Hi everyone, I read avidly, but don't post much. My small thread is titled new poster, random thoughts. To sum up my situation quickly, WAH left in May, we started hanging out in July, had some bumps along the way. Seems like he wanted to work on things, but not interested in physical contact - doesn't have those kinds of feelings for me. OW in the picture, but not sure what capacity, i.e., an attraction, full-on romance, etc. End of Jan, I tell him what we are doing is not working and I thought we needed to separate again. We have a son together and he seems to be the only glue holding us together at the moment. We've had some cordial conversations since I told him this wasn't working, and had a few "family" times together (yeah, I've allowed it, so 2x4's for me). Pretty much like the past 8 months, just not as frequent. Back to square one unfortunately. Okay, here are my questions, would love to get folks input on these.
We strive to make ourselves the better option. In my case, I don't think there's a particular OW that he's interested in, but rather, he's looking for someone else who will make him happy, someone younger who doesn't have "baggage" like me. (I know, I know, find happiness within yourself, whatever). But either way, I've tried to be happier, more fun, etc. And I know many on here are doing the same. My question is this: Since it seems most of these folks are MLC'ers or similar sitches, wouldn't that mean that it doesn't really matter how attractive we make ourselves, we are fighting a losing battle, since the problem lies mostly within them and their unhappiness with themselves? When they say, it's not you, it's me, they are RIGHT. It isn't us. So when does being the better option actually work, if we weren't the problem to begin with? BTW, I'm not saying we aren't ever part of the problem since both partners contribute to the breakdown in the marriage, but I think you guys understand what I mean. I think being the better option is good for US, but I am starting to think it does not usually help bring our WAS home.
Second question: How can they turn on a dime in their moods towards us? In my case, I may have a comfortable conversation or outing with H on one day, and by the next day, things are back to being awkward. The swings are that frequent. It is like he let's normal H out every so often for a peek, and then boom, back to being business partner or whatever. Contact w/ OW does not seem to be a factor in there as I can't find a correlation. Maybe he's just thinking about her? Or maybe he's just thinking about all the bad things about us. Who knows what they are really thinking, but just wondering what others thoughts are.
Good questions Newgal. I wished I had some answers but I don't because I second that. In my case, my H has told me that he recebtly told OW that I was the best thing that ever happened to him. And like I said to him, she should have laughed and said then what are you doing here with me and why do you treat the "best thing that has ever happened to you" that way. But nonetheless, H still carries on his A with OW, and has no desired to come home. He is even living in awful conditions with OW but still he has left our beautiful home to be with them. So I don't know when being the better option really works. I've been the better option and all of my H's friends and family tell him that they would love to have a W like me. But that is the whole problem, H is insecure in himself and much rather be with OW who has nada going for herself than to be home.
And your second question, I think that is what really does hurt the most. After having a life with our H's for so long, and then just being disposed of. What has hurt me lately is how H's nieces and cousins have gravitated to OW. Thank God not H's parents or siblings, but I can't help but feel that maybe in time they will too. But it hurts to know that my nieces in law who I have always been there for since they were toddlers and have treated like my blood nieces have just turned on me. One niece in particular use to hold on to me like her mommy when I take her out when she was small and poof, she just turned on me too. Got into an argument with me over OW. Unbelievable.
So yeah, I sometimes feel like I am fighting a battle that I have already lost. So sorry I didn't have any answers.
Hi VickyD, thanks. I don't always agree with some of the arguments of "wait the affair out," etc., because then I think we're just the "second option" in my opinion. We become second choice, NOT something I want. However, I do think people whose spouses are with someone who is clearly not the better option may have a chance in getting their spouses back. In my case, I believe my H is looking for a younger woman who doesn't have baggage and problems, health problems, etc. So I think how can I possibly compare? The woman he hangs out with is 15 years younger than me and 17 years younger than him, pretty, young, impressionable, and big time EGO BOOST. All shiny and new. She brings no problems to the table. I am the old shoe and like someone else mentioned, given no chance because of our 20 year history and good and bad times. It is so frustrating and most days, I really wish I could truly be done and move on. I am not sure what is stopping me, other than my son.
