. You don't know where his heart was. That's a tough thing to say for me. It really is. But it's true. As a suggestion, write him a letter where you vent all of those feelings. Do NOT let him see that letter. Ever. It's for you and you alone. Once you've written that letter, put it away somewhere he'll never ever find it. Leave your feelings with that letter. Sealed with the letter. Look at it later if you need to remember the feelings. When you're done with it, you can burn it and be done with that burden that you've put on yourself. We'll talk about this again later but for now, know that you can't carry that burden. It's not yours. You don't deserve to carry it.

Is he waiting to see what happens? What changes? Or if he can live with the changes? You bet. Is he confused? Yes. Can you change that? Not really, but you can change you. That has the added effect of forcing him to change as well. He wants to be married to you. But he doesn't want to feel so restricted or not appreciated. I suspect he doesn't feel like he's part of the marriage.

Stop worrying about him (hard to do I know) and start working on you. You deserve the overhaul if for no other reason than you don't need the guilt and the burden of thinking you didn't do something for yourself you should have. You are worth it. Be the person you wanted to be all along. He may come back when those changes are real and have been in place for a while (i.e. he can trust them) but he certainly won't if you stay unchanged.

Now's the time to be the change you want to see in your relationship.

AJ