Hi Julia, I know how you feel about both issues. I took down my H's things & boxed them up a few months ago. (Well, not all his stuff is boxed up yet). I felt strange as well. Sad and yet content in a way, that life is moving on. I can't really say happy or overjoyed - just content. My H collected trains too & many other children's toys.
I also know how you feel about issues being ignored. My H is the same way. The king of avoidance!!! My H has a hard time saying "No" to people (he's a people pleaser). And well, maybe if you don't "tell" the truth - then you aren't lying if you say nothing? Just a thought & probably not a rational one either.
Since my M is going towards D, I have put the relationship books on the shelf. Currently, I have decided to learn about men & how they might think. Can't hurt right??? Currently, I am reading "The Men We Never Knew". Some stuff seems to make a lot of sense. You should read it, it may answer some questions (I think Ali should read it too). Also The Man Behind the Mask was a good book on male depression. Why do our H's run & avoid?? It's called fear (& the fear about many things).
Me39, XH45 Kids 3 dogs, 2 cats Divorced 6/4/09 Tricky thing is not how you live, but how you live with yourself. (POTC)
Some of the fears mentioned in the book, fears that everyone has are fear of rejection,abandonment, not being good enough. Compound that with guilt & I can see how it can paralyze from moving forward. The book states how boys & men have learned to stuff their feelings, so they do not appear weak or sissys. And that pride & anger are the 2 most common emotions in men. Granted, everything you read you have to take with a grain of salt (so to speak). But it appears to make some sense.
Me39, XH45 Kids 3 dogs, 2 cats Divorced 6/4/09 Tricky thing is not how you live, but how you live with yourself. (POTC)
Why do I trust him and think he will do the honourable thing each time. Why do I think he will be honest and act like a normal person??? Every time I have this blind faith that he is the h I knew for all those years. Each time I make excuses, look for psychological behaviour to explain his ways but each time there throws up a deceptive reason.
The reason that he will not answer my email is because he has taken out a loan on that account and the payments are coming out of it each month (only starting from Feb) and he hasn't been putting any money in. I have been paying his loan repayments!! I am an idiot - why do I trust this person???? I think he must be having money issues. This loan, asking me for £350.00. What is going on with this man?
I'm digesting the news. He is not going to treat me fairly in this. He lies and lies (ok, by omission but isn't that the same thing??!). I will have to think very carefully about my next steps... I need to protect myself.
I'm confued.. you say he has taken out a loan on "this account" - what a joint account? And how has he done that?? He may have had to that, if he is broke, by having to get a secured loan (or homeowners loan) in which case he would have to apply on the account you have your mortgage? Is that what he has done?? Sorry, I dont get it.. and they arent asking you for £350 surely, thats his monthly payment?
Just contact him, email him saying you say it, wondered if he realised it was abuot to take £350 out but seems he hasnt put the equivelent in?
Dont take it personally, just be mater of fact about it.. he's not doing it to you, he's just getting on with his life and being pretty self centred not realising that these little actions are very hurtful to the woman he so cruelly dumped ! You know? He's oblvious.
I sometimes wish all this hurt and disappointment and pain would rain down on our ex's one day, so they know how it feels. BUt guess thats a pretty evil thing to wish and I dont want karma to steal up to me in the night and shave my eyebrows off.. metaphorically speaking.
Al xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
I am sorry JC, to read the last post. Yes please do protect yourself financially from this man. There are so so many of us here in financial difficulties simple because we honestly believed that dispite all our spouses had done they would never cheal or lie over finances. I look back now and think how could I have been so naieve.
With regard to separating the issues, I take the point but I still think it is all linked and alot depends on your attitude to debt and what price you put on it or how it affects you.
I have never ever in my life owed money(apart from a morgage). If I haven't the money I do without. I could not sleep at night knowing I had debts that just keep on mounting. That is just me. To think that my x is adding to that emotional stress whether by omission or plain lies does not matter. It all ties in to the person they have become so in my mind their A and money issues are linked.
For heavens sake even if you can afford it why pay for his lifestyle choices? It isn't going to bring them back just by you being generous more likely they are thinking great she loves me so much that whatever I do she will accept so I'll continue on my merry way. Sorry long post but this stuf makes me really mad.
Ok rant over, but please protect yourself. Take care.
Sorry I wasn't being very clear. I was ranting and shocked!
He used money from our joint account and then put it back in again with a loan taken out from the same bank that we bank with. The payments for the loan are coming out of our bank account to which he has paid nothing into since last November. This is a deliberate choice and act to deceive me. And a stupid one at that... does he think I wouldn't realise and even if I email him, if he doesn't respond it'll just go away???
The £350 was from a few months ago when he asked me for that amount to cover his council tax for his new flat that he lives in with gf. Two separate issues.
I am like you naej, if I can't afford it I go without but that was never the case with h. He always got what he wanted because he had well off parents. Our joint credit card debt is only a little bit from the wedding and we lived off it for a while when he was ill and couldn't work - I was doing two jobs at the time and looking after him to try and cover everything.
Speak of the devil - I just got a text full of excuses as to why he hasn't answered (he's been breath testing his staff at work - all terribly important) and he'd like to keep the mortgage holiday as 'things are quite tight'. Obviously I won't answer that one for now!
I'm sorry, I don't want to be the voice of disdain or anything but seriously.....what is he going to have to do for you to retain a L? He is being deliberate in his deception and hurting you more and more. He's dug a hole for himself and now his only choice is to hurt you more through financial means. You have to stop him now or pay for the rest of your life for it.
Sorry again...ranting....probably putting my own financial pain on you somehow but as one who was left with enormous debts that my xH has no intention of ever paying into regardless of what the D decree says, I'm speaking from a place of hurt. I just don't want that hurt for you sweetie. I have no idea how your financial picture is and what your H is truly doing and not doing with the money, but please....please.......PLEASE, protect yourself now.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Hey Julia, Well... maybe you need to let go of the fear of talking to him, normally, reasonably.. dont be afraid anymore. DBing makes us feel we cant push, or raise subjects, or pursue, or even ask for one goddamn thing. I am guilty of this, I have drafted an email today about the joint account being short and he has to put money in today to cover his mortgage, but of course, yet again he has forgotton! but I still am not able to just email and tell him, in a freindly way, like.. it doesnt really matter does it? its just them being cr*p.
So.. I say, its not necessarily about protecting yourself or getting a L.. just.. why dont you talk to him? Normally? Say, hey, how come you havent put that money in, sieve head !!! Have a sense of humour about it.. but ASK him to pay what HE owes? And dont text.. texting is lame. Either call and leave a Vm or email him. You dont get enough letters in a text and texts are easily overlooked.
Go on, just be normal !!! He's not the bogeyman, he's just a mere mortal...
Al xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
The reason I don't have a L because the amounts we are talking about with h at the moment would be eaten up within a few L sessions/ letters. I am trying to see if I can get some free advice off a L - a contact through my sister or brother or something. However it is getting very near the stage where I will retain a L. I am getting a credit check done on my house at the moment to make sure there aren't any loans secured against it.
Al, I'm not scared to talk with him. It is getting him to talk with me. He just sits there and doesn't say anything looking ashamed and lies. You would think you could have a normal conversation but it is impossible. I am trying to work out the best tack to take with him too that will be the most productive. He is an alien at the moment. It looks like I will have to meet him though, he ignores my emails. Either that or start proceedings, which I am trying to avoid as it is so costly till the two years are up and I am trying to avoid L fees by bashing out the house agreement between ourselves.
It is the deceptiveness that gets me. He got this loan without telling me - which is fine he can get all the loans he wants however he is paying for it out of my money, our joint account which he no longer contributes too. He knew he was doing it, he didn't even tell me he was going to do it. I think he just hoped I wouldn't notice.
Oh sorry.. I thought from the way you were texting and stuff, yu found it hard to just call him up or something.. well, good for you!
Its sad, but I agree, you can get a D cheaper if you wait hey.
Obvious question.. but can you not shut the joint account???
the 'joint' account we have is in fact an account in my ex's name.. but he never checks it or pays money in, I end up having to do it and then he owes it me! At least he is prompt in paying it back.
I vote for meeting with him and explaining how hard this is on you and he really ought to be more mindful of how his sctions impinge on you.. and seeing as he has moved in with the woman he ran off with, without even telling you, he ought to be less of a self-centred b*stard... or.. maybe leave that last bit out