I know that feeling awww too well. I HATE being the second option and being second to someone like my H's OW really hits my self esteem hard. And like your H, my H's OW is younger, but only 7 years younger than I am and 11 years younger than my H. But I do think my H is immature so they kinda match in age. I know we each have our own burdens to bear but I also feel in my own strange way that I cannot compete because OW has a son for my H. H and I, or more like I, was trying to get pregnant but it just wouldn't happen. It's hard to feel like we can't compete. Maybe the truth is that we shouldn't even be trying to, even though that is easier said than done. Clearly we are the better option. Your H has had 20 years with you and it takes a lot of positive attributes to be with someone for 20 years. Not so easy starting over. Be strong and stay well. I wish there was more I could say to comfort your heart and mine but we are in the same place. I can't wait for this crappy feeling to pass. Stay strong.
I was the one who had the affairs. When my husband started making changes/trying to make changes...the ones that I had talked about for years and years and years...that's when I started seeing him differently. The thought of living my life the way it had been the past 10 years was depressing to me. And, in fact, I became depressed. Being a part time parent was NOT something that would make me happy, so that factored BIG into it. Also, I started praying a LOT.
Mood swings. For a female, a lot has to do with hormones. But, any contact whatsoever with the OP can cause those swings. Even looking at an old email, etc. Thoughts of what it was like with OP (the fantasy love and bliss) and depression/anger of what it is like at home can cause this as well. Not fair, but true.
Thanks guys. I know I brought problems to the table, but I don't think any of them were worthy of being walked out on. I was pretty much the ideal wife (save for some self-esteem issues and depression over some health problems). My H has told me there isn't anything I could do different to make him feel more comfortable around me (yeah, I was a numbnuts for even asking THAT question). He has told me more than once, it's not you, it's me. So while I do try to be happy and positive around him, I think I mostly do it to just to try to get him to relax and let his guard down, more so than I am trying to be the better option, because clearly I cannot compete with Ms. 23-year old.
My question is this: Since it seems most of these folks are MLC'ers or similar sitches, wouldn't that mean that it doesn't really matter how attractive we make ourselves, we are fighting a losing battle, since the problem lies mostly within them and their unhappiness with themselves?
Showing him that you are happy, positive, and moving forward, takes the drama off of the table about how to "deal" with you. By doing that, he focuses on his life and his choices only. My guess is that he will come to realize it's not what he thought. The question is when. But, he will. And, if it is too late, he will live with regret.
Whatdidido - lots of people say this, that many of the WAS's will regret their decision to leave. Funny, I think my H worries about regretting it later on down the road and that is part of what keeps him from letting me go completely. But in my heart, I feel like he WON'T regret it because I am so clearly not what he wants.
Either way, I am going to continue to try to be happy because I think it is good for me.
I still struggle with whether to go dark with him or not because I feel like if we have no contact at all, then we have no chance at all.
When a spouse leaves for another person they most always are leaving in the fantasy of it all. More often than not, the OP is "less" than their spouse (less good looking, less work ethic, less emotional stability, etc.). Realization always kicks in, even if they never admit it. In fact, I have seen them work all the rest of their lives trying to justify and "make better" their decision in whatever way they can.
I think being happy is the best thing for everyone.
You have to do what you think is right. Only you know your spouse and what has worked. But, if your spouse doesn't have you to fight with/argue with/confide in, etc. he may realize that he doesn't have to justify anything and can just feel what he feels. Don't underestimate how he feels about you.
I know we each have our own burdens to bear but I also feel in my own strange way that I cannot compete because OW has a son for my H. H and I, or more like I, was trying to get pregnant but it just wouldn't happen. It's hard to feel like we can't compete. Maybe the truth is that we shouldn't even be trying to, even though that is easier said than done. Clearly we are the better option. Your H has had 20 years with you and it takes a lot of positive attributes to be with someone for 20 years. Not so easy starting over. Be strong and stay well. I wish there was more I could say to comfort your heart and mine but we are in the same place. I can't wait for this crappy feeling to pass. Stay strong.