Stress, WAW and life in general II

[AJM]

Funny you should mention that. I had the same exact concern. I spoke to the pastor about it actually. His suggestion was that we go at her pace. As if we have a choice, right?

It was peculiarly funny (her reaction to Katie), but I know I have to be careful to allow her to connect without feeling threatened or like she needs to retaliate for something; she's on a hair trigger from what I can see. It's much more difficult only because I'm so tired. I need to recharge and I'm having a hard time doing that.

What I learned in the beginning is that as she changes, it unbalances me. We're dancing. On a teeter-totter. As one moves, so does the other whether or not they would like to. Can be uncomfortable. I learned it, but I did not internalize that until much more recently.

I was reading a book last night that made an interesting comment. It said that in long term relationships, people "go away" sometimes. Take a vacation so to speak. I'm trying to look at this situation that way. That my WAS has taken a vacation from life and life with me for a while. She's not come back yet, but seems to be sending correspondence; opening the communication channels again. Or at least cautiously trying.

I was thinking about it this morning. I realize I need to allow and even at some point encourage that communication. I'm not overly encouraging right now, because I also remember that I was told to not grab hold as she came near. I agree with that. If she doesn't want to stay, I have to allow for that as well. I cannot make her stay just as she cannot make me stay. I also have to allow for her to come close and then go far as this process continues.

That same book suggested repairing rifts between people in a relationship. Some of the ways I've adopted from that thought(somebody has to lead right?) is to do at least one little nice thing a week for her. I'm not buying "things" i.e. flowers etc for the most part. I likely will sooner or later, but just doing one nice thing specifically for her. Last night I got up and peeled an orange for her for her snack today. I know she's going to lunch today, so no need to pack a lunch, but still gotta have a snack right? Not a big thing. Not something to make her feel uncomfortable and like she should return a favor. Just a small way of showing I was thinking of her and that I wanted to do something nice for her. That I still care for her.

Anyway, she's not back per se. But definitely good to see herself and laughing again (at least a real laugh and a real one around me.)

My instinct says she's trying to move very quickly; she's not a very patient person. I'm concerned at the pace, and realize what a risk it is. I realize I have nothing to lose as well. I realize she's trying to reconnect in the most cautious of ways. If I rush it (I was tempted to see if we could go away for longer and thought better of it) she's going to feel like she is not in control and would likely lose confidence and that secure feeling she seems to get by feeling she's in control. Therefore, I'll let her be in control.

She seems to need to feel in control. I have nothing to lose. She's already gone (emotionally and in another room - what I refer to as her cave.)

I don't hurt as much as I used to. In fact, I hurt a lot less and have hurt a less and less over the last few weeks - since the blow up about the card etc. I am still sad for her, but I feel like clouds have moved away from me. Not because she's coming closer, but I think because I see her healing. I wasn't aware I was holding my breath for that long. Not consciously anyway but blue must be my color.

This morning I had a note which may have been in response to the note I left for her to get the orange from the fridge. She also got me a gift for St P's day. A bag of candy (small, not much of a committment right? - cautious She got the kids similar bags. Nice thought I think. She left the note and signed it with a "heart me" signature. That's new. Looked like it was scribbled with mixed emotions although I'm not a handwriting analyst ;0) Nice, but not as legible as she did for the kids notes. Again - cautious but advancing. Interesting. Got my attention but that was this morning. Today may be different although I'll enjoy the moment anyway.

We'll see. I'm watchful. She's got some of my attention for now. We'll see.

We go back to MC on Friday. Might be interesting to hear what she has to say.

AJ