The Flames are Still Rising....

[Startingover2]

Stay faaaarrrr away. If he sucks you back in you will end up like me...:)

How is softball going?

[ann25]

Blindsided... ((((hugs))))

i've missed alot with the craziness that's been going on in my life lately, but i just wanted to stop by and let you know that i'm praying for you all the time. Praying for your strength, your faith, your patience and your beautiful spirit.

Hang in there. i haven't had a chance to read everything (that could take forever... lol) but from the place you were when i was last here a few months ago to now, you are a different woman. Might not hurt you a bit to go back and look at how much you've grown.

Be the strong beautiful woman that you are and be the best mommy you can be... God wants you to have an absolutely AMAZING life, full of love and happiness... know that.

take care ann

[S.T. _I Made It!]

I am glad to hear you feel good about yourself, continue on that path, because you SHOULD feel that way!

[blindsided1]

Thank you all. And, so glad to hear from you Ann. I'll have to go and see what you have been up to. I'm hanging in there. I just keep telling myself to have faith, give him what he wants...which happens to be not having me in his life. So, that's what I'm doing. I refuse to reach out anymore. I don't call or text him for any reason whatsoever unless it's an emergency. It sucks that this is the way our co-parenting relationship is...but, this is his choice. I've tried long enough.

[S.T. _I Made It!]

yes, you have tried a long time. Just let him decide how close he wants to be. Hopefully he will start realizing what it means to co-parent.

[Startingover2]

Ok, I just may have to text you and see what is going on!!!

[blindsided1]

I'm here. I spoke too soon SO2 when I said not much going on...as you now know.

H texted me this morning and said "you'll have to find someone else to watch K tomorrow. Dane (his new baby) is on his way out". At first, I started texting "Congratulations"...realized that would be a lie. Erased it and didn't respond. About 4 hours later, H texted "did you get my message from earlier?". I just responded "Got it. Thanks".

I know it may seem very unsupportive of me...but, I can't deal with this right now. I'm on the verge of losing it and need to distance A LOT. For now, anyway. My girlfriend took K and I out to dinner tonight. I cried some today. But, overall, I'm okay. I feel a lot of anger, I feel short changed, I feel neglected. I hate my H for not being there through my pregnancy. I hate him for being there for "her". It is what it is, though. Nothing I can do to change it. I definitely DO NOT feel the same love for my H, any longer. I don't even find him remotely attractive. But, nonetheless, it still hurts. It doesn't make it any easier to watch him with his new life and new family. I almost felt like he was expecting me to congratulate him or be supportive in some manner. But, I can't find that strength, right now. I just can't...sorry.

Most likely K's brother may be here by now. It is a fact...it is life. I have to find a way to deal with it. And, when people ask me if I am okay....all I can say is "I have to be, for Kendall". But, inside, I'm a mess. My heart is broken, my M destroyed, my family....broken. But, all in all, I'm glad this part is over. I don't have to wait in anticipation any longer. Their baby is here. Now, the only step left is finalizing our D. Then, I'm free. April 8th. It's only a few weeks away. Then my new life REALLY begins.

I spoke to his Mom today. I apparently knew more than they did. I at least knew they were at the hospital, they didn't even know that. They are coming into town tomorrow and want to see K and I. I told her we would play it by ear. I told her not to be angry if I distanced myself from H. She got upset...thought I was saying I was distancing myself from her and grandpa. I told her "no", I love them. They are K's grandparents and still my in-laws and I love them. I just said I hope they aren't angry if I distance myself from the sitch with H and OW. I just can't deal with it right now. I can't. I need to be far away from it. I have to. So, Friday and Sunday are his days and I am just going to assume that he will not have K. I will initiate NO contact with H. If he wants her, I may suggest that he not take K to the house. She is sick and it would not be good for the new baby. I have a feeling that K is going to be left behind for a while. That is okay with me. I know he loves her, but she would not get the attention she deserves. He can make it up later.

I just want this to be over. I hate to say it, but somedays...I wish they would just move out of state. Somedays, I wish I had never met him (except for having K, of course) But other than that...he really has not added to my life, positively (other than K). My friend told me that this is the only life I get and that it is way too short to waste minutes, hours, and days crying over a man that has no sense of committment or family. A man who doesn't and can't see what he threw away. I hold onto that.

I want to love Dane. I want to love him, because he is K's brother. I need to love him because I worry for him, too. It's going to take some time, though. He is a bitter reminder of the pain I have dealt with over the last year an a half. I will pray on this. I will pray for God to help me overcome my pain and hurt so I can love him as family. But, OW......don't really give a sh!t about her. That may not be very forgiving....but, I am prioritizing and "she" is NOT a priority.

Please keep us in your prayers. The days to come are going to be difficult. I just keep praying for strength. I wish sometimes I could be more like babygirl and accept his son. But, I don't know how. Not now, anyway. I just need to focus on me, for K. Dane will have to come second, for now.

[S.T. _I Made It!]

I'm sorry B. I know this is tough. And really, at this moment, you do not need to think about Dane. He does not know you, and won't know you for quite a long time. Of course there should be no reason for you to put bitterness towards him, but it is totally understandable. You have lots of time to heal before any of that would ever have an affect on him, if it would be possible at all. So don't worry about that right now, try to worry about you feeling worthy of happiness. Worry about giving those precious minutes to K.

your friend is right, don't lose the days you have today when you can use it towards making you a better person, a better life, and giving the same to K.

Continue asking God to deliver you from these feelings. we are praying for you too

[blindsided1]

Thanks ST. It was a hard night. I slipped and looked at the FB. There is a message to an old friend of his talking about how he was married and now divorced. He has a daughter and a son on the way and two step sons and his life has been pretty much perfect for the last 1 1/2 years. It hurts that his life has been perfect since he left me. It hurts to hear him talk about "her" kids as his step sons. "They" are NOT married. He is STILL M to me, we aren't Divorced. WTF? WTF? I don't understand how this happens. I just don't.

But, there is a large part of me that looks at his message and realizes that it is all phoney. This is exactly what he does. He fabricates a life for himself....a false life. His "step-sons" please, give me a break. They'll be that until he tires of them. That's what he does. He gets tired of his sitch and then just replaces it. I'm living proof. His ex-girlfriend went through the same thing. So, I suppose I should be thanking my lucky stars that I am out of it now and not 10, 15 years down the road...kicking myself in the a$$ for staying with this man. God works in mysterious ways and I do not believe that there are any random events.....everything has a purpose. So, I wait.....eyes open, heart open, trying to forgive.

[Startingover2]

Uck. I know this must be so hard. The dust will settle in a few days, but I would be prepared to have K for awhile. Your H doesn't seem like the kind of guy that can multitask well.

I think its good that you told MIL you need your space. You don't need to be involved or know about thier drama. It will only hurt you.

I am telling you...it may take a few months but the winds are going to change. Our H's are so alike. Commitment and responsibility are really overwhelming to them. They can't handle it and will flee when things get hard.